My wife is mad because I let our kids make Halloween costumes this weekend; what's her problem?

• I can't believe how she is acting! Her mother came home from the hospital yesterday after a minor surgery, and my wife went up to the hospital in the morning to bring her home and spend the day with her. I was left in charge of the house and kids, and before she left she said it would be nice if, instead of spending the day drinking and letting the kids tear up the house, I would get everyone together and go to church. Well, I was squirming at the thought of that, and I know she could tell, because she said that if I was good and did the church thing she'd bring home some surprise for me. Well, the surprise part sounded okay, so I said that I would. Well, when I got the kids up and said we were all going to go to church, they started whining, saying church was boring, and that they wanted to get ready for Halloween. I said no, that we were going to church, so everyone get ready. They whined and complained, but started dragging themselves around. I went into the kitchen to see about breakfast. Well, our five year old comes into the kitchen and says he's thirsty, so I said for him to go to the fridge and get out a juice box to drink, but he grabbed one of my beers by mistake, so I had to take it from him and exchange it for a juice box, telling him, "No, this one is daddy's drink; here's your juice." Well, I really intended not to start drinking, but it was already in my hand, so I thought one wouldn't hurt. Well, the other kids came into the kitchen and my oldest daughter started in on me when she me drinking the beer, saying I would surely be too drunk to drive, so no one could go to church. I said that was nonsense, that one beer wasn't going to inebriate me, but she kept up her protest and really started to irritate me, so I ordered everyone out of the kitchen. No sooner had they left the kitchen than the three girls started arguing over hair barrettes, and my yelling at them to knock it off did no good; my head was starting to hurt from the noise, so I had another beer, just to stop my headache. My daughter comes back in the kitchen, sees the empty beer can, and me drinking the new one, and starts hollering again that I'm too drunk to drive, and I just gave up; if they didn't want to go to church, fine. Well, we got through breakfast, although they said their mother wouldn't like me giving them leftover pizza and cola, but I told them their mother wouldn't mind what they ate for breakfast if they didn't tell her, now would she? Third beer. After breakfast, the kids were all hyper about Halloween, and wanted to go shopping for Halloween stuff. I was on my fourth beer and thought they should learn that crap like that is expensive, so I told them that when I was a kid we never bought costumes or decorations, but made them ourselves. I told them to look around the house for stuff they could use for homemade costumes and decorations. After that, we had a great time! I joined in on the fun, helping them cut up sheets for ghost costumes, use their mother's makeup kit to make them look like ghouls, etc. I got inspired, and transformed our son into an impressive punk-rocker, even shaved a killer mohawk into his hair! I knew he would totally have the coolest costume in his kindergarten class. Well, as I'm finishing his hair, I hear my wife walk into the living room, where she spied the couch covered with the silly string the kids had sprayed on it to look like spider webs. I heard her say, "Oh, God", then start yelling, "Jack! WHERE ARE YOU? WILL YOU COME HERE, PLEASE?" I knew from the sound of her voice I was in trouble then. It didn't matter that the kids and I had had a great day, she just dragged me through the house, shrieking as she found each new thing to complain about. I am not too certain what she was carrying on for; something about 1500 thread count sheets not being good for costumes; after fourteen beers, I wasn't listening too hard. She also wasn't happy with her makeup being "destroyed", as she put it, and why hadn't I kept my promise to go to church and not drink?! Well, she was being so unreasonable then, that my protests that the kids had practically put the beer in my hand and forced it down my throat made no impression on her. I insisted that the kids didn't want to go to church anyway, and their costumes were lovely. Well, she went on a tirade, sent the kids to bed, and made me sleep on the couch. She never did give me the surprise she promised. :( Why can't she see this wasn't my fault? And what is her problem with the kids having some Halloween fun?

• Answer:

  Dear Mr. Jack: Your wife is a total ungrateful shrew who does not deserve you! It's your kid's fault, obviously, and she is so off base for blaming you. Who was the first one to pull the brew from the fridge, hmmm? You know who! Little Mr. Smartypants, that's who! Stealing your beer at five years old? He needs a trip to kiddy rehab, that's what! You are clearly an abused husband and you should think seriously about getting out of this damaging relationship before it harms your self-esteem. I am sorry for what you have to put up with. I will pray for you! Sincerely, Frits van Schmecky