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How do I deal with my parents guilt trip? They won't let go and I'm an adult...?

  • I can't move out right now bc of school, I'm 2 quarters away. Also, the hospitals are cutting jobs bc of budgeting. I have to wait 'til I get my license to apply for a better job. I'm in my mid 20's and my parents' guilt trip still haunts me. My parents are your good old fashioned, OVER-protective Asian parents. My mom is very naive and sheltered - thinks (and expects) that people don't have pre-marital sex; people who have one drink of alcohol are alcoholics; and your first boyfriend should be your husband. I have my asian values but I'm definitely American and independent (another thing we tend to clash on). I feel like they would want me to be sheltered and ignorant forever - like those asian kids who never grow up and stay home and study. I'm a good girl and I don't think they understand how GOOD they have it. I never got to enjoy the social aspect of high school and didn't really "go out" until after I turned 21 but even then, I never went out. I had to "sneak out" of the house & lie to where I would go, just to experience life and growing up. Didn't do drugs or get drunk but I needed that normalcy. I'm in grad school in the med field now, just started work again this week, and just finished with finals (about 4 weeks 'til I go back w. the rigorous hospital and lecture/study hours. boo). My mom gave me crap for going to my cousin's bachelorette party. "don't go to that party!" One, I don't think she thinks it's "age appropriate" for me (even though I'm 25... she's very in denial of me getting older. I think she would be taken aback if I got into a relationship now. Honestly.) Two, she probably thinks I'm gonna drunk and watch strippers get naked all night. Thing in Asian culture, is that we don't talk. It ends up being a screaming match and the adults are always right. Also, I'm at that age where bachelorette parties are going to be a common thing - she can't shield me from that. Before I went out, drama started. I can never go out without feeling stress/anxiety fr. my parents w. all these years of "no you're not going" (aka restraining me). My dad is already mentally messed up (don't wanna go too deep but he's got issues) and within 1 minute his mood went from angry to pacing around the garage, screaming/yelling, looking for a baseball bat to knock out my car windows so I won't go anywhere (?), then threatening that he was going to kill himself (which I call BS, it's his manipulative tactic since we were kids. He likes to threaten us to "scare us" so he could get his way). My mom insist i "put them through worry." WHAT WORRY?! We BARELY go out - we don't do drugs, get drunk, go to jail, had abortions. Jesus Christ. So they want us to live life the way THEY want us too to calm down their worries? I can't live my life because of their own insecurities?! Also my mom claims she doesn't "trust" me because I've "lied in the past" (again I HAD to lie; it was survival for me to be "normal" and everytime I did tell the truth, they FREAKED). I'm so tired of this... I have to deal with this everytime I leave the house. It's stressful. Also, when I started my program they pressured/bothered me to quit my job to "focus" on school; that was my plan but I wanted to do it on my terms/time. When that didn't happen, my GRANDMA and cousin called me non-stop and used the guilt trip method, "please. huu huu huu... it'll help you family if you quit so you can be a better student." TO THIS DAMN DAY, I resent them for that. I'm a working girl and the minute they convinced me they could financially take care of me, was the day they reclaimed their power and control. I'm just as good as a deadbeat wife. I can't make my own decisions without them criticizing me and this is why I don't tell them anything new with me at all. They think I'm being a b*tch but it's because they get too involved and try to control everything in my life. I am mentally drained. How do I snap out of this stress and guilt?

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    It depends on various other considerations also. The matter has to be deeply analyzed and examined at a leisure time when the mind is fresh. Now my mind is in a confused for no reason. For the present, if you are in a great hurry, use your discretionary powers wisely. Otherwise I will come forward with my solution soon.

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You've come this far. Don't do anything until you get your license-then when you have it,get a job and move out as soon as possible. Your family means well but from what you've written they will suffocate you in the name of love. Your mother won't come around until you're in your forties and unmarried-then she'll be pestering you to find a husband,good luck with that in middle age. No,get your license and become independent as soon as possible. Then start dating,it sounds like you've got a lot of catching up to do.

Alion

Read: Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward, & Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry by Albert J. Bernstein, & Who's Pulling Your Strings?: How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life by Harriet Braiker, fromm your bookstore, or amazon.com View my previous answer about guilt at http://au.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110819054013AABtcWS

barry

It sounds like you have it really rough. I know you want to be a good daughter, but I would just tell them "I'm 25 years old and I'm old enough to do what I want, but I respect you. I'm not doing drugs or off getting pregnant. I'm just going out with some friends." What is the worst thing they could do? Anyways, good luck.

Jackie

Look, you're the beneficiary of a good culture and protective parents. Some kids would give anything to be in your place. That being said- this is nothing new for you, and you are in your mid 20's. Couldn't you see this coming? You need to 'suck it up', and sacrifice some things to get the 'freedom' you feel you need. Maybe this 'sacrifice' is taking on a part-time job to earn extra money, or not going out with your friends as often- whatever it takes. Save up your money so you can get a place of your own (or with a roommate). As long as you are living off of your parents (food, clothing, shelter, or schooling)- you need to respect them and their rules, just as you will expect your kids to follow your rules.

Vee Dubya

Your parents still see you as their little girl and will treat you accordingly until the day you move out, get married and have a family of your own. Even then in their minds they’ll still see you as their child.

Hollywood Jono

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