What do you think of this college essay?

• Diversity often brings about images of various races embracing each other and behaving as one collective body. Diversity however, is not merely an outward appearance for it involves many other factors. If diversity is measured solely based on racial terms, the people in a room may be of different races but may all have similar backgrounds in terms of socio-economic levels, where in the country they come from, or have similar interests. While this may be helpful to the students in terms of building friendships, it does not make for a vibrant, dynamic community where ideas can be readily exchanged and debated. Diversity requires an influx of ideas, points of views, and interests to serve a meaningful purpose. In order to maintain this state of being, many types of people must be involved otherwise the community becomes stale.

• Answer:

  Hmmm... I think it's a good start, and you have a strong grasp of the grammar and syntax, but you're just telling them your definition of diversity and then your own talents. SHOW the college your talents, strengths, and eccentricities with an interesting anecdote. Tell a story!! Make it funny, or sad, or silly... just put in personality and spark so that it's unique to you. Right now I haven't learned enough about you to be interested; this paper could have come from any student! Sorry to be so harsh, but I think you can do better. Good luck and I hope you get in!