Have you guys ever traveled to Kenya?

Gigolos in Kenya? Did I fall for one?

• So I'm 33 years old and earlier this year I went to Kenya and spent four months. I had absolutely no plans to "hook up" with anyone in Kenya, but the guys wouldn't leave me alone and eventually I got lonely and he was cute and I did start hooking up with this 24 year old. Right away he started trying to get me pregnant and started talking about us having kids together and marriage, etc. He said he fell in love with me at first sight. At the time I was totally charmed by it all, I admit. But it also turned out he was penniless and not working so I was paying for everything, meals, etc. I've been back home for six months and we still email and I even have plans to go back soon. But I've been reading articles about sex tourism in places like Kenya and now I'm wondering if I have gotten conned by a gigolo? Could it be he really love me and does want to get married etc, for the right reasons? Or does he just see me as a big dollar sign? Thx. PS Before you start quoting Nigerian scams, this was NOT Nigeria and there was no emails about transferring large amounts of money into my bank! Also I have been HIV tested twice since being home and I'm negative! Thanks.

• Answer:

  It's a quandry alright. I mean, everyone is looking for love, many are looking to make families. So, if they (African boys) are smart and have the chance, to love and make a family with someone from a better economic base is just . . . smart. Women have been doing it for centuries. At the same time, Western ideas of love can be quite different than those from other cultures. For Kenyans, from my small experience, love and a decent financial situation do not need to be very much separated. And "love" does not even need to be very "loving," in our definition. Which is very problematic for us. Also, however, for many Kenyans, being unfaithful (but Western definitions, which are, and I am with you on this, quite narrow) is not the same (especially if it's the man - oh, yes, very sexist!) as for us. What you need, love, is TIME. Time to get to know this person better. Time to see how he acts towards you over several months. Time to see, well, what time it is! If he actually used the line "love at first sight," you may be in trouble. But they have lots of phrases that grate our nerves, no? TIME, time, time and time. See how it plays out. Love is patient. If he is impatient (and frankly, it sounds like he is, sounds like anchor baby time) still be true to your heart AND to your gut. I think African men and women are maybe (MAYBE) not accustomed to brute honesty, it's just not their culture and they do not appreciate it. Not that dishonesty is appreciated, things are just more oblique, more indirect. Be honest. Keep the ball rolling. Back and forth, from your court to his and back, see if the ball keeps coming back to you, listen to him, do not take everything literally, try to understand, but be honest with yourself. It is a hard balance. Frankly, the "love at first sight," immediate "baby planting," and you being expected to pay for it all (which is the OPPOSITE of how functional African families work wherein the man takes care of everything) tells me that you may be getting a package that is not what you hope it is. That does not mean he is not wonderful and lovely and that he does not like you. But it is all very different just because you are white. For him, I mean. Lots of times, people of other cultures simply do not understand poverty in a Western context. For them, it is an oxymoron, inconceivable. I do not believe in love at first sight and we Westerners are not much into planting babies left and right, but que se yo? That is OUR culture. Just do not be in a hurry. That is my best advice. Don't be in a hurry. Listen to your gut. IF you are thinking of starting a family with this "cute" (is that is only attribute?!?!?) guy, then you need to hash out with him what he feels his obligations to a family would be, how he'd plan to meet them, what place his African family would have in your future financial picture, what is his vision of conjugal love, etc., etc. before you get yourself into something that you feel you've not signed up for. Good luck! (and that don't mean good luck with HIM, that means good luck with the best life you can lead.)