Seriously, is there ANYTHING sperm can't cure?

• To hear many of my male contacts tell it, their ejaculate is good for age spots, hangovers, stretch marks, minor nipple irritation, major nipple irritation, bikini-line razor burn, under-bewb sweat, brain tumors golf ball size and smaller, the flu, dengue fever, itchy bellybottons, (innies only) earaches, dry inner-thigh skin, bulemia and liver disease. If this is true, why aren't these guys gainfully employed somewhere in a private room lined with little plastic cups and super raunchy porn at a big pharmaceutical company? Why aren't medical researchers fighting over their testicles like a rat and a pigeon fighting over a pork chop? IS IT BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL TOTALLY FULL OF CRAP AND MY EYELASHES ARE STUCK TOGETHER FOR NO GOOD REASON??? Or is sperm the miracle cure we have all been waiting for? If so, why doesn't it cure knee pain?

• Answer:

  It utterly fails as a form of birth control, and it won't balance the Federal budget, either. And, if you tried to trade it for a bottle of Visine, it might not tempt the clerk.