Who does this comedy stand up?

Who likes stand up comedy? anyone been to an open mic night?

• i want to go to an open mic night and try out stand up. im 18 and have never done it before but this is what i have written. im planning on just goofing around for a little while and improvising, but this is what i have basically. the last part is going to be a lot of miming and rely on timing so it might sound weird written but let me know what you think. hey!.... so your probably thinking whos kid wandered up here, right? well no. despite being the size of your average 11 year old. im actually 12. except for you sir, im whatever age you want me to be. yeah... anyway. i was having a dream the other night in bed. like you do. and i thought, what if dreams were real? not like the What if dreams really did come true? disney princess with a lollipop type thing, but like what if you went into an alternate reality and you actually did have a gym teacher made of jam and peanuts? trippy right? i know i know, i just blew your mind. i can tell by your lack of reaction you realize im totally right. so yeah... its really hard to be a girl in stand -up. i realized this in the last five seconds... but you know what, its true because to be a funny girl you either A have to make jokes about your period and why you or B be so incredibly disgusting that you just shock a laugh out of everyone. luckily for you guys in the audience, im not going to do a tangent of jokes about that time of the month and why billy is on the verge of breaking up with me but im also not loaded with my canon of dick jokes, because well, my mama raised me right. kinda..sorta...? no not really, but thats another story. and, AND ive found a third option. yes thats right the elsusive option C! it was out prancing about in a forest and i snuck up behind it real quite like...shhh.... and i got out my dick joke canon..you know the one i left at home today..and i shot it down and wrestled it to the ground and when it was gasping out its last little alphabetical breath it whispered to me. it said" f*** you, you f***ing shot me!" but then. then! it handed me a scroll and on this ancient scroll was all the wisdom of Option C. fingers trembling i unwrapped that scroll. and i read the words which i live by. tears in my eyes i read "if you suck bad enough, they will talk about you anyway" thank you youve been lovely, the rest of you not so much. i know its not fabulous, and its really hard to tell how its going to be by just reading it, but is it ok? do you have any suggestions? is this long enough for a first little open mic thing??

• Answer:

  I read it. you have potential, but make it a topic ANYONE of ANY background can relate to. Take it from someone in the business. I do like the way you are making jokes out of facial expressions, and the audiences reaction. IE-'except for you sir, im whatever age you want me to be' Genius. Also, add, when you come out on stage, hey my name is (your name)... pause, and then say, "That's ok, I don't know your name either" EDIT: I love your ending, BTW. EDIT: no! my favorite comedian: Ricky Gervais, is British, or so we hope... look at those teeth! EDIT: also raise, and lower your voice, have variety in your tones. Add in a few impressions if you have em, and never forget to add in a few of your own, fresh quips. EDIT (i need to stop "Editing"): Don't hesitate to ask the club owners if they mind yelling here and there. Because, Laughs come out when you yell it up.