Lost.....Don't know how to forgive my husband for his drunken one night stand?

• My husband came to me a couple of months ago, on his knees, devastated and shaking and told me of a one night stand that he had while away on one of his "guy weekends". One of his friends has a vacation house in a small town and they usually go to this little bar in the middle of nowhere and party. This particular night he was with a couple of friends (one of which was separated from his wife) and they got really drunk, started talking to some of the ladies there (using the term loosely) and his recently separated friend invited 2 of them back to the house where they all continued to drink. My husband asked which one he was trying to "hook up" with, it was then that he told him that the one girl was there for him (my husband). My Husbands "friend" asked him if it would be ok for her to sleep in the same room with him, with one eye opened and balance on on leg,(her friend went home) and he agreed that she could sleep in the other bed that was in the same room. He does not know why she did not go home with her friend or if her friend had left her at this point. This woman did know that he was happily married with 4 children. There is not much of the night that he can remember, which makes it very hard for me. He remembers at one point pushing her away and then he remembers some things here and there but ended up a willing participant in the end. I trusted my husband 100% and never would have imagined this EVER happening! He told his particular friend the night before that he did not approve of his leaving his wife and child and it may even be a deal breaker in their friendship. He was known to be a cheater and my husband hated that about him. I sometimes feel that he set him up but in the end there is only one responsible party. I know the love we share is a special one but I need help. I don't know how to move on or even if I can? He wants to forget the whole thing never happened, he said it is too painful for him to keep re-living. I however am very annoyed with his ability to do so. I re-live it daily and have lost countless hrs. of sleep re-living it. Try grieving such a loss with 4 children, hiding in closets to hide the tears. He has answered all ques. to the best of his ability and has even said that he would do his best to find her and get me the answers I feel I need. He used no protection and can not even tell me if she could be pregnant. I take very good care of myself physically. I might be able to understand if she were the best thing he ever saw but he said she was not even attractive? I can't comprehend that. I am just looking for some SOUND advice. This is eating me from the inside ouweI have told no one and I feel it is important that I don't discuss this with my friends and family unless I decide to end it. I want to keep my marriage in tact but I have no idea where to begin. I know it may sound odd to some but I feel bad for him and I know he is hurting too. I try to hide my hell but frustration is starting to overcome me!

• Answer:

  wow, there is a lot here to address. Let me try some of it. 1- I understand your need to not share it with family and friends. It will be their nature to protect you and they will be very angry at him. This is their right and should be expected, but it also adds an extra issue for you to work through while you're trying desperately to come to terms with this on your own. Their upset with him will only make it harder for you. Please feel free to contact me if you want to talk. I am an unbiased and unknown person who has dealt with this issue from all angles. 2- Betrayal of a spouse is statistically the hardest loss to get over. Even harder than a death. The pain can be overwhelming and the hardest part is that there is no reprieve from it. You wake up with it and you go to bed with it. There are times you think you are dealing with it, only to be ambushed by anger and sadness at any second. You begin to feel like you are losing your mind. This is all normal and typical. The sexual issue is surprisingly not the worst of it. The lying and betrayal is what will kill you. You will relieve every minute: what you were doing when he was sleeping with her, what was he like when he walked through the door and kissed you hello, every minute of every day since then because those days all seem like lies to you now. It's a hard process of working through it all as it is like the Chinese water torture. 3- As often as people will say that they would never stay with a cheater, the fact is that most do at least for a while.They have no idea what they would do until it happens to them. There is a rejection factor that terrorizes us. We become so clingy and needy and desperate not to lose one more piece of our life after losing our peace of mind. We are scared and can't imagine life alone or as a single parent. It is very similar to post traumatic disorder. Everything about us grabs desperately to hang onto our world and our life as we know it. The flip side is that not only are we betrayed by the man who was supposed to love and protect us from pain but now we feel like we are betraying ourselves for tolerating it and not kicking him to the curb. The confusion is overwhelming. Let me guess, the words "I just don't know what to do" fall from your lips ten times a day. I wrote more than this, but yahoo is quirky today and not letting things go through. I don't feel like rewriting again so if you would like to email me I will forward the rest. Good luck to you!