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Whats the proper way to let a guy know he won't be getting any?

  • I'm a girl. You're a guy. We're making out, but we won't be doing anything past that tonight. How do I let you know that so you don't feel like I'm leading you on? Or do I let you know at all? This has happened a couple of times in the last few months (yay single life!), and both times I wasn't sure what to say. Scenario A: Making out heavily with a guy I like a lot and started dating a few dates ago. I'm not ready to get any kind of naked, and I know how much it sucks to get all turned on and hope that sex will happen, and then be disappointed, so I blurt out "I'm not gonna sleep with you yet because I don't know you well enough yet, although I'm sure it'd be amazing" And then I felt silly for saying that. Should I not have said anything and just moved his hand away if he started trying to take it further? This scenario is simpler because we liked each other and it didn't matter much what I blurted out, but what would you, as a guy, prefer? Scenario B: Making out a little with a guy I just met that same night. Roommates and I invited him and his friends (both guys and girls) over when we were leaving the bar. They were friends with a mutual friend so we're not inviting total strangers over, so no need to comment on whether this is a safe decision, just in case any of you are concerned. Anyway, I have no intentions of seeing this guy again, but dancing and making out is fun, so I'd like to keep kissing. But again, definitely don't want to take it further with someone I don't know at all. Guy says "is there anywhere we can go to make out?" I say something like, "no that's ok, let's just stay here" because I didn't want to just take him to my room, but then my roommates came back into the living room and the making out stopped, eventually him and his friends leave. Should I have said "well let's go make out in my room but all our clothes stay on"? Or should we have just went to my room to make out and then stopped his advances when he tried to go further? I know he's there for just a hook up, so I want to be upfront about it and give him the chance to leave if he doesnt want blue balls and doesn't want to feel like he's in high school all over again, but at the same time I would've loved to keep making out, if he was up for it. I'm also ok with him saying "no thanks" to just kissing, or him saying he has to go once he realizes he's not getting any (the most likely scenarios). But what is the best way to handle that situation, and to possibly maximize my chances of the guy being ok with just making out? I know it depends on the guy, not what I say, but still would like to know the best way to warn the guy when we're late 20's/early 30's and sex is pretty much expected during a casual hook up?

  • Answer:

    You want to only make out? Chances are that I'm so up for that. State your boundaries clearly, early, and don't feel bad about 'em or extra-justify 'em. Own 'em. This is so important! You are in charge of your body, so why not convey your self-respect with some sass? Or at least a smile. You're making a choice you like, no reason to be timid or think you need to be apologetic about it. 'Cause--just so you know--you can't scare off a guy who is meant to be your boyfriend or future husband or whatever with a cool, confident refusal to engage in casual sex. That's never gonna happen. So if the dude bails just because you won't put out (and you want to actually date him), you dodged a bullet.

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Other answers

I blurt out "I'm not gonna sleep with you yet because I don't know you well enough yet, although I'm sure it'd be amazing" That's perfectly fine. He might be disappointed, but that's not really your problem. Maybe there could be slicker phrasing, but honestly, that's probably good enough. The earlier you let them know, the better.

ignignokt

I agree with those who say it's your right to put a halt to the proceedings at any point. I don't think we as women should have to worry about "leading men on." The person who wants to go farther should worry about whether their partner is comfortable ( not that that should necessarily be the man).

costanza

I agree with the above. For a guy you really like: "I'm not into casual sex, but I'm into you. You're really sexy, but I'm only comfortable just kissing and touching for now and taking things slowly." If it is someone you just want to kiss for the night, meh, depending on how old you are and the guy's level of interest in just kissing, you seem to have some reasonable responses already-- just be ready for him to bail as you suspect he may.

devymetal

Yeah, what devymetal and cool papa bell said. I've been through this. A lovely certain someone wanted to make out a lot forever, which was great. But she said she didn't want to take it any further, which is just fine. The only weird thing, IMO, was that after telling me we weren't going to sleep together (well in advance of going somewhere private), she (apparently) started second-guessing herself and felt the need to justify that we weren't going to go further with some semi-random excuses/reasons about some barely-related things. I did my best to reassure her with a kiss-and-hug-of-confidence. You want to only make out? Chances are that I'm so up for that. State your boundaries clearly, early, and don't feel bad about 'em or extra-justify 'em. Own 'em.

fake

Best way I've heard this was "the pants are staying on tonight." Any reasonable fellow will respect clear boundaries, and appreciate clear communication of them.

ead

Scenario A preferred from this here guy, who effing hated the not-so-subtle-hand-push-off that made me feel like I was making out with a horny Catholic schoolteacher. The key, IMO, is to draw boundaries rather than force me to guess where the boundaries are. And make it fun, fer Chrissakes. "OK, Sugar, here's exactly how I want to get felt up..."

Cool Papa Bell

I remember those days, and I said the same kind of semi-awkward but clear stuff you said in example #1. So don't feel like there's something especially un-slick about your approach - I suspect it's pretty normal. As for #2, I'd just call your decision good judgment. It got awkward when your friends returned to the room, but at the same time, asking him into your room would sort of indicate a raising of the bar, and it might have been more awkward when you gave your message in there. And don't forget, it is really wise of you to be clear, but the guys shouldn't be just making assumptions, either. They have responsibilities to get clearly established consent too, though it's troublesome that often those responsibilities get ignored. I think your approach to head any exalted hopes off at the pass is very fair, though.

Miko

Us guys can be pretty dumb, particularly when we're in our early 20s and horny as a goat. Clear directions as to what is and what is not on are generally a good thing. Don't worry about sounding silly. There's nothing wrong with saying "I'm really enjoying kissing you. Lets go to my room for some privacy and do it some more. But nothing more", as far as I'm concerned. At least then I know where I stand, and can enjoy some more smoochie times with no pressure like "Does she want me to go further?".

Diag

A gentleman would understand. This is why there are second and third dates.

Kilovolt

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