How many religious people does it take to change a lightbulb?

• Charismatics: Only one. Their hands are already in the air. Roman Catholics: None. They use candles. Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off. Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician and seven to say how much they liked the old one better. Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it. Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb; however, if, in your own journey, you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb and present it next month at our annual lightbulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb and two or three committees to approve the change. Also bring a casserole. Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

• Answer:

  Pagan lightbulb jokes... Druids: 501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the new stone. Family Traditionalists: "Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!" (or) "Go ask your own grandmother!" Astrologers: "Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!" Pagans: Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs never burned out before those Christians came along. Gardernian Wiccans: Sorry, that's a Third Degree secret. (or, In a low ominous tone) "Why do you want to know... initiate?" Alexandrian Wiccans: Dunno - we haven't looked it up in the Gardnerian Book Of Shadows yet. (or) 13. One High Priestess to change the bulb, and 12 to hold her up under all that jewelry. (or) "Let's go see how the Gardnerians do it!" Brit Trad Wiccans: 13. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb. Solitary witches: (if they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious) Wiccans: Four. One for each direction. Buckland Witches: "Refer to my second book, 'Practical Light Bulb Changing', by Raymond Buckland..."