How do I climb the career ladder?

Career Women - Do you find commitment stifling?

• (Career Women / psychologists / or experienced answerers answer only please) Having read the article, 'Men don't marry career women', I can relate to many of the authour's posits. As a career woman (married without children) I am finding it difficult to emotionally balance my work ambitions with my relational ambitions. I want to maintain my balanced marriage - but as I climb the ladder in my work, I need to increase the energy that I'm putting into work. Secondly, having children scares me to death as it would add an extra level of responsibility and there's no way I would neglect a child - but on the other hand I know I would be depressed if my career was not on the upward course. I still have maternal desires and at 30yrs. don't want to wait too much longer. Feeling stifled. Anyone else relate? Any advice?

• Answer:

  As a woman of 50 who has a career and a successful second marriage (but no children), yes, there were times when I was younger where I did find commitment to be stifling. I was confused with meeting my ambitions and climbing the proverbial ladder of success, fulfilling the role of a wife, a mother (which never happened) and fitting in with societal expectations of me. In effect I was torn between both worlds and I wanted it all. Most importantly, my day didn't end after I got home from work at all - I still made dinner, did the dishes and cleaned up, while my first husband had a chance to watch the news, change his clothes and do what he wanted to do. Thus, despite my being career minded by day, I was more of a traditional wife at night, which confused and frustrated me. I was the only woman in my extended family who chose a career over marriage and motherhood first, and yet I wound up still being in a more traditional role after work, and it drove me nuts. I resented it and my former husband, who was equally traditionally minded, even though he expected me to also contribute to the marriage by working full time. BUT he never cooked, cleaned or did laundry. The problem is you really can't have it all in this day and age. You can have components of each, but you can't have it all and be sane in the process. To find balance, you have to compromise a little something from each component of your life, and recognize the importance of each. For example, prior to meeting my second husband I used to put in between 9 and 11 hour days. I was at work early, stayed late, and commuted home by car, which was another hour or more, depending on traffic. I loved my job and wanted to put my all into it. And yet, when I met and married my second husband I knew that I also wanted to be with him, so instead of staying at work 3 more hours than I needed to, I went in an hour earlier and left an hour earlier. My commute is long, but I got to spend time with him. I will work late or on weekends when I HAVE to, but not always. Why did I do this beyond wanting to be with him? Because I learned that no matter how MUCH we commit ourselves to our careers, a career is not going to take care of you when you have the flu. A career is not going to sit with you on a cruise or hold your hand at night. It will help you do these things, but it will not emotionally sustain and nurture you. Furthermore, and this was a lesson I had to learn, when we are young we assume certain things: we assume that if we put off having children until we are in our mid to late thirties that we can. Sometimes we can't. We assume that our older bodies can handle a pregnancy, but sometimes it can't. We assume that our marriages may be perfect and wonderful, but sometimes they aren't, and we assume that we are always going to have our health, and we don't. I made all of these assumptions, and had to learn the hard way how to find balance and meaning in life. I wasn't able to have kids in part due to the stress of my work, the age of my eggs and some physical abnormalities I have internally. My marriage failed. I lost a big job. I hit rock bottom. So I began to see what mattered more...my life, my home, my inner peace.... I write this because I pushed and pushed myself to succeed. I have done very well for myself and I have accomplished a lot, and for that I am proud. But I pushed myself so much I have some medical issues because of it, on top of what I went through years ago with my fertility issues. On the outside you couldn't tell, but it's there...an ulcer here, fibromyalgia - muscle, pain, sleep disorder. I am fine and am not complaining, but know this, life is too short. While having a career is great, sometimes it is equally wonderful being curled up in front of the fireplace with your loved ones.