How do I know if I'm having a mental breakdown?

I think im having a nervous breakdown?

• My husband and I have had some major trust issues. I have been lied to from the beginning of our relationship until basically right now. He always says he will change and i always just accept it and move on. He has never cheated but he tries to make himself out to be someone he is not to get respect from me and my family. I never should of married him and i knew in at the time i shouldnt but i did it anyway because i felt like it was just to late at that point. Ever since we got married i have made excuse after excuse for his lies and his at times abusive behavior (never full on hitting but pushing). Now we have a 2 yr old little boy and i feel like i have to stay with this man for my childs sake (he was recently diagnosed with autism and i dont want to disrupt his routine). It is not his fault i made bad choices. I have been married for 4 yrs now and been with him for 6yrs and i though tif i made it this far i can make it till my child is older. Now i dont think so. I found Gay porn on his phone last week and i cant make sense of it. I have cried and cired and cried and gone in to see a phychiatrist 4 times since then. I thought if i got it all out i woyld know what to do but i still dont. My husnband says he was looking at some other sites and these sites popped up on it but that doesnt 100% make sense to me. Y so many sites? Pop ups on a cell? I tried to make sense of it and found some sites that support the idea of porn pop ups on cell phones. I immediatly call my hubby into the room and forgive him basically. How sick is that? i ignore ALL THE OTHER SITES? Seriously? What is wrong with me that i keep on putting myself threw this? I am so incredibly depressed, if im not crying im numb. I asked my family not to come down to visit as plannned so i can figure some stuff out and of course they ignored me. They have been here a day or so and i am just so disgusted in myself, I cant stand this fakeness anymore. He of course knows i dont wana cause a scene so he is taking full advantage and i find myself enjoying certains moments we spend together with our son but then i remember what is going on and i get physically sick. I know the worst of it is over now, I think i had a nervous breakdown last week and now im just severly depressed. At one moment though i was fine, when i told my hubby we needed to seperate and he needed to get some real help b4 i would even consider mariage counseling. I was at peace and sort of felt light. Then i changes my mind a few hrs later and now im back to the numb feeling and the random crying for no reason. I cant stop hating myself for allowing this to go on for so long anf i dont know if i can believe him when he says those sites were pop ups. I mean it makes a lil sense since they happened in the same day and their were no other searches b4 or after but i know that when it comes to him i cant trust my instincts or anything he says. I am going crazy here and i need to be their for my child not worrying about this. I cant shake this off i just cant but obviously im to weak to stick to a decision. Im so stupid and so sick of myself. I feel humiliated and have no one to blame but myself. Their may be somthing seriously wron with him but im worse because i see and recognize it and have invited him to my life.

• Answer:

  I really feel for you. There is nothing wrong with you. You're emotions and flip flopping feelings are normal. What I'm going to say might sound harsh, but I'm going through something similar, so I mean this out of the kindness of my heart. For some reason or another, you are with someone who has major issues with himself. I'm sure he loves you, but doesn't love you completely because at this point, he doesn't know how to do that. Maybe he had a rough childhood and was never shown the proper way to love. I don't know. Maybe you're like me and choose men who have these deep issues and out of love, you want to fix him and make him whole. Not to say he will never get to that point of being the man you need, but he's not that man right now. You're feeling deep pain and turmoil. It's only natural for us humans, us women, to ignore the problem and pretend everything is okay. That's called denial. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, just that your brain is holding back on these painful emotions from hitting you all at once. It's a coping mechanism. What I suggest is couples therapy, with individual therapy for the both of you. That way, you could talk things out in a safe way, with an impartial party. He may not be gay. Maybe he's just curious, which doesn't mean he'll act upon it. If he rejects the idea of therapy, or if it doesn't help, then you have to do what you have to do. I understand how leaving a marriage with an autistic son would disrupt your child's life, it would be better than seeing his mom suffering. It would be hard for a little bit, but he'd have your full love and attention. Good luck with everything. Again, my heart goes out to you and I hope everything works out :)