How to tell someone you are not interested?

How do you tell someone who might be romantically interested in you that you just want to be friends?

• Context: Signed up for OKCupid a few weeks ago. (I'm a man.) My profile unambiguously says "I'm just looking for friends" in several ways and in several places. A woman messaged me and we exchanged a few friendly emails and that was nice. In the last two emails, she started repeatedly joking around and saying that I'm witty and attractive and seem like a great catch. She hasn't come out and said anything direct like "let's go on a date" or "I like you", but I get the impression that that's what she's starting to feel. What would be a good way to reiterate that I'm just looking for a platonic friendship? If I was sure the woman liked me, I would just tell her directly; since I'm not sure, I don't want to come off as too presumptuous if I'm wrong about how she feels.

• Answer:

  I was a2a'd so I'll give this a shot. I'm no expert on the dynamics of OKCupid interactions. I did once create a profile, put up the same message as you (looking for friends), and met someone from the site in person. It was a similar situation -- he was looking for something more. I reiterated that I was just looking for friends before we met, and fifteen seconds into the meeting, it was obvious that this was going to be an awkward hangout. (It's amazing what a few moments of body language can tell you.) [1] With that in mind, here are my thoughts. First, the straightforward situations. If you're not single: mention this. This is the easiest way to signal disinterest. If there's a good reason you're not looking: state this. One such reason might be that you have been recently widowed. After this it gets trickier. First, I just want to mention that I found OKCupid to be a weird place to meet platonic friends. I thought I'd be able to find interesting people from outside my college through it, but there was always an undercurrent of romantic interest because it's a dating site. I posit that simply by using a site with 'Cupid' in its name, you're under suspicion of looking for a date, even if you outwardly say you aren't. So I think this woman isn't unreasonable in sending those signals. [2] I considered the following courses of action you could take, but think each of these is suboptimal. Tell her that you've developed interest in or started dating someone else: If it's not true, you'd have to lie. This is unnecessary, and it's possible she would start inquiring about this new woman, and then you'd have to keep up this charade. At the worst, this strategy backfires, and she might think you're telling her just to make her jealous. Tell her, out of context, that you're not interested: How do you do this in an non-awkward way? You can't. Tell her that you're not interested, citing her previous statements: Unless you're quite tactful, you may come off as confrontational, and she'll likely get defensive. Also, it would seem strange to bring this up days after she made those statements. I think the best course of action is to continue to be civil and indirectly show your disinterest when she makes suggestive statements. Do nothing to encourage her compliments, and graciously deflect them and then change the subject. For example: Her: "You seem like a witty and attractive guy." You: "Hah, no more than average. Hey, have you seen Kung Fu Hustle? Pretty awesome action sequences." Her: "You seem like a great catch." You: "I'm pretty hard to throw in the first place. Hey, so apparently we're headed for imminent irreversible planetary collapse. [3]" Why could this work? Well, think about the intent of her statements. She's trying to 1) signal that she's interested and 2) shift the conversation to focus on you. What you're doing, in response is 1) not acknowledging the flattery and 2) shifting the conversation to something else. With each deflection, she'll probably be annoyed that she didn't get the response she wanted. By Pavlovian theory, she'll be conditioned to stop making those statements. However, there are comments that clearly step over the line, in which case you should respond more directly and try to address the issue right then. Her: "Man, you look hot in that photo!" You: "Uh... thanks? I'm uncomfortable that you're remarking on my looks, though." The proper response depends on how obvious it gets. At the worst, you might have to stop communicating with her, if she's still making you uncomfortable after you've reiterated what you're looking for. In the long term, if she is clearly interested and you clearly are not, you two probably could not have a healthy friendship. [1] It didn't help his nerves that he was fifteen minutes late because he woke up late and had just run out of the shower. [2] Apart from the romantic undercurrent, it's also just a bit weird to be looking for friends based on matches on questions like "Are you vegetarian?", "Are you a cat person or a dog person?", and "You would be ready to sleep with someone after how many dates?" On the other hand, I've found Quora to be a much better tool for making platonic friends. Stick around, man! [3] http://www.kurzweilai.net/study-predicts-imminent-irreversible-planetary-collapse