How do i become more outgoing?

How can I learn to appreciate myself and become outgoing?

• The thing is... I really want to be outgoing. I used to be able to talk to anyone about anything. Now, I've closed off and I tend to shut people out. There are only a few people I am really comfortable talking to. I can be outgoing online, but in person I hardly say anything. I don't care very much for other people's opinions on me, but I tend to put myself down a lot out of habit. I can spend a lot of time complimenting other people and finding their good qualities, but I can't for myself. I can't become outgoing because I'm not very comfortable with myself and I can't be comfortable with myself because I'm not outgoing! Indeed, I'm 13, so I have a lot more of life ahead of me, but I want to be comfortable in my own skin for once. Anyways, thanks a lot for your time.

• Answer:

  Adolescence is tough on many people. I went through something similar at your age. ___The solution for me was just to talk to people anyway. Sure, sometimes you'll make gaffes, but part of what is needed is a tougher skin. ___You're at an age where you're beginning to be self-conscious and self-aware. It's a slowly developing skill, and a bit uncomfortable in the early years. ___One of its side-effects is a kind of hall-of-mirrors effect as you observe yourself getting nervous with others, and this makes you feel more nervous, and you notice the increase in nervousness, which makes you more nervous, etc. The human ego is like having another little being inside, an observer of your own experience that isn't there when you're a little kid. It kind of creeps up with you, and develops so slowly that you don't notice any sudden difference, but around your age, you'll notice that you can observe your own emotions, thoughts, etc. in ways you couldn't when you were 6 or 10. At first it can get a bit out of control. ___But you can practice nipping this in the bud. When you think about it, the first emotion is the valid response to your circumstance, while the secondary and tertiary emotions are just self-reactions. You can learn not to take the later ones all that seriously, and you emotional life can get more manageable. ___Now there is a danger that you might come to get off on the rush of hyper-emotionalism. It can have manipulative power, like little kids' tantrums, and it can provide some intensity of experience that seems to some to be intrinsically appealing (emo's do this), But if you watch the effects when others do it, you'll see that it's a pretty self-destructive thing. Notice especially when you see adults who indulge their emotional responses and get doubly or triply resentful and angry, self-righteous and indignant, fearsome and panicky, depressed and feeling sorry for themselves. It's especially unattractive in adults, and if you observe this a few times, you'll never want to grow up like THAT. ___Good luck. Keep in mind that your peers are going through something similar, will be soon, or have recently. And besides, learning how to cope with your social gaffes on the spot is a valuable skill in itself. For many, if not most people, social skills and extroversion are learned largely by coping with what you're feeling now. Go for it.