Some questions re: life in rural Arizona?

Is my life a total ******* wreck?

• I guess there is just so much going on in my life... My parents are ok i guess, but they just try to make things better but always just hurt me in the process. They just don't know anything about me. I can say that no one at all really knows who I am or how I feel. I'm just alittle paranoid. I'm mentally messed up. the doc said some extremly long acronym that ended in "ortherwise no specification is recorded". What the hell? I take an antidepressant, an antibiotic, an antiaxiety pill, and something else to help me sleep. Every day i dread just waking up and facing everything in my life... school, family, friends... I've only ever had one best friend in my life. I knew him for about 3 years when i lived in a little suburb in Canton, Michigan. We met when i was just four. We did everything together. Then my family moved to Wisconson. I coulded stand any of it. I started school late their, a bad start to an entire bad nine months that I ended up spending there. Every day i got in some trouble for some reason or another. The superintendant/principal ruled the school. He once got so angry at me just because i wasn't super enthusiastic when i passed by him in the hall to the office. He got so mad he picked me up by my hair and then pushhed me down the hall into his office. He also yelled at me for crying. Then, after the school year was over, i moved to were I live now, in Colorado. Now I'm gooing to get back to my parents. They both were raised in large families controlled by nothing but strict rules and punishments. They don't see anything wrong with yelling at me about how little I know and how inferior I am until they're blue in the face, then whipping me with a belt. My social life isnt the greatest either. My mom often has violent mood swings at random times, making it hard to talk to her. I'm rather reclusive and introverted, so I havent made many friends, either. I've never been great at expressing how I feel. I never really tell anyone about anything in my life... all my questions just seem to lead to more questions that will never be answered. I've never really felt any sort of true love or overwelming happiness. I've never had any real hope to cling to but afew shattered falsehoods that proved useless in the end. I have an older sister, who i really care about, but she went to colledge two years ago. I tried to keep in touch, but I could never think of what to say to her. Right now, its 12:10 at night and I am just entirly exasperated. I'm sick of all this. I on multiple ocassions thoght I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, witch really turned out to be a freight train with its brights on, heading right at me at a million mph. I don't know how it will get better, but I'm sick of trying to hold on to false hopes. I don't know how long I can take my life at all any more. I just wish that some true hope will come along and stop this maddness that we all call reallity. I just wish things could get better,,, for me, for you, for my parents, my life... I just want it to end. I often find myself staring of into space wondering about the many conplexities that all of our lives bring and how it affects everything else. I just wish I could some how find the answers, fill in the gaps, some how get things to make sense. I am 13 years old, and I've all ready been given the whole speech about how things get better, it'll all make sense one day, just talk to someone, all that good crap. I don't need to hear it any more. I know that many people are far worse off than me without a roof over their heads or clothes on their backs, or food in their stomachs. But don't get all this twisted, I'm not trying for pity. I just want a reason to go on. I all ready feel as if I've drifted away... everythings just so grey and black. I remember when I used to dream, to laugh, to be happy... I would really like to feel that again. To perchance, start anew without all of this horrid disfunction throughout my life. A clean slate. A new chapter in this horror saga. I just want to live. in the 15 min it took me to write this, it feels as if years have gone by, mocking my insecurities. I just want to feel normal, like another average human being. I wish I could have so many things that will never be mine, and I have grown to loathe those who have made a mockery of disposition. I don't know if anyone will acually read this far. I don't know. I feel so cold... inept, horrible, forgotten... I just don't know what to think. I feel like I'm going insane. I don't even know what I'm doing half of the time. And as for those who have their own sob stories who feel like they can relate can tell their stories and let mine be forgotten. Who will notice? Who will care? No one. It seems as if nothing has any meaning at all anymore... I've just grow so... distant. If you've read on this far and trully care, than go ahead a

• Answer:

  Same thing sorta happened to me a couple years ago when I was in 7th grade. I tried to hang myself because of all the racist jokes I would get every day, I would miss school on purpose just because I didnt want to be around anyone. After 7th grade, my mind altered itself and now I dont give a **** about what people say. Haha its kinda weird though, but idk thats just me. Trust me, things will get better.