What should I be this Halloween?

My wife is mad because I bought all of our Halloween candy from a guy in a truck; what's her problem?

• Halloween is just a few days away, and it is a holiday we really enjoy, but our neighbourhood is stormed by hundreds of trick-or-treaters every year, and it is an enormous expense. Well, I work as a freelance illustrator, and with the economy being so bad, I have not had much work this year. My wife has a regular job at a pork rind plant, and so this year all of our expenses have fallen heavily on her. We have had to cut back on any extras, and do nothing for entertainment, no movies, no dining out, etc. One thing we do, however, is save our change and recycle. There just is no way I'm going without my beer, so there are always beer cans to turn in. My wife gripes about having to buy me beer when she can't go get her hair nicely done, but hey, a man is king of his castle, and I say I need beer. Anyway, we recycle the cans and have the change stored in a big jar; we also put in any spare change we happen to have. We had saved up some $220.00. Now, my wife has whined and moaned about not being able to afford the beauty shop, when she is the one bringing money in; I don't understand what the big deal is; it isn't like I really look at her all that much these days. I mean, I have my needs and all, but it's lights out, you know what I'm saying? Anyway, she seems to be so vain that she thinks getting her hair done will make everyone look at that instead of her half-acre butt. Finally, after weeks of her whining, I relented and gave her permission to use the money in the jar to go and get her hair permed, or whatever. She was happy, and asked me to please turn in the change at the bank for bills, and she went off to work in a good mood. As I was getting ready to lug the money down to the bank, a guy in a truck pulls up and asks me if I want a real deal on some Halloween candy. I was curious to see what he had, and man, did he ever have an enormous stash of candy!!! This candy is the best stuff, the premier candy of East Germany; I was just wowed. It has a picture of Erich Honecker on the wrapper, and the seal of approval from the Stasi, so you know it's good stuff! Can you believe it? He was wanting to sell this goldmine of candy, and I just happened to be there at the right time to get it. I asked him how much for the whole load, and he pointed to my change jar and said, "Well, I'll swap you the whole load for that change jar." I'm no fool, I know a good deal when I see it, so I readily handed over the change jar. I was so excited! All I could think about was how our house would be the most popular house in the neighbourhood this Halloween! We now had tons of candy, and at what a savings! There is even enough candy for us to give as gifts for Christmas too; I just saved us a ton of money for this holiday season. I was pretty pleased with myself, but my wife came home and blew her stack. She said something about East Germany not even being a country anymore, and that the candy was old. Okay, so it IS a little dry, and the kids tasted it and said it tasted sort of like salty licorice, but that didn't stop the little monsters from shoving handfuls of the crumbling stuff into their mouths! As it was, I wasn't listening too hard to my wife; can't a man relax in his own home with a few beers and not be bothered by his harpy wife all the time? She of course was hysterical that her hair money was gone now, but I told her I would ask our friend Big Sally, who does the hair and makeup for the bodies at the funeral home, to see what she could do with my wife's hair. My wife wasn't happy with this, though. Can you believe how unreasonable she is?! I just scored a huge deal and have us flush with holiday candy, and she is so selfish, all she can think about is her damn hair! How can I get her to see how spoiled and childish she is acting?

• Answer:

  You didn't by any chance get the candy from a guy named Manny at the Colton indoor swapmeet parking lot did you? (((Jack)))