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Comedic monologue for a female?

Help!! I need a comedic female monologue?

  • I'm seventeen and I need a comedic monologue for my college audition and its getting really close. I don't want one that's overdone but it must be from a play or musical. Any suggestions would be great!

  • Answer:

    Cassandra's Rant- No, I am not enjoying the party. Behold poor souls! The fates turn backwards on themselves. There is danger looming ahead. I can see our bleak future. I am doomed to know all of the catastrophes that will befall us, yet no one believes me. Therefore, hark, Paris, Prince of Troy. All is twisted and sour -- and I am not just talking about the fruit punch. Can you not see all of the signs? They are all around us, even as we celebrate. Look there, Hercules the strongest man in the world can break anything, but he cannot break dance. And look here, Hades is the Lord of the Dead, yet he's the life of the party. Sisyphus refuses to rock and roll. Prometheus the Titan gave us the gift of fire, but he's banned smoking. Ares has made peace with the fact that his brother Apollo isn't very bright. Narcissus broke up with himself. Orpheus only speaks the truth, but he plays a lyre. Dionysus is sober but Icarus is high, Poseidon is sloshed and Medusa just got stoned. Atlas is on top of the world. Athena is proud of her humility, and Hermes thinks that hubris belongs on pita bread. Zeus knows everything except how to spell the word omniscient, and Thor -- What the hell is Thor doing here? Medea is offering advice on parenting. Antigone is agreeable. An audience smart enough to understand these jokes is too intelligent to be amused by them. And Oedipus' date looks old enough to be his mother! And what do all these foreboding signs forebode? We are all doomed to die. The Greeks are preparing an attack. They will lay siege to this city and destroy this city and everyone within these walls shall perish by flame and arrow and sword. Oh, and you're out of napkins.

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from "savage love"...i used to use this one in the early 90's: Beggar Could you give me a small part of yourself I'm only asking for the tiniest part Just enough to get me from here to there Could you give me something Anything at all I'll accept whatever it is Could you just put your hand on my head Could you brush against my arm Could you just come near enough So I could feel as though you might be able to hold me Could you touch me with your voice Blow your breath in my direction Is it all right if I look straight into your face Could I just walk behind you for a little while Would you let me follow you at a distance If I had anything of value I'd gladly give it to you If there's anything of me you want just take it But don't think I'm this way with everybody I almost never come to this In fact usually it's the other way around There's lots of people Who would love to even have a conversation with me Who even ask me if they can walk behind me So don't get any ideas that I'm completely alone Because I'm not In fact you're the one who looks like you could use a little company Where do you get off thinking you have anything to give me anyway I have everything I need And what I don't have I know where to get it Any time I want In the middle of the night In the middle of the afternoon Five o'clock in the morning In fact I'm wasting my time right now Just talking to you Hums A capella, melody line only no words "I'm in the mood for love"

ashley

I copy and pasted your question into Google, which is a search engine that nullifies the need to ask Y! damn near anything! Here is the first hit! http://plays.about.com/od/comedymonologues/Comedic_Female_Monologues.htm I suggest Cassandra's rant from the Parody of Greek Mythology... which is hilarious.

Daniel Sepulveda

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