When to start a family - how to find our bearings?

I don't wish to minimize the anguish you're experiencing here, but the one thought I had was born out of sheer cussedness, and probably was tripped by your stated reservations about his ability to parent. Instead of leaving your purse hanging on the chair, upend the contents all over the floor, and then grab a banana, two candles and a stapler and add them to the mix. Refuse to put any of it away for no particular reason. His reaction to that will be 1) potentially entertaining, and 2) possibly illustrative for him. I am not entirely serious here. Mostly.

And I made it very clear to him that this was a much harder choice for me to make, and I needed him to respect that. Given that it's my body and health, my personal identity, my career, and my social life that will be impacted much more severely than his, at least for the first while, I felt that it was not unfair of me to have the say in when we start trying. You need to keep repeating this as often and as firmly as necessary. I can sort of understand his over-the-top feelings, but I am shocked that he would pressure you the way he's doing. He needs to back off and take you and what you say seriously.

I could have written this, I went ahead and did it, and it was an enormous mistake. Him being upset is sad, but you need to protect your would-be child before you think of his feelings. Consider it your first lesson in mothering: putting the well-being of any child you would have over your husband's short term discomfort. You're right that being pressured to have a baby when you don't want one is horrible. It is traumatic, and the trauma lives and breathes and feels and deserves a mother who wants it wholeheartedly. Don't do it. If you're feeling like you can't say no, take that $2500 a month to your own apartment so you can get the space and perspective you need.

I am still not ready. This is all that matters.

Interestingly, it sounds like your husband is not really ready for parenthood, yet. Not the other way around, even though that's how he's spinning it.... Catseye: "... you come across like you're torn between your husband's desire for kids and your feeling that you're not ready. In that situation, I suspect his worries about "it's now or never!" from a fertility perspective may be masking his worries that you might just not actually want this." coupled with... OP: "He is also very rigid about certain things, and gets stressed if there is a little bit of clutter in our apartment (if I hang my purse on the chair when I get home, he will pick it up and move it to the bedroom where it can't be seen, even if no one is coming over), if we don't have a huge money cushion in our budget each month (we are putting away about $5000 in savings every month, and he still stresses about money sometimes), if we are not exercising at least 3-4 times a week (he values fitness very much, not just for himself but for me too, in a way that sometimes makes me worried about my postpartum body). We used to get into fights over these things. He has been trying to keep his neuroses from affecting me so much, since he knows I am concerned about his control freak tendencies and his ability to go with the flow when we have kids, and has done a very good job of it. But I am afraid that with the massive stress of a new baby he will not be able to help himself." OP, I'm betting if your husband showed a lot more self-understanding about how his way of operating within your two-person family is entirely incompatible with the stresses of adding children to the mix, you would have less concerns. Forgive me if I'm reading too much into things, but that jumped out at me. It sounds like your lifestyle is enjoyable as it is with just the two of you, but that your husband hasn't done his homework or self-work concerning what all of this change he thinks he wants really means. So when the house is messy, or the savings account gets tapped for an emergency, or maybe you don't bounce back from being pregnant like Gisele Bundchen, you'll be taking the blame from him. I would not accept lip-service on these points either from a man that opts out of social engagements involving other people's children, friends he used to love to hang out with. He seems like he's more into the idea than the reality of parenting.

One more thing to add. When I was stuck in my several-years-of-agonizing phase over having kids, one of the most helpful things I read (maybe even on metafilter?) was that it was helpful to look at how you approach big decisions and big changes in other areas of your life, and to interpret your reservations or hopes through that lens. I have always been hesitant to do anything risky--it probably took a year of talking about it before my partner and I booked a trip to Peru, despite having plenty of PTO and money to do so--and tend to stay comfortably ensconced in my routine if given the choice. I find something I like on a restaurant menu and order that every time I go back, because I'd rather go with the sure thing I know makes me happy rather than try something new. However, every time I've pushed myself out of my comfort zone and done something adventurous (like go to Peru! or take up road biking!), I am so glad I did it and feel like it made me a better, happier person. Altogether, that helped me see my lack of enthusiasm about getting pregnant as being more about fear of the unknown when weighed against my current contentment, versus not wanting kids. I decided if I was 70% sure I wanted kids, that was about as good as it was going to get *for me*, and indeed it was. For someone else, it might make sense for them to need to feel 100% about having kids before they made the jump. If you don't tend to dither on major decisions, if you're usually decisive and happy with your decisions, I'd give serious weight to that little voice saying "but I love my life!" If instead you usually hesitate and have to be prodded into doing things that you (later) are so happy you did, it might be worth trying to be a bit more intellectual/brain about this decision and less emotional/heart.

