Moving Out Update: Making it work in Seattle & recovering from therapy

Hello everyone! In case anyone may still be reading this, I just wanted to let you all know that I've reached my destination safe and sound! I am now on the job/apartment hunt. Wish me luck! I want to thank everyone in this thread and the others for your support and advice. It has really helped me move forward to the next stage of my life. I didn't really have anyone to talk to or ask about the difficult situation I was going through. Your comments gave me the extra push I needed to realize that things needed to change, and I am forever grateful for that. Take care, and thanks again! :D

I cant answer anything about the Seattle aspect of things. But I came in to say that frankly I would class your relationship with your therapist as abusive, and I'm half wondering about what transference/counter transference is happening. How DARE she say she's on your parents' side?! She should be on yours, period. Let your parents find their own therapists if they have a desperate need to talk about things. Therapy is all about the relationship, and while part of that might include some challenges to your way of thinking, telling you you're wrong about identifying their behaviour as abuse / trying to persuade you to keep in touch with them for financial reasons / saying they've done "great things" for you when they've clearly wounded you deeply... I find that appalling. She should be helping you to feel empowered, not more confused. My advice is to end that relationship and find someone who hears what you are saying. I wish you the best of luck with the move.

Ugh, she sounds like an obnoxious therapist. Your parents have done grotesquely awful things to you, that I'd expect to read about in a work of fiction. Your family wanting your therapist to hear "their side" is EXACTLY the type of behavior I would expect from a family that is guilty, based on my experience with controlling families. It's always the same script-- "but it's not fair that they know so much about us when we know nothing about them," "it's not fair that they only hear your side," blah blah. Families without those types of issues usually respect boundaries like the professional and medical ones you should have with your therapist. And they don't get in a tizzy about not having 100% complete control and authority over everyone in the family. From your last questions, it sounds like you have a lot of savings. You're gonna be fine. I've moved on a shoestring and a prayer in the past, and I've been fine. You just simply don't need to keep in touch with your family if you've got a good financial base for now. I think honestly that your therapist is kind of infantalizing you while she tells you not to be a victim. Ultimately though, this is up to you. I think you're being very brave by coming up with these plans and enacting them. It can be questionable to tell someone not to listen to their therapist, but if you feel that she's not understanding the situation and is fundamentally not on your side... well, I'd get a new therapist. A therapist doesn't have to be a yes-man, but she should be essentially supportive. It doesn't matter if your parents bought you a house and a car and sent you to the finest private school and were always "there for you" financially in between their episodes of verbal and physical abuse-- they are still abusive. Let's say best case scenario, your dad wasn't as angry as he used to be, never hit anyone, and was starting to mellow out-- I would still think it was 100% a good idea for you to move out and start forming an independent identity, apart from people who will always devalue you and defend those who abuse you because you are a woman. It's disgusting. Lying to you about your SAT score? That alone is a form of the most insidious control and manipulation. If your therapist heard about that little episode and still wants to "root" for your family and be on their side and encourage you to let them stomp all over you in case they might give you money or suddenly turn over a new leaf, she is just spectacularly awful. Also, because you have been lied to and devalued by them consistently when it comes to your areas of potential-- don't aim low just because you've gotten accustomed to working service jobs and temp jobs. Temping might be a good place to start, for sure, but you have a B.A. and what sounds like some solid work experience (and great life skills, to have saved so much money), so look at more ambitious jobs, too. I am a recent grad with a "useless" degree and I was offered a salaried job with benefits earlier this year, simply because I went for it. You might want to find an easy source of income right off the bat, but you've done well for yourself, and you can be successful, don't sell yourself short. It's a shitty economy but that doesn't mean that you're not good enough, and that you shouldn't fight for what you want. (I find that the worst thing about being born into a social situation where you don't think you're good enough is that you lose the will to fight, because deep down you think you don't deserve anything anyway. So false.) By the way, I have a friend whose therapist encouraged her to move out of her parents' condo on the grounds of her mom's insidious comments about her weight and her parents' financial controllingness alone. They don't NEED to be actively, violently abusive for you to be better off without them under the same roof. And sure, maybe someday you won't want it to be all-or-nothing, but if getting far far away and cutting them off is what you need for now, there is nothing wrong with that. Don't let guilt in the way. They've been very shitty to you in the grand scheme of things, in very serious ways. THEY should be feeling guilty.

When I was in therapy, I talked about my messed up relationship with my parents a lot. My parents were not abusive when I was a child, and we have a decent enough relationship now. I've never been through anything close to what you've been through. And yet my therapist stuck up for me during all these conversations, reassuring me that anything I felt like talking about was perfectly OK and not silly or whiny at all. She never suggested getting "my parents' side" or "not being a victim" or even suggested any course of action towards my family. So it strikes me as extremely problematic that your therapist refuses to take your side on the issue of your family, in situations that are still going on even now. Please stop seeing this therapist.

