How do I learn to accept love?

PLEASE HELP - Why doesnt My Mum love me and how can i learn to accept it ?

• I'm really desparate for some idea's here please anyone, I wake up most mornings and cry about this. I'm the eldest of 4 and the only 1 with a different dad, it was just me and my mum until i was 5 years old and then she met my stepdad, had 3 more kids and I just sort of got left behind. I really don't want to sound like im being a spoiled brat or anything, genuine things have happened throughout my life that have discinctly set me apart from my siblings, Where do I begin..... I am given small inexpensive gifts at christmas for example and have to watch the others opening hundreds of pounds worth of lavish products- im not kidding either- how does a JAR OF COFFEE and a DIARY stand up against a photo printer and iphone??? It's not just this - i'm not that shallow, it stems a lot deeper then that, i feel mistreated in every way by my Mother, at age 7 she threatened me into lying to the Social worker about my feelings so that my Stepdad could adopt me, throughout my childhood i was (what most would consider) Viciously mentally bullied by my stepdad, I was overweight as a child and he would shout out my weight to my friends and tell them how smelly i was and things, I truly hated him, whenever i appealed to mum she would brush me off with "stop attention seeking" and stuff. The only thing that got me through my Childhood was my beloved Grandparents who i would pine for on a monday morning and return to each friday evening after school, My gran is still alive and does not tolerate her daughters behavior toward me, it is a known fact amongst the family that my mother and I have a volatile relationship but only my grandma knows the hardships the relationship has undergone, she bought me shoes when mine were full of holes because my mother had spent the budget on the other kids new outfis, she nurtured me through the injustices and gave me unconditional love which is why I made it to adulthood basically OK and with only a mild marajuana addiction. Now i'm 34 and instead of things improving they have now hit the rocks, i find out about things such as my sisters wedding planning from facebook, Hearing about each of my siblings being bought driving lessons and foreign trips away by my mother and stepdad while i don't even get a phone call. I have learned not to raise the issue with my mother or question her motives and unfairness toward me as this causes her to become enraged at me and start accusing me of acting difficultly and causing trouble and she always shouts "I LOVE EACH OF YOU ALL THE SAME WHY CANT YOU ACCEPT THAT" and accuses me of being "JUST jealous of the others" and now accuses me of making things up about my childhood to make her and my stepdad look bad, We've previously stopped talking for years at a time after arguements where i've brought up the subject and asked her directly but i always cave in afterwards and need her at Christmas' and stuff - pathetic i know but she's my Mum and I do sort of still Love her. I am not making any of this up- my partner has witnessed this first hand and he doesn't even want me to maintain contact with her because he despises my mother's treatment of me and the nasty denial with which she seems to conduct herself. The problem i have now is that i just want peace with my Mother, I just want her to accept me and treat me equally for once, I know its not a perfect world and we dont get what we want but it's now at the stage where we have spoken twice this year and each time was destructive, first because she didnt turn up to see my new place and said she had forgotten as she was just SOOO busy, I was really upset by this and stopped myself from reminding her of how she was at my sisters new place EVERY NIGHT for the first 3 months when she got her new house, The second time was when i called maybe 4 months later to see how she was and to talk about my brand new sofa i just got for my brand new house - I got a hostile reception for calling because "I Never know what to expect from you and you're always nasty to me when i speak to you" The conversation ended with me explaining that she is acting irrationally and that I simply wanted to talk and ask her how she is etc.... she accepted that but the conversation incentive was already destroyed and we hung up without much further dialogue. So, the questions i have are: What can I do or say to make her reconsider her feelings towards me and if that's not possible then how do i learn to come to terms with not having a mum when you see how she can be as a mum to your siblings? Should i fight to win my mum or am i blind and can't see that i really am just an unwanted Bastard that should forget her?

• Answer:

  I really don't understand how someone can be so cruel to one child and kind to others. What a sad story. What's the story behind your biological father? I expect all your problems stem from that and what seems to be your mother's resentment (?) of having a young child to bring up, perhaps on her own. When your mother married your step dad it's as if she was drawing a line in her past and you're on the wrong side of it, a permanent reminder of what happened and something she seems to be very bitter about. I'm not sure you'll ever get your mother back, because accepting you will mean coming to terms with something that she doesn't want to accept.