I would not try under these circumstances. Please listen to your gut. Even with the very best, most wonderful and progressive-minded partner who takes a large share of the responsibility when it comes to childcare, domestic duties, and http://www.metafilter.com/151267/Wheres-My-Cut-On-Unpaid-Emotional-Labor, it's impossible to overstate how much of the burden of pregnancy, childbirth, and childcare falls on the woman. And, that's even the case if the pregnancy and birth are ideal. A lot of times, http://www.metafilter.com/152598/Pregnancy-is-brutal. Some of this is unavoidable, but a lot of it isn't. You have to think of your career and whether this will put you on the mommy-track. Is your husband expecting that he won't have to make career sacrifices (leaving early, being the on-call parent for daycare/school, taking paternity leave, doing nighttime infant duty without quarrel, managing child's social life, etc)? Does he already do his fair share around the house? Does he take time to do emotional labor and be attentive to your needs? It sounds like he trends a bit more toward it's his way or the highway (his demands WRT fitness/body appearance, household clutter, and general control-freakiness). This part of his personality will likely get much worse when he's feeling the very real stress of having a child. This may not be relevant to you, but here's an anecdote: a friend of mine who had a high-powered career decided to have a child with her husband as he was very, very, very eager. They agreed upon a very equal distribution of labor and had a child. As it went, his agreement to do his share fell by the wayside. He made no career sacrifices, didn't participate much in parenting (though everyone congratulated him on being a great Dad since the bar for a father's participation in childrearing is so very low), and left my friend to do the far majority of the kid-raising and management. It stressed her out terribly, made her feel isolated, impacted her career and also impacted her marriage in that she couldn't understand how her husband could go back on such serious promises and also watch her drown in the pressure cooker and do nothing meaningful to help. Kidlet grew into Kindergarten age and was more independent and friend finally came up for a little bit of air, only to be met by husband who desperately wanted another child "before it was too late." Friend told him she'd only consider it if he took full responsibility for 50% of kid responsibilities for 6 months. He lasted less than half that time. Their child is a only child. She still does 90% of the kid-related labor. Is your husband just accusing you of being wishy-washy or is he taking concrete steps to show you that he understands what parenting realistically will take and demonstrating, through action, that he's ready and planning to make sacrifices? I would not have a child with someone who cares not to witness what it takes to care for a child and also has only abstract, romantic ideas about parenthood.

This topic is so fraught, and I disagree with our focusing on a few sentences about your husband and determining his readiness to parent by them. All I can contribute is the caveat that if there is a chance in 12 months that you're going to say, "you know what? I don't want kids at all," please let him know sooner rather than later. I was on his side of the "one more year" talk for a few years in my 20s/30s. Even a fitness freak/neat freak/frugal man deserves honesty.

I wouldn't have children right now with the man you describe. I can see why you are cautious. Oh YES, does he need to be in counseling with you! EVERYTHING you cited about how babies are demanding on a marriage and how much your life changes and finances and especially that at 32 your clock is not really ticking (thanks media!) is all true in my experience. Source: happily married, first child at 40. yes, it changed the terrain of my marriage considerably, we're great now, but there were changes. my husband was also very enthusiastic about being a father, less enthusiastic that he was required to be an adult and a parent who could no longer through all of the extra emotional labor onto me, a person who was just about keeping up with him and a baby and our business. YMMV.