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Future mother-in-law upset I won't spend time with her. Isn't it my life?

  • I am ER nurse. Yesterday was the first day I had off in 4 months. I planned a relaxing day of staying home, doing nothing and just recharging my batteries. FMIL got wind I had a free day and said she wanted to go to lunch and shop. I told her no, as this was the only day off I had in 4 months and I wanted to be myself. She said it would only be a few hours and I told her again, I wanted that time for myself. She then said on my last day off, I saw my mom and I told her that I hadn't had the chance to see my mom for almost a month and that she should not compare herself to my mom. FMIL is pissed now, but really, why is it so wrong that I would want time to and for myself. I like my privacy and space and to spend time with whom I choose. FMIL is not someone I would ever spend time with unless it is with FH. FMIL is also a needy woman who can't stand to be alone or can't stand silence. I am the opposite, which is one reason why she works my nerves. I was entitled to spend the day the way I wanted, correct?

  • Answer:

    This a tough one because I completely understand where you both are coming from. One of the first problems to fix is your work schedule. It is not healthy to work 4 months without a break (you should know that, lol)! My niece is a nurse and going through the same thing...marrying into a large Italian family to boot! You need to explain it to her so that that she fully understands something particular to certain jobs like nursing, receptionists, customer service, etc. is that all day long you have people 'talking/wanting something from you' so that when you have some time off, all you want is 'quiet and no time constraints'. She will then understand you are not rejecting 'her' you are protecting your health. Keep in mind however that your FMIL will be on the EXACT THE SAME LEVEL as your Mom to both of you as a couple once you marry, so causing friction in the relationship is only going to cause problems later on, especially as she is only trying to be nice. You need to find a permanent solution to this problem. Perhaps you could all go to dinner, either at her house or a restaurant where it fits into your work schedule, not on your day off. As you will either be going to work after or coming off a shift, this would limit the amount of hours. Whether she is annoying or not, she is only trying to 'fit into your adult lives'. As she seems to have a lot of time on her hands, try to use that to your advantage, ask her to run errands, shop for gifts, have her 'source' a couple of wedding errands/projects. Making her feel part of your lives does not have to equate with 'face time with you'! You might be in her shoes ones day, so treat her the way you would wish to be treated by your FDIL! Congratulations and Good Luck

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Yes you should be able to spend time how you want, but she is going to be your mother in law. You cant avoid her because she will not take it lightly. You are marrying her baby so she will want to get to know you and spend time with you. Dont you think your husband wants you to have a good relationship with his mother as well? I think you need to figure out what your priorities are in life.

You were correct in stating your desire to spend the day alone, and to stick to your guns. I don't think your mother-in-law is angry you didn't spend the day together, but that you told her "she should not compare herself to my mom". She is going to be part of your family and she may have expectations about how you guys will get along. Does she have daughters? If so look at how she interacts with her daughters and that will probably clue you in into what she expects from your relationship. Try and figure out what your expectations are and see if your guys can come to some agreement about your relationship and interactions.

I see nothing wrong with it. You just need to talk to your finance and he needs to talk to your mom. You should go see your mom sometimes because she is your mom his mother may be family in the future but she still doesn't compare to your mom. I actually spend little with my MIL unless my husband is there and in eight years have maybe only spent 5 times with her away from him BUT always with the kids so its different. Plus its your day off she should realize that. Maybe what you could do if you do want to keep peace through the family is invite her over for dinner/lunch with you and your husband one day that way you can always excuse yourself if she starts getting on your nerves to much.

Your FMIL probably just wanted to get to know you better and now feels that you're ignoring her. You do deserve to spend your day off as you want to.Set aside a day ( of your choose) to spend with your FMIL. 40 days is an extremely long stretch to work and even friends don't seem to understand you need time to yourself.

Yes you were, however I also urge you to see her point. She wants to spend time with you as well. Yet at the same time she needs to learn that you need your own downtime and being alone for a day is what you require. With your work schedule this is difficult I understand that. But try at one stage to get a coffee with her. It will work miracles. Be gentle on her. She is not your perfect MIL, chances are she was imagining a different relationship as well with a DIL. She probably does not understand your work, nor your stresslevels. Why not explain over a coffee (in the hospital) PS I know it is hard, Still training my MIL - she was a SAHM and has no clue about careers and work

You are not wrong in wanting to have a day completely to your self. I get like that some times. But you should get together with your FMIL one day and just hang out. She just wants to get to know you since you will be marrying her son.

Your FMIL really needs to back off. It never ceases to amaze me that in-laws are surprised that spending time with them is not at the top of your list. That is why you have friends and family. Also, FMIL should have known better to compare herself to your mom. She is nowhere near that level.

You are correct! Don't let your FMIL give you the emotional guilt

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