Have you heard any good jokes lately that could make us all laugh?

A woman snuggles up to her husband in bed. He wraps his arms around her, and she can feel him become aroused. As he is kissing her she says, "Not tonight, I just want you to hold me." That weekend the husband takes his wife to the department store and encourages her to pick out a new outfit. She grins and excitedly starts selecting shoes, and a matching bag to go with it. At her husbands suggestion she goes to the jewelry counter and picks out the earrings and necklace she thinks go with the outfit. The wife is grinning from ear to ear as she says to her husband, "The registers are over there!" He tells her, "Not today honey, I just want you to hold them." ______________________________________________________ Why does a bride smile as she walks down the aisle? She knows she has given her last blow job. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A dieting woman is smiling at her reflection in the mirror. Her husband asks her what is making her smile. She tells him, "My cheekbones are back!" He says, "Yeah, I know. I noticed that a few days ago." "But you never said anything!" She says accusingly. He replied "I didn't say anything when they dissappeared, either." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There is a new machine at the local drug store that can diagnose any health problem. You simply pour in a urine sample and in just a few seconds you get a print-out explaining what is wrong, and a recomended course of action. A man took his sample into the store. After pouring in his sample he quickly recieves the print-out: YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW. REFRAIN FROM EXCESSIVE USE FOR ONE WEEK. Amazed, the man rushes home to tell his family. He decides to see if they can trick the machine, so he asks his wife, daughter and son to add their urine to the jar. As an afterthought he collects some urine from the dog and finally tops off the mixture by masturbating into it. After pouring the concoction into the machine several minutes pass. The machine buzzes and whirrs, and the man is sure he has fooled the machine. Finally he recieves his print-out: YOUR DOG HAS WORMS. SEE A VET. YOUR SON IS GAY. GET OVER IT. YOUR DAUGHTER HAS HER PERIOD. STAY AWAY FOR ONE WEEK. YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT WITH TWIN GIRLS. THEY AREN'T YOURS. GET A LAWYER. AND IF YOU DON'T STOP JERKING OFF YOUR TENNIS ELBOW IS NEVER GOING TO GO AWAY.

Ill tell you 2 of my favorites than one i heard today! 1. Where do one legged whores eat? Answer: I hop. 2. (I don't really like blond jokes but this one is good!) A blonde gets into a horrible car accident. She is fine however and manages to apply a new coat of red lipstick before the police officer arrives to investigate. When he gets there he is in compleate shock of how the woman survived. "What happened here?" He asked "Well officer it was the strangest thing! I was driving down the road and I saw a tree come out of no where so i swerved to the right, and there was another tree so i swerved to the left.." She goes on for a while before the officer stops her and says "Mam, this is a high way, there isn't around here for miles...that was your air freshener !" lol! 3. Two whores are walking down the street and one says "It's gonna be a good night I can smell dick in the air!" the other says "Bitch I just burped!"