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Can you help with advise on wedding etiquette regarding groom family involvement & teen sister of groom dress?

  • We have a 20 year old son marrying his 19 yer old girlfriend of 3.5 years. The wedding is in April, as recently as December they were broken up for a couple of months. We, the grooms family, are a mom & step dad, and a dad & step mom 2 younger brothers 19 , 17 and a half sister 14. We have several issues would like your comments on. First, we (mom & step dad) were not told until about 2 weeks after her family was told. We were happy, but apprehensive, they are 20 & 19 and recently broken up and at the time of the announcement were just 12 weeks away, so a lot to get ready for. As of today, the wedding is less than 4 weeks away. This is our first child getting married and my wife is foo - foo planner type. The bride is not. When we had the parents meeting with bride and groom as well on who pays for what, those details were quickly agreed to, no problems, in fact we offered to pay more than we "needed" to. Also, my wife, the grooms mom, offered to provide the following: 500 chocolate covered strawberries that look like little tuxedos, the response; no. a photo booth, the response; no. a lunch the day of the wedding between decorating the hall and the wedding being about 5pm or so, then response; no. a dinner the night before, no. My wife was also told she and the grooms only sister (14 year old half-sister) would not be involved in the wedding party at all and neither could / would be walking down the isle. Also, the brides family members (uncles I think) would be able to sing a song (they are a barbershop quartet), but the sister of the groom , nor his grandfather would be allowed to according to the bride. So essentially, we left as invited guests but with a bill of several hundred dollars. OK FINE. So move head a few weeks later and several weekends of dress shopping for the grooms mother and sister. The wedding party is in formalwear and all of the grooms family except his 14 year old sister are either in tuxes and the mother of the groom dress, so in formalwear. So we feel to not leave her out, she should have a formal dress as well. We finally find a prom type dress for the 14 year old, who was ultimately allowed to sit at the table with the guestbook. It is along the lines of the wedding colors, fitted on top, and somewhat poofy below with flower design embedded into the bottom. Cost $375, all along the bride, who knew my wife's style for dresses as she buys new ones for a cruise every year and she is the foo - foo type, was given everything other than a picture of the dress as the camera feature on my wife's phone was not working. Last weekend following the 14 year old showing modeling it for her grandmother with the groom & bride there, nothing was said, the bride and groom drove home 30 minutes and it was never discussed between them, then about 90 minutes later the bride, after taking to her mom, called the groom in tears over his sisters dress, stating it would upstage her and she could not wear it. She then, rather than either herself or the groom speak to his mother about, enlisted her mom to invite the grooms mom to lunch to discuss wedding plans, where the instructions that the 14 year old could not wear this dress to the wedding were given. I believe the mother of the bride did not like that we were buying our daughter a new formal dress and got her daughter all worked up, as she is choosing to not buy a new dress for this wedding, nor are any of her siblings as they sound like they all bought new attire for the last weeding of one of her siblings. ALSO, the brides family has now told my wife that she should just have our daughter wear regular church clothes, and that my wife really should not buy a new dress either. Can you say lead balloon. When we balked, thinking that as the bride new pretty well the look & style of the dress and did not offer any opinion / advice after having such info, lost her right to object once the purchase was made. Now they have the nerve to tell my wife she too should not buy a new dress. Another lead balloon. So a few very heated text to the groom later after he took his brides to be side, rightfully so, but then stated we were flaunting our money and making her family feel bad to which I responded. I would guess they make about the same amount of money my wife & I do, Her dad is a pilot and owns his own private plane, they certainly are not poor, just choosing to live that way and they have no right to state we can or cannot buy dresses for the wedding, just like they choose to do for their last one. We have purchased my daughter an alternate dress but have not advised them of this situation, more of a church dress, but we will not be showing either then new dress, nor my wife's dress to the other family until we arrive at the wedding. So your thoughts? I am posting a couple of other moral issues we are experiencing, will post those in a few minutes.

  • Answer:

    It stinks when you have an opinion or preference, and are not allowed to express it, but it's the brides wedding, and what the bride wants the bride gets, esp. if there are no protests from the groom, and it seems as though there aren't. It would be kinda silly if your family came in dressed to the nines, and they were dressed much more casually. It would look ridiculous. I think (HOPEFULLY) they are just trying to keep it simple.

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You are the step dad, right? Just checking, because there are a lot of details in here that men usually don't fret about. It's clear the bride is too immature to be getting married, but you didn't ask about that. No one ever wins in discussions about who can afford what and who is upstaging whom and whose feelings are getting hurt. It shouldn't matter if the clothes you wear are new, old, recycled, home-made, tailor-made, or borrowed. It seems there are very specific expectations about tiny details on the part of the bride's family members, and you'll never guess right. It's best to take the high road, offer your gift of money to be spent as the bride and groom choose, and let the bride and her family make themselves crazy with details. You are all going into this with the presumption that your three families will be joined forever by this marriage, so keep out of the stress-causing bickering as much as possible so as to start the new relationship on the right foot. However, keep close with your (step) son, as he may be needing your support in the near future to disentangle himself from a family who doesn't have their priorities in the healthiest order.

