How do I deal with an overly assertive and outgoing co-worker?

How can I deal with my resentment WITHOUT causing an awkward disposition with my coworker?

• We work very closely together. We both hold the same title and share responsibilities. We sit right next to each other and share a workstation, though we each have our own side and drawers. She threw out a notebook and folder that were left at the front desk with us last week. At the end of the day, she just tossed it. I saw her do this and didn't say anything. She's been here longer than me, so our raport is that I defer to her bc I am non confrontational and figure she knows better. In retrospect, I should've suggested we take the folder and notebook to the lost and found instead of just trashing it... but I didnt say anything. Yesterday the person who brought the notebook up to the desk called saying the client who left it wants it back. To be nice and cover for my coworker, I said "it was thrown away." period. without pointing fingers. Nothing that can be done about it anyway, so why aim blame. Next thing you know two other coworkers came up to us asking about it. I became nervous and uncomfortable bc I don't like to lie or conceal the truth. My coworker who THREW IT AWAY, let our other coworkers believe that the woman who brought it up to the desk, in fact hadn't brought it up to the desk at all... She didn't SAY that, but let them believe it... when they walked away I told her that I don't think it's fair to let them think the other woman is a liar or did anything wrong, when that's not the case. So the next two times we were approached about it, she said, "Yes, it was brought up here...but it was thrown away." Now this new set of vagueness makes it look like I was the one who threw it away, which also isn't true. I then remembered a time when a phone call was not handled well and the client became upset. When asked who exactly took that phone call, my coworker didnt hesitate to say it was me. Which was true...but that incident is just making me so angry now that this whole big deal w/ the notebook being thrown out makes it look like it was me and it wasn't!!! Furthermore, she is habitually late and often doesn't share in the responsibilities once she arrives. She consistently comes back from lunch late. What's worse and graiting on my nerves even more is that she uses that hospitable southern tag line, "what's mine is yours!" entirely too literaly. True I wanted to set the tone for our work relationship that she should feel comfortable and free to grab and apply some of my hand lotion, use my lint roller every now and then, and borrow a tea bag from time to time...but she uses at least 2 things of mine EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. This is like the 6th work day in a row she's borrowed tea. She uses my tea bags more than I do. I've removed the lotion and lint roller so it's no longer so easily accessible to her, but she often still requests it... (aka asks for it...) What's worse is that I would not DREAM in a million years of taking something off her desk without asking, bc she's VERY territorial, and I seldom ask bc I haven't received the warmest reception in the past. A little background: she's African American and from an urban area. I'm Caucasion and from the suburbs. I understand that she is, by nature, more guarded than me and I have strategically set an open tone to our relationship going into it knowing it would be entirely one-sided and unreciprocated, and I'm fine w/ that -- TO A CERTAIN EXTENT. Those are the key words. I really don't mind a little bit of this behavior, but she has taken it to the extreme and I am starting to feel taken advantage of. She has this sense of self entitlement, like I owe her something. For instance, my mother calls the office occassionally and she asked my mother to knit her a scarf for Christmas. That takes like 20 hours and isn't exactly free either...and she requested a scarf like 3 times. I got her a little gift basket as a friendly gesture for Xmas (some of us exchanged gifts in the office,) and my mother DID make her a scarf. She didn't get me anything and never wore or mentioned my mother's scarf. No thank you note. The next time she spoke to my mother on the phone she didn't mention it or thank her for it. I don't want to lose our amicable work environment, so how can I work on these feelings of resentment on my own? Thanks.

• Answer:

  Sounds like you and your co-worker have very different styles of communication; she is very direct, and you are not. She probably has no idea you feel the way you do, because you never told her. I think you should try to be more direct with her, instead of just waiting and waiting for her to one day become more like you. Don't get caught up in worrying about being seen as rude or b1tchy - you do have to get along with each other, but you don't have to be best friends. And you do have to look out for yourself in the workplace, because no one else is going to do it. Next time you see her throwing something away that you think shouldn't be, take it out of the garbage and say, 'I'm going to put this in the lost and found. I have a feeling the woman that left it here will be looking for it tomorrow.' If she asks for something and you want to say no, say no. It's not fair to her to say yes and expect her to understand that you really mean no.