How do you break up with someone who loves you?

You're not a bad person for this post. It happens. You date. You think and hope one thing about a person and it becomes another thing. Doesn't mean you're a bad person. There are no easy answers at least for you. Of course, straight forward honesty is always the best policy but if you can't do it or if you think SO will be too hurt or if you think SO will be a little unstable with a straight forward clean cut break up then there is another way but you really need the stomach and some savvy to do it right. If you are more concerned about SO's well being than your own difficulty in getting the words out of your mouth then there may be a way. But first. . . Don't lie. Don't have sex with SO again. Don't lie. Also, this is coming from a straight male perspective so take that for what it's worth. If you can't do a clean, honest break for whatever reason here's what you need to do. Become clingy. And I mean very clingy. Become clingy times ten. Become needy. By that I mean, for starters if you talk on the phone twice a day, bump it up to ten times a day (I'm serious). Call 1: Hi. Whatcha doin'? Call 2: Hi. Whatcha doin'? Call 3: Hi. Whatcha doin'? Call 4: Hi. Whatcha doin'? You get the idea? Call at strange hours. Call in the middle of the night. Call when SO's at work (a lot!). The idea is to make yourself so unattractive (sexually and romantically) that either your SO breaks up with you or your eventual split (which you finally make happen) is as welcome to your SO as it is to you. You should give your SO absolutely no private time and preferably no private space. You invade it. You devour all your SO's time and space because you need it. This is being needy and clingy and it will drive a stake through the romantic part of your relationship. You don't have to be a jerk. You don't have to lie. And you should NOT do anything stupid as part of being clingy like make or talk about long term plans, or have sex (let's just cuddle(and cuddle and cuddle and cuddle. . .)). Just be yourself but be way more clingy than you are comfortable with. No man or woman likes to be involved in a serious relationship with a super clingy SO. And you're not lying by doing it (at least no more than when you tried to do "this" or "that" early on to try to impress him/her or tried to "buy" affection with gifts--hey it happens. It was okay to buy a gift back then hoping for some reciprocation so it should be okay now to cling like seran wrap hoping for a little repulsion. If you do it right, you're pretty guaranteed to get some distance.) You see why you need a strong stomach for it. It sounds like you are already pretty clingy so you'll have to get far more clingy than you already are for it to work. Just remember, you want ALL your SO's time and space. All of it. You need it. The really difficult part for you is to cling like hell and still remain true to yourself. It's a fine line but can be done. You're not trying to utterly destroy the relationship. You're just trying to "be friends." If you do it right your SO may be tired of your no sex invasiveness in as little as a week. Doing this will be harder on you than your SO. But if you think your SO will go unstable (or psycho or super clingy after a clean break up) then making yourself totally unattractive may be the way to go.

I can't suggest anything to assuge your guilt, but I do think you owe your SO time to heal, and the longer you drag this out, the farther in to the future it will take for your SO to get over it, move on, and build a new life. Maybe its going to be horrible for them, but let the horrible part be over sooner than later.

You can break up with anyone at any time for any reason, and even for no reason at all. But you have to do it instead of treating him or her like shit until he or she breaks it off for you.

(For the record, I think you are being a bit crazy with the attractiveness thing because if you are attracted to her as is then what you REALLY want is someone that other people will be attracted to and envy.... so you might want to reflect on that one a smidge...) I had to do something similar in terms of the intellectual basis. My ex was a perfectly nice, kind, loving person who loved me, but his lack of common sense, his coarseness, and constantly making poorly thought out (and financially damaging) decisions forced my hand. It was nothing he really did wrong, but rather him handling things so differently from me and him having hugely different views of what the future should and could look like for us. I grew up in a very cerebral and intellectually engaging, and while I had been in love with him I had always felt a huge piece missing. I couldn't have the heated debates and intelligent conversations that are so ingrained in me and I was unfulfilled. I broke up with him after 7 months, and it was hard on both of us. The approach I took was that he and I, while similar in lots of ways, were different enough in ways that mattered and I knew I would spend our time together either trying to change him (which is unfair to him) or having to surrender my values and beliefs (unfair to me). I could never live the life he was setting himself up for, nor could I expect to change him to such a degree that I could be happy. And I knew he wouldn't be happy with me in the long term because either I would be trying to change him, or I would be resenting him for not being what I feel I need/want in a relationship. So just do it. Tell them the truth, but do it clearly and concretely. She will be happier with someone else, and so will you. So just do it.

also, sorry for assuming gender, especially if it is inaccurate. I read other people's comments and I guess I just went with it. Sorry.

Here's http://ask.metafilter.com/88726/How-do-I-let-someone-down-easy#1305651 on how to break up with someone, while cushioning the blow.

[a few comments removed - this is now in MetaTalk, please take metacommentary that is not an answer to the question there, thanks]

If you need to end this to be happy, as others have said you should do it quickly and decisively. If you have outgrown your partner and feel that they are not intellectually or sexually a good match for you, then you have to follow your heart on that. I do want to say, without any judgment at all, because only you know what is right for you, that if you are very young and/or have not been in any other relationships, please give some thought to the fact that it is unrealistic to expect any one person to meet all of your needs forever. Couples who have long-lasting relationships do not always perfectly complement each other in all aspects of their lives. What they do have it the knowledge that once the initial infatuation wears off, the bond they have with each other is worth keeping.

Miko's comment, linked above by Brandon Blatcher, is exactly how you should do it. And you should do it soon. Please don't listen to the people who are saying or implying you're a bad person for wanting to break up. If the feelings are gone, they're gone. Having been the dumper in this situation, my biggest regret is not doing it sooner. I was hoping the feelings would come back, and hoping I wouldn't have to do this horrible thing. All that led to, in retrospect, was me being dishonest by staying in a relationship longer than I should have. It was unfair to him, and I feel guilty about it to this day.