How to cope?

I’m feeling really suicidal right now. How do I cope with this situation? Damned if I do-Damned if I don't?

• I wrote a 3 page "Letter" detailing this situation with business, father, family... But it keeps coming back to "No matter what I do, I'm fu*ked..." I have borderline personality disorder and I just want to die but I feel too guilty about leaving my father and my cat behind because my mother offed herself due to her mental illness and severe substance abuse problems when I was 16... I had a moment of "OMFG!" one time not long ago when my father told me that I shouldn't kill myself because "What will everyone else think of me if I have both a wife and daughter kill themselves!?!?" I'm not sure if he meant it in jest or not... Today I decided that I didn't want to go over to my b*tch aunt's house and my father lost his damn mind... He said he was "Surprised" I went over there Thursday because "I wanted you to come with today!" Well, thanks for telling me... Right now, I have a super strong urge to cut myself and I haven't been this close to actually trying to kill myself in many years. I know I won't do it... But the urge is almost overpowering and it just feels so horrible... Every few seconds, I have a thought about one of the many ways that I could, potentially, off myself... Taking 3 months worth of Wellbutrin... Taking 5 months worth of Effexor... Taking all 14 Alprazolam... Then finish it off with half a bottle of Sake... Cutting an artery... Taking the Alprazolam and Sake then hanging myself... I have a dozen ways to do it... But I know I'm too much of a pussy to actually do any of it... Which only makes the past accusations of "Doing all of this for attention" sting that much more because every cry for help I have ever done, every time I've begged to be allowed to off myself to my father, every time I do ANYTHING BUT actually kill myself has been interpreted as "Trying to get Attention". I don't have money for treatment... Even if the cops showed up at my house and took me to the hospital, all that would happen is that I feel slightly better in a day or two and then I'm stuck with thousands of dollars in hospital bills I can't pay. Not to mention the studies on the topic showing: "Hospitalization is of unproven value in preventing suicide by these patients and can sometimes have negative effects. Clinicians' fear of potential litigation resulting from a completed suicide should not be the basis for admission. With no evidence that full hospitalization prevents suicide completion by patients with borderline personality." I've been told there is really nothing to be done for Borderline Personality Disorder other than to try medication after medication and spend the rest of my natural life in therapy with a psychiatrist that costs $150.00 every 15 minutes. Though it is not the case that "Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments." with me... When I feel the urge to kill myself, I don't want to make pointless threats. How do you cope with these feelings? There is nothing I can do to stop them... I can't afford treatment... The science of the disorder shows you can treat some of the individual symptoms but over all, 1 in 10 will successfully kill themselves and the rest will have multiple attempts. I am going to take a handful of benadryl because I just want to go to sleep and wake up feeling better... (Not a real "handful", which would mean dozens... Just like, 6 of them to REALLY make me unconscious but not in danger.) How the hell are you expected to cope with an untreatable condition? How do you cope with the anger and the hate and the inability to find happiness in anything?

• Answer:

  You are clearly an intelligent person, so here's something you might want to think about: the mood altering drugs you are taking aren't helping. The problem isn't in your brian, it's in your mind-- how you think, especially how you think about your life. There are 2 books that helped me when I was in a similar situation: the mindful way through depression, and bradshaw on the family. Please try them! You can make enormous progress without a shrink, if you are able to be both honest with yourself, but also kind... Good luck to you! Trust me when I tell you that I've been in as dark a place as anyone can be for nearly 30 years, and I fought my way through. You can too...