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What do you think about this parenting style for a 13-year-old?

  • I know it's long, but I need to disclose everything so you can get a better picture. I have a cousin who I feel is being controlled too much by his dad who is employing what I think is an authoritarian parenting style. What do you think? Description of cousin: 13 year old boy with mother and father (both genetic). He's the only child in the household. Has a step-brother (father's side) who didn't live with them, went to the Navy. Description of father: Military history. Claims to be concerned about teaching his son "responsibility." Advocates independence and learning not to rely on parents ASAP. Assigns chores such as feeding/grooming the dogs, emptying all household trash daily, dishes, preparing dinner, etc. When son missed a chore or didn't complete it in full like feeding dogs, threatened to kill son's pet turtles and dogs or have son shoot dogs in the desert, son cried (when his father wasn't around because father has always disallowed crying). Son gets no credit for partial work, it's all or none, and when gets asked why it wasn't done he gets in trouble for saying "I was thinking right" or similar. Son is limited to 1 hour of computer games/IM/email/whatever daily (excluding school work). Son goes over 1 hour of computer time and is now grounded from using it entirely until he's 18 (that's in 5 years). Father also takes away phone. Tells son that if you drink from a straw that "you must be good at sucking." As a result, son no longer uses straws in restaurants. Tells son to tuck in his T-shirts or he'll look like a slob. Son tucks in T-shirts now (even the brands like O'Neill). Told son before that shorts don't look descent. Son never wore shorts as a result. Son started cutting hair short a couple of months ago to match the hair of typical boys his age. Father doesn't like it. Son likes music, but father disallows headphone use because he thinks it's rude and distracts attention. Father disallows video game consoles. Requires son to get at least B's in all classes or grounds him or fines him money. Makes son read 2 hours daily. During son's summer break, requires son to read books and do written reports on them. Son typically is not allowed to sleep in beyond 8 AM, must be awake around that time. "Since I can't get rid of you (because he's under 18), I can take things away from you." Overall, typical punishments include frequent/lengthy restrictions on phone, computer, TV, freedom to leave house, board games, etc. Has fined money from son. Uses the F word when reprimanding son. Description of mother: has always covered up for son. Always reminded son of chores so he doesn't get in trouble. When son misses a chore, will even do it so his dad won't get mad. Allows son to go over the 1 hour time limit on computer when dad isn't around. Isn't restrictive or opinionated as his dad is. Parent's plans: The good... will double the money he saves for his new car at 16. Son will have to pay for insurance, so he will have to work. Will allow him to stay with them after 18 if he pays them rent. Encourage him to go to college at 18. Whether or not they will help finance it is not known. The questionable... parents have threatened to send son to foster care before (motive and whether they were serious is unknown). Question: Would you parent your kids this way and why. If not, what would you change? Thanks.

  • Answer:

    I am a very strict parent. I have restricted her computer time, made her do chores, and have set ground rules. But, Holy Crap! Even on my worst day, I would never be so horrible to my own kid. The father sounds like he a failure at life and is taking it out on the poor kid. The mother sounds weak and afraid of the father. What would I change? Oh, just about everything. First, I would never, ever threaten to kill something. Second, kids mess up, even adults mess up, but you don't rub their noses in it and make them pay for it for the rest of their life. The only thing that teaches them is fear, not how to fix the mistake. I would never make such remarks as "you must be good a sucking", or any thing else derogatory. That is just no good for the kids self esteem. I would never, ever allow someone to treat my child that way, nor would I allow anyone else to do this to their child. What that poor kid must be going through... That is child abuse, there is no other word for it. Contact child services.

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Well, it sounds like his father is trying to instill good values in him, but in the wrong ways. He's encouraging dedication, determination, and hard work, but he sounds like he's got an anger problem, and is verbally abusive. I also wouldn't be too surprised if he were physically abusive. Mom sees there is a problem in his parenting style, but she needs to get a back bone and get involved rather than try to cover up for him, that's just sending him mixed messages. I would never parent my kids this way. I don't think his father realizes that at the same time he's instilling positive values, he's also crushing his sons confidence and self worth, and all the hard-work and determination in the world can't overcome that. It's also been my experience that kids who are raised in environments that are that heavily controlled are the ones who rebel the most in their teenage years.

Brandyn B

This child is being ABUSED tell him to seek help with CHILD AND FAMILY SERVICES.

Jas

The basic idea is fine, so many kids lack any respect or discipline. By threatening to have the boy shoot the dog etc... that's going to the extreme. My husband can be extremely strict w/ my daughter's (Marine Corps). There just has to be a balance there somewhere. Where he is strict I back off a little. I sincerely can not agree w/ your uncle's form of parenting hopefully your aunt is there to ease some of the pressure off of your cousin.

USMC

I didn't need to read it all... some of these "punishments" are normal, a lot are a little overboard, ok ALOT overboard. Sounds like he wants total control. I do understand a lot of what he's being taught, in order to be a self sufficient adult these are the best practices, but at 13, it's too much. I see a problem teenager or a son who never visits in their future...

Just Me

No I would not parent my child that way and I would talk to my husband about the rules rather than going behind his back and allowing my child to do things that the father has put in place. I think that there isn't much sense in being that restrictive as a parent, and that you should let a child be a child. With that being said, I do agree with having household chores such as feeding dogs/cleaning up after them, vacuuming, washing dishes etc (maybe not all on the same days though). I don't think that threatning your child to send them to foster care or anything of the sort is acceptable, you scare the child and make them afraid of you, they don't "respect" you out of respect, but out of fear that you hate them. Summer time to me means you get to sleep in, hang out with friends and goof off - not waking up at 8a.m., doing book reports and such... It seems a bit over bearing, but typical of a military family.

PUREfect Your Skin

I would NOT raise my boys like this. This parent seems mean, rude, overly aggressive and controlling. I can understand him wanting his son to understand life, maturity, and independence, but he is pushing too hard and is wayyyy to controlling. He is trying to reinforce his military life style on his young child and that is not fair. And he also seems very contradictive. How can he express independence when he tells him what to wear and how to wear it, what to listen to, how to wear his hair. I mean dang! What can this child do alone? I think he should let him make some decisions for himself. And he should let him enjoy at least 2-3 hours or leisure time as long as the chores are done. As far as the sleeping, why does he have to be up by 8am? on the weekends and during breaks he should be able to rest as least until 10 or 11 am. This dad should just really back off some. Because parents like this guy are the reason y some kids flip out and kill their parents and stuff. Also the mother is right to take up for her child but she should also talk to her husband and tell him to back off some.

Mizz Juicie

This doesn't sound like an authoritarian parent, it sounds like a crazy, unbalanced parent.

julieisbest

I think 13 is too young to have kids.

That kid's either going to grow up to be Superman or James Dean. But yeah, it sounds like the kid has a hard life, though to say it's excessive to the point of intervention would be taking it too far. With his mother's help, I'm sure he'll manage just fine, as long as he's got good friends. He should get into sports or something to meet some people who also lead somewhat disciplined lives, so that they can relate and share each others' burden.

fleetingsight

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