How can our family transition (esp. young son) to less screen time?

• Right now everyone in our family, but especially my young son, watches too much TV (or shows on iPad). I'd like to cut it down a lot ideally, but realistically to under what is generally recommended the "safe maximum" for young children. Everything I've read online suggests that 2 hours is around the maximum amount of screen time that very young (4 and under) children should be exposed to each day. This isn't even taking into account many other studies which suggest even minimal amounts of TV watching correspond with a lot of development issues. This is what a day currently looks like:Son (almost 4) goes to daycare until noon, at which point my wife picks him up and has him for the rest of the work dayWhen he gets back, he eats a little lunch and the TV goes on almost immediately. He hangs out in the TV room, sometimes paying attention to the screen, sometimes paying attention to his toys.TV may be substituted with DVDs or iPad (where he watches shows on YouTube)It goes like this until around 5:30 when I am done with work, at which point if I am not too tired and he is willing I will drag him from the TV room to go do something moderately active outside.Between dinner time and going-to-bed time the TV is often on in the TV room, and we regularly watch it while eating dinner.Sometimes, if I am tired, and or need to make dinner, do other chores, or complete unfinished work, he will continue hanging out in the TV room until it is time for bed at around 7:30We hang out in his room until he is "ready" to go to sleep, at which point my wife comes in and "tucks him in" although often this takes a long time if he is not willing to settle down.Afterwards, it's not uncommon for my wife and I to be on our laptops or watching a show together.It is not all that unusual for him to be in the presence of turned-on screen or TV for 6+ hours at a time. I would say this happens at least once a week. My job is computer-related so I am already behind a screen nearly 8 hours a day before anything else. Right now I am spending a majority of my life behind a screen and it is unnerving. I have accepted that I probably will be in the field of programming for a while, so cutting down on work-related screen time isn't really in the cards, but I'd like to cut down on recreational screen time at least. Here's what I would like to happen:My son watches a maximum of two hours of TV each dayIn the past, we have tried a "no screen time after x-o-clock" for the whole family but have never succeeded in doing it more than a day or two. I'd like to try that again, and ideally maybe start it earlier in the evening so we have more family time togetherI'd like to switch to having our meals at the table rather than on the couchI'd like my son to be exposed to more activities. I worry that right now the majority of his mental stimulation is taking place in the 3-4 hours he gets at schoolAnd of course, here are the complications:My wife has extremely low energy, probably stemming from one or more of her chronic health conditions. Tackling these conditions is another can of worms entirely, but for now it means that she probably can't be as active as other moms are. She spends a lot of afternoons sitting on the couch, usually resting and often on her laptop. She does interact with our son and reads books, etc. but a majority of the time he is watching TV and she is hanging out with him while he does so.My son has some development issues which complicate matters somewhat. He's resistant to transitions and can be very challenging to keep in control. He enjoys roughhousing, which I can generally handle but is sometimes too much for my wife.I've tried to voice my concerns about this in the past, but each time I do my wife sees it, not as having problems with the situation but instead criticizing her as a mother. As a result she gets defensive and the conversation gets nowhere.I guess my question boils down to these sub-questions:What are some concrete steps the whole family can do to reduce screen time?How can I be supportive of my wife and take her needs and challenges into consideration?What are some effective ways to transition kids who are used to lots of screen time?What are good activities for both kids and grownups that can take the place of screen time?Are there any good references out there which talk about the health effects of TV watching in concrete terms?Are there any good guides to cutting down screen time?I'm especially interested in hearing from parents who suffer from chronic illnesses that affect their ability to do "normal" things like take the kids to the playground, etc.

• Answer:

  Well, my take is, it's not going to work to assign your wife to deal with this while you're at work. She has to be totally on-board for this to be effective. If she's not on board, then I really would suggest you don't try to force this on her, instead, work on the screen time that happens while you are home and ignore the rest. It will still be a marked reduction. Anyway, I'd start with: - Never eat in front of TV. That's just a hard rule and if you and your wife indulge it's only after kid is asleep. Corresponding, set the habit of sitting down to dinner together, even if it's cereal. - Initiate more non-TV activities after dinner and on weekends. This part is on you, since you're going to need your wife to deal with the after-school time alone. Specific ideas: board games! Back yard games (frisbee, hula hoops, sidewalk chalk), crafts/jewelry making/art making, cooking. (Most kids LOVE cooking. Find a simple cookie recipe, and let kid do most of the work. It's OK if they come out imperfect) - Make a rule about weekend screen time: you get 4 hours total all weekend seems like a good start, but if possible, the kid will generate the specific number himself. Let kid have as much autonomy as possible in choosing how or when to use the allotted screen time. - Don't use TV as a babysitter. That means you have to be much more "on" and focused with your kid than you're used to. Multitasking becomes much harder. You have to really change your mindset for this to work – when there’s no screens, parenting is not a thing to do in the background. - Get out of the house on weekends: go to the park, go to the pool, get a cheap kite, ride bikes, take a kid/parent yoga or dance class together. (Right now my 12 year old and I are taking swing dance together and it's super fun and family building). If kid resists these new activities, try the choice thing: “Do you want to try going for a bike ride, or taking a trip to the park?”, instead of “Do you want to try going for a bike ride?” - Buy a pile of puzzle books, maze books, goofy comic books that are easy and fun for his level of reading (not "good for you" books). Leave them in easy reach. Make sure the Legos and blocks are in easy reach - like on the floor. - When you decide it's time, sit down as a family to talk about this. Explain the worries you have about screen time. Maybe share some kid appropriate materials from Turn off the TV Week or whatnot. Try to elicit his suggestions for limitations. My daughter came up with her own current screen time limit and that makes it much more enforceable. - Whatever plan you make, stick with it. Whining, crying, tantruming does not earn the kid TV, period. My kid didn't really see any screens till she was 2. Then she had a max of a few hours a week for several years. Now, at 12, She now watches maybe 3-5 hours a week. Maybe as much as 7 hours with all computing and phone use (still has a “dumb” phone, no ipad). She does get bored. But boredom sparks creativity: she’s been diligently working on a novel since the start of the school year. She also spends a fair amount of time just spacing out in the back yard. This is valuable brain recovery time in my book!