How to convince parents?

How to convince my parents to see a therapist?

• Okay, so I am 20 right now and my sister is 11 and I am really concerned for her because I truly feel my parents are doing her psychological harm. I say this because I am living proof. My parents are conservative Indian parents who are very authoritarian. When I was growing up, they were very uninvolved with my social and mental well-being. In elementary school, I was bullied pretty badly and my self-esteem plunged dramatically. I didn't have a single friend and the other kids would call me names because my mom dressed me really strangely. I was literally tormented day after day and when I would come home and tell my mom that I wanted new clothes, she would just say "Focus on your studies. Forget everybody else". Anytime I was clearly upset by something someone said, my parents would always just say "Focus on your studies. Forget everybody else." In addition to the constant bullying I faced in school, I would face verbal abuse at home. If I didn't do well on a test, my parents would constantly compare me to my cousins (who are all geniuses) and call me stupid. They were pretty unaffectionate and the only time they were affectionate was when I would do really well academically. This resulted in too much pressure being put on me and if I slipped up and did poorly on a test, I would hide the test from them. I knew the only way to buy their affection was if I did really well in school and I feared them if I did anything wrong. They would be pretty harsh (and back then I didn't have a social life at all so they would threaten by taking away TV/computer privileges after telling me how I needed to be smarter and study more). It really messed me up while I was growing up and now that I have gone away to college, I have gotten perspective on the whole situation and I am really worried for my sister. My sister is the most honest and sweetest person I know. She is very very obedient and does all her homework and studies like crazy. This, however, still isn't good enough for my parents. She came home with a 96 on a math test because she got one question wrong and my parents told her she should have gotten a 100. I have never seen my sister lie before but this morning was the first time I ever did. She had taken a vocabulary test three days ago and she hid it from my mom. When my mom asked her if she got it back, my sister lied and said she didn't. She's a terrible liar so my mom figured it out and went through her backpack and found the test. She had received a 90 on it and my parents went ballistic. They yelled at her so much this morning, she got on the school bus in tears. I asked her before she left why she lied and she told me "I was really scared." I am really worried that my parents are turning her into such an introvert. She is extremely shy and very socially awkward. I try my best to help her whenever I can but I am away at college. I really want my parents to lighten up. They don't understand the importance of a social life and some occasional fun. They expect us to just be productive all the time and it really hurts us whenever they call us names. I tried to talk to my parents about the whole incident with my sister this morning and instead was just called a cow who is trying to do harm my sister's education. I really want them to see a therapist and change their parenting styles. My sister and I don't feel close to them, which is why we barely confide anything to them. Even if I have an illness, it is always my fault. If I'm crying because my stomach hurts, my dad goes on a tirade about how I don't drink enough water. I know growing up, I was super stressed and depressed (as a child!) and I'm really worried that my sister is going to end up depressed. I know she has friends at school and am constantly checking up on her to make sure she isn't bullied but I need to do something to help her deal with the bullying done at home by my parents. Any suggestions would be great.

• Answer:

  My biological mother is mentally and emotionally abusive, though not on the same subjects. I have several little siblings still living at home. I am not close to most of them, but one of them (who will be 17 soon) texts me daily for support and advice in her life. I live about 2 hours away and have a completely different life, no contact with bio mom, but I hope that it really helps my little sister to know that she can always come to me for support and advice because I know how it feels to be living in that household. As for your parents, I don't think you can make them change. I tried for many years to convince my mother that she was wrong in her parenting styles. She never took it as anything but me wanting to have no rules. That wasn't the point. I wanted affection and approval instead of constant judgement and misunderstanding. I agree that it can really screw a kid up, but as for what to do about it? I'm as lost as you. If your sister has any way to keep contact with you then I would suggest being there for her as much as you can. Even writing letters to her will likely help her out.