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Why would my friend get involved in this particular type of relationship?

• I know this is long, but please read and answer because I need help understanding this. I would really appreciate it. I'm 18 and I just found out my friend got in a relationship. I started having feelings for her a couple months ago. She kept telling me she didn't want a relationship with anybody, which confused me. If she never said that, I definitely would have said something. But she says this relationship is based on fun and that she believes she and the guy can help each other grow in a way she couldn't with most people. I don't quite understand it myself, but ok. When she told me all of that, I just then said my feelings for her. All she said was sorry. I told her I was ok with it and that I still cared about her. The thing is though that I'm not as fine with it as I seem to be. This guy is into drinking, smoking, and I think he smokes weed too. She's not into any of that. A week ago, they went to a party together and he got very drunk and started saying very sexual things to her. When I heard about this, I had gotten very upset. She doesn't want sex for a long time and he's seems to be cool with that. He said he was sorry about all of it and he was even worried he might have hurt her. She told him that if he would have, she would have left, but this is still emotional abuse if he makes her feel uncomfortable like that. Drinking is no excuse. He was even crying apparently. He said it wouldn't happen again. But you know, I've heard all of this before from my own dad who had hurt my mom a few times both emotionally and physically. She says that she believes he will change for her, but she doesn't know that. It's all real familiar. The guy seems like a nice guy and he seems to have a lot of respect for her, but anybody can lose control. My dad is also a nice guy and cares about my mom, but he has lost control so many times. She said that this guy is very broken and she says he's been recovering. It seems like the only reason she's in this relationship is to try to change him. He's vulnerable and needs help, so she's going to be the one to do so. He also just broke up with a girlfriend who was bad for him apparently. It just sounds like a rebound relationship to me. I hope for her sake nothing happens because if it does, I will tell her to leave. I won't put up with any more disrespect because he did something a couple weeks ago that really upset her. This particular thing involved hard drugs and somebody said he was doing it. He called her up later and said it was just a joke. This had her so angry and upset. I can't see why she would want to be involved with him if he would do something like that. Again, he said he was sorry and was crying and all of that again. My friend and I can talk about things deeply so I was thinking of talking to her about it. I won't outright say anything yet, but for now, I will just ask questions about the relationship and she what her true motives are. She says it's all just for fun, so I hope it doesn't become serious. If she had gotten involved with someone who had his life together, I would not be nearly this upset, even if it wasn't me. I'm going to pay close attention to this relationship. Even if I'm upset and heartbroken, I still want her to be happy because I care so much about her and if this guy just happens to be the right guy, so be it. But for now, I don't trust him and will tell her to leave if anything bad happens again. If she doesn't, then I won't put up with it anymore. Why is my friend doing all of this? I don't really understand it. Why would she get involved with someone like this?

• Answer:

  Oh, wow. I'm so sorry to hear that. Honestly, it really seems like you're right- it does seem like she's only in this relationship because she wants to change him. I can see that her relationship is getting really out of hand. For some reasons, she could still be with him because she feels sorry for him OR she is afraid to leave him because of the person she is. He drinks alot, he obviously hurts her emotionally-- I mean, what more could he do? Ask your friend to be really straight up with you. Ask her if he's ever hit her or threatened her if she'd leave. The point is here, maybe she's afraid to leave because he'll do something really bad to her. Good luck!