Maria

These are not moral issues. You all are in the wrong as far as wedding etiquette goes. Here is how weddings SHOULD work. 1. If its your daughters wedding and she is close to her mom, she and her mom get to fight over what the wedding will be like. The end result will be some kind of compromise or the mom and daughter will never speak to each other again (or the couple elopes in which case the bride gets what she wants, which is what weddings really should be about anyway). 2. If its your SON getting married, the grooms family's obligation is to show up and host the rehearsal dinner, if there is to be one. They are also responsible for paying for the grooms attire that the bride selects for him. NOBODY but the BRIDE and the BRIDES MOTHER get to have any say on what anyone else wears to the wedding or what the decorations will be or if there will be a rehearsal dinner or anything else. Your wife was stepping on toes by making all her foo foo suggestions. Bigtime. She has no right to suggest ANYTHING. Especially not to select a dress for THEIR daughter. Your wife has the right to choose what she wants to wear to the wedding, and, within reason, what you will wear to the wedding, the brides family dictate the style/casualness of the wedding attire and this is supposed to set the tone for what everyone wears. So, if they suggest church clothes, then that is what your wife and daughter should wear. Its the brides big day and she wants to come out looking the fanciest. Got that? You and your wife are trying to run a show that isn't yours to run.Your paying for it doesn't give you the right to dictate how it should be done,the money should have been given no strings attached so the bride could select what she wanted. No wonder the brides family is having coronaries. So, if you want to get along with these people at all, I suggest you both sit down, hush up, and be glad you are even invited to the wedding. I would bet that they waited 2 weeks to invite you because they knew you would have all sorts of negative opinions about everything and they didn't want to have to deal with them any sooner than necessary. Your son is grown up now, and even though you don't approve of his choice to get married young or apparently his choice of bride, if you want to have a decent relationship with him you will smile and treat her and her family well and let them do things their way and stop being so judgemental.

angeloneus

If I was paying for a wedding for my son, you can bet that I would say what happens and when it happens. I would also insist on my family members being included in everything, especially the poor 14 year old, who should be able to look as good and be as much a part as any of the others. If they don't like it, let the bride's family pay for it all their way, which is the traditional custom anyway. Also, if the prospective bride and groom have had problems already, even before the wedding, it is not going to last and be a wast of time and money, plus more expense for the divorce. I would make them wait another year, and only pay if they are together after that time.

Jimmy C

Sounds pretty typical to me.....I hate weddings......If you can all survive this event, maybe the marriage will survive, too.....good luck

EvilWoman0913

Why don't you hire a professional wedding planner? If this is an expensive option and likely to be the object of division then each side could pay half. You have said that money is not a problem on either side.Therefore neither side would paying more than the other. A wedding planner will know what is traditional and correct. It is however important that all this in-fighting and generating of hard feelings be over with as soon as possible. It is not unknown for a couple to get fed up with all the fuss being made and just elope.

Stephanie May

firstly - i dont think its an issue that grooms family were told 2 weeks later (not sure whether you care or not, or if its just a comment). my fiances family were also told 2 weeks later than my parents simply as we got engaged over christmas during a trip to england to see my parents and i thought it wuold eb nicer to tell his parents in person so we waited until we were there in person generally - the bride decides the bridal attendants (the women) and the groom decides the groomsmen (the men). it would have been nice to include the grooms sister but not a major faux pas that she didnt. nowadays there is no such thing as what you "need" to pay for - it shoudl be the couple with or without voluntary contributions from the family. the idea that the grooms family pay for certain things (rehearsal dinner etc) and the brides family pays everything else is very old fashioned i can see that its kind of your wife to offer various things - strawberries etc, but its within the couples right to decline and there shouldnt be any resentment over that i actually think its pretty normal to give a style of dress for wedding party, and a dress code for guests. now as a bride to be, i wouldnt care what grooms sister was wearing...but maybe bride has gone a little bit bridezilla-esque dont think they have the right to tell your wife not to buy a new dress though. honestly i dont think these are major major issues...but i dont think youre sure of the wedding itself and youre both feeling a bit insulted etc. weddings bring out the worst in people!! im not saying its right, but a wedding does normally turn into the brides day unless the groom has strong opinions about things. so stuff like music, i can undserstand her caring about dont let it get to you =) you want to have a great relationship with them in the future and know your future grandchildren so i would bite my tongue and wait for the wedding madness to pass

jct_pp

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