I'm responding to your question #4: "Am I overreacting about my therapist?" Nope. There is time for black and white and shades of grey later. Let's focus on what you need to build the life you want. This therapist sounds like she is not supporting your optimal mental health. This is not your problem. Sometimes, listening to ourselves is as subtle as thinking, "Hmm, I don't think I agree." A no can be as subtle as, "I don't know," or, "I'm not sure." To crystallize: you want to leave. You are planning to leave. There are doubts. But, it hurts you. You want to leave. There are http://books.google.com/books?id=j6tyHt_iVZIC&pg=PA13&lpg=PA13&dq=sapphire+it+hurts+me+to+stay+i%27m+scared+to+go+poem&source=bl&ots=U_YrzJYbh6&sig=MG9Hvo-l7C4wZQhOnvJ6K5jX81s&hl=en&sa=X&ei=gNVmUdKYJ6OziQK8pIHoDw&ved=0CDAQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=sapphire%20it%20hurts%20me%20to%20stay%20i%27m%20scared%20to%20go%20poem&f=false from a Sapphire poem that read: I'm scared to go it hurts me to stay.Abuse is this sometime-labyrinthine thing that often confuses, causes doubt. Right now, you need unabashed, clear-headed, 1,000 times on your side allies. This is not the time for veering. And, right now, you have some elements and people who are causing this veering. It is okay to trust your doubts. Later, you can think about the complexities and grey areas, if you want. But, for now, crystallize on what you want. You want to leave. You want to build a new life. You get hints of what could be different. You are an artist. Listen to that, and in doing so that is one way you build trust in yourself. Perhaps what confuses us most are those complicated, layered emotions. Leave. Build trust in and with yourself. That is what this will strengthen in you. Forget that therapist. You will find another one. Keep looking. Keep moving. You are going to be okay. You will be okay.

1. The job situation may be challenging but Seattle has the best situation going in Washington state. The list of temp agencies provided above is great. You may end up traveling to the "Eastside" for work at Microsoft or Microsoft-affiliated places. There's transit for this but if you have a car, I'm gonna disagree on the selling your car point. Don't sell it right away. Having a car would making interviewing in the outlying areas much easier. I guess there's also Zipcar etc. as an option. (Riding 2-3 buses to get to Redmond for a job interview? You could do it but it sounds awful to me.) Once you have a job, riding transit there is no big deal because it will probably be during peak commute times. How much money do you need? I would look at Craigslist to get an idea of how much rent will be each month. Factor in food and some sundry expenses. Plan to have at least six months worth saved. (I'm extremely risk averse though. And you really need to get out of your current living situation.) 2. The list of temp agencies above is great. Use any connections you have. Follow-up with prospective employers even if you don't hear back so you stay on their radar. Be willing to do all kinds of work. (The latter doesn't sound like a problem.) Apply at Starbucks too. From what I recall even their part-time employees get paid a decent wage and get some benefits! 3. You don't have to decide this now. I would set this aside and take it day by day. Don't tell them where you're going etc. You will always be able to initiate contact if you want to. That will feel powerful when you're no longer in their grasp. 4. Am I overreacting about my therapist? Your therapist sounds unhelpful. I would stop seeing her. You don't have to tell her this, just cancel your next appointment(s). Definitely rent a room in a house. I don't see how you could find an apartment to rent here on your own without a job already lined up. Plus, I'm sorry to say that Seattle is known for being a difficult place to make friends with people. Roommates your own age = built in connections. (Not built-in friends, but connections at least! And connections are usually how people find jobs.) Look for housing near UW (the U-district).

from reading your last post your family is definitely abusive and when you are a young child and you get punched you were most definitely a victim. i think your therapist doesn't want you to develop a victim mentality as an adult, but i do think she is off base in that because you are doing everything in your power to get out of your family home. you do not seem to be acting like a victim at all but are doing everything to move on. good on you! personally, i would not let your parents talk to your therapist but that is me. others may feel differently. for what it's worth i had verbally and emotionally abusive parents who were über controlling and did sabotage some of my life plans that involved moving away when i was younger. having said that i don't know how easy it will be to get an apartment without a job, or to find a job, so i do understand your therapist not wanting you to completely cut yourself off from your family if things don't work out. also, things don't have to be all or nothing with them. if you feel you will miss your mom you can still talk to her on the phone regularly. do you have any friends in seattle? if you do it would make it a lot easier. i think that what would help you tremendously is if you can find a supportive group of people when you move. of course that takes time to develop but you might want to consider a house of worship or a 12-step group like adult children of alcoholics. ACA is free but will give you a place to express your feelings and at least be around others who understand the family dynamic you have endured. maybe also look up some meet-ups in seattle. i think the more of a plan you have before you move the better off you will be as far as housing, work, social life, etc. still, if you feel you need to just up and move then worst come to worst you can find a women's shelter if you run out of money. make sure you have those numbers handy before you move if your internet will be down for awhile. maybe even trying to make some connections now would be helpful. i think women's shelters tend to have classes and things to help empower you so it might be good to make contact with them initially to find a place to receive support/healing from your abusive father. i'm rooting for you! good luck and let us know how it all goes.

Very few people are "all bad"-- your parents have clearly been abusive, and they don't have to have little red horns sprouting from their heads for you to want to leave them now.

Here are some temp agencies/contractors you can look into. Most of them work with the big tech companies here (Microsoft, Amazon, Google, etc). The first four I have personal experience with so feel free to memail me if you'd like more info. Randstad SourceRight (recruiting support for Microsoft: interview scheduling, resume processing, customer service) OfficeTeam/Accountemps/Robert Half (specialize in admin and accounting jobs) Pitney Bowes (they do reception and mail services for Microsoft) Kelly Services Corestaff Volt Spherion Adecco Business Careers Terra Staffing Parker Staffing