Help! My boyfriend is smoking behind my back?

Mature/experienced Please help: What should I do about my boyfriend's recent smoking habits?

• Best answer 5 points.. thank you. I've been dating this great guy for almost 5 months. I'm 24, he's 27. We met through mutual friends & have been a good fit.. we laugh & typically have amazing times together. However, he has recently started up some bad habits (in my opinion & most people would agree is bad); he smokes pot, hookah & cigars (sometimes). He does not do cigarettes. When we first started dating, I was aware that he smoked pot once in a while..that didn't really bother me; now he is doing it several times a week. I am not fond of this. I am afraid he'll turn into a "pot head" and be forgetful, lazy, etc..I've seen that happen to people. As it is, when I go over to his place (he lives 45 min away), he seems tired/lethargic sometimes. And he forgot a volleyball tournament the other day (he NEVER forgets about volleyball, the sport he loves). He lives at a frat house of sorts with 4 other guys... They are wild & all a couple yrs younger (one is only 19). My boyfriend is 27.. he should be done sowing his wild oats! But the thing is, he moved in about a yr ago (very cheap rent for a room) & it's all he can afford. It was first time out on his own from his strict, conservative parents. I really want to get him out of there, but feel it's a bit soon to move in together (I can't afford my own apartment either). And I don't think he'd say yes anyway. One of the guys just bought a hookah so now he can do that all the time, too (instead of going to a hookah bar). I find it a turn off & his pillow/bed smells of hookah/pot now. To me, standing around smoking is waste of energy, money & time. I want to get out there in the world, do things, help people, whatever. The roommates/friends he has there are self-gratifying, always looking for their next high, what they can do for THEMSELVES.. Sleeping in til 12, playing video games, watching cartoons while high, etc. Just lame stuff. He is the only one in a monogamous, real relationship. It has become apparent to me that their habits have DEFINITELY rubbed off on him. I'm getting that "this isn't what i signed up for" feeling. But I do feel I love him. :( Can I ignore his vices/bad habits? I don't know...I really don't. I feel so torn. Dating a smoker used to be a deal breaker for me.. but he's the first guy to actually treat me right. And I DO care about his health/well-being.. I told him that & how I don't want him to get lung cancer, teeth turn yellow, sh*t like that..he didn't seem to really care. Our sex life is really good.. I lost my virginity to him, so I feel a lot closer to him. We have not expressed feelings of love yet though. My family loves him & they never like anyone I date lol.. (they don't know about him smoking drugs tho).. Appreciate help/tips on this, where to go from here. I know if I asked him to quit smoking things he'd say no. He has asked me to try a couple times & i said no because I'm happy w/o smoking.. And I have an auto-immune disease on heavy medications. Wouldn't be good idea & I just don't want to! Thank You for help.

• Answer:

  Don't just overlook his faults, things like this can cause major problems down the road. This is obviously important to you, and if he can't be sensitive to that it might be a deal breaker. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who wants to become better for you (and who makes you feel the same way about him). Be very open and honest about how you feel without trying to manipulate him and pay attention to how he reacts. You'll then have to make a hard decision.