What does New Age music mean?

Is a women's music festival a good place to meet ladies to date?

• The UPS lady who stops by my work is a really great gal, and even though I have flirted with her tons, she has always sort of laughed me off. I would really like to meet a woman like her, though; she's a really sensible sort, and a woman with a great sense of humour. I liked her right away the first time I saw her, with her sassy mullet and plaid jacket, bent over the open hood of the UPS truck that had broken down in the parking lot; she had that sucker up and running in fifteen minutes! Well, since she just doesn't seem to be interested in me, I am hoping maybe to find someone like her, and one day I overheard her on her cell phone in the parking lot of my work, talking with her friend about a women's music festival they are attending in November. When she got off the phone I asked her about it, and she said it is a festival for women that she and her friends will be attending. Well, I thought right away that if there would be ladies there as great as her, I wanted in on it, and asked her if I could go. She sort of looked away and said that men weren't exactly welcome. I was puzzled by this and asked, "What? You mean men aren't allowed at it?" She said no, that wasn't it, but that there weren't going to be any men there, and she thought I might be uncomfortable with only a bunch of women. Jesus, it sounded like paradise to me! Tons of women, all drinking, rocking to good music, and me the only man in the whole damn place! Talk about the best odds! I'm guaranteed to score! I begged her to take me, really pleaded, but she said there weren't going to be any performers there I would like; the bill is going to be KD Lang, Melissa Etheridge, The Indigo Girls, Tracy Chapman....well, that lineup did totally suck to me, but all I could think about was the horny women who would be there, craving for a man, so I lied and said I LOVED all those performers. She finally relented and said okay, if I was really a fan, just to please not draw too much attention to myself, and not say anything misogynistic. I'm not sure what that word means; probably just some crazy chick crap, you know how chicks come up with the weirdest stuff. Anyway, I'm in!!!!! I'm going to be in hoochie heaven!!!!! I have to say, though, this festival has some weird slogans; they are using slogans that say weird stuff like, "Save the turkeys, eat fish this November at the Womyn's Music Festival SoCal, 2009." What the hell does that mean?! They misspelled "women's" too; talk about some crazy broads! They also have a slogan that says, "Plenty of fish in the sea---dive on in this November!" Geez, probably this festival is sponsored by some weird New Age thing. Anyhow, has anyone been to a festival like this before? What are my chances of scoring with some hot women and what can I expect? I KNOW all you dudes are totally jealous of me!!!!!

• Answer:

  Dahling, I hung onto every word you've so eloquently written here. However, such an affair would not make it into my oh-so-tight schedule of black tie dinners at $1500 / plate. No, not because I'm above such a function, but because my preferences tend towards a sturdier, or perhaps hardened, nature. Please don't take my stance as being impudent, but the bush league, as it were, is well... not exactly my cuppa tea. Alas, my savoir-faire may still be lacking, but I do wish you the time of your life with these fair ladies. All my best... kissy, kissy and all that...