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Is my College Application essay good enough?

• Please, can anyone proofread my college application essay? I am applying to WUSL's University Scholars Program in Medicine and would like to check if my essay is good enough. Please feel free to write any comments/feedbacks. Thanks in advance! Here is the prompt: Explain why you are interested in pursuing a career in medicine. Describe any life experiences that may have sparked this interest, as well as any personal attributes that make you especially suited for a medical career. And here's my essay: Los Angeles International Airport, June 16, 2006 was the place and time I told myself this, “Jeanny, this is it! You are now in this great 'land of opportunity.' Make your dreams come true and become a successful doctor. Don't forget your people in your barrio; help them as soon as possible because you never know, you might be their only living hope. God, use me.” When I was growing up in a little town in the Philippines called Candon, I became completely aware of how poverty predominantly predates upon the vast majority of the weak and uneducated people around me. Poverty is like a kind of a mutant genetic disease in which it is always carried as the dominant trait; as a result, it inevitably precipitates this never ending cycle of lost hopes and forgotten dreams. Not to sound like a cliché, but my people need someone to break that cycle and make the world a better place for them and especially for the next generations to come; they need me. I would provide them free health benefits such as free check-ups and the necessary education they need in order to to build a strong foundation of a successful and healthy family. I would like to see them come up to me with their smile on their faces and say, “Thank you for everything , Dr. Gambon.” -that would mean everything to me. I believe that I can make a difference to these people's lives for I am a diamond in the rough, not just an ordinary pebble. I am the kind of person who shines with my own light and motivation, always ready to take action whenever it is necessary. My life as of now: it's a blank canvas, and I am the artist. Right here is the paintbrush I'm holding, about to start a masterpiece out of it.

• Answer:

  You should be checking your essay with family members/ friends. Not really to random people on the internet. Anyways, your essay should resemble your life style and how it leads up to your college experience. By the looks of it, you're doing pretty well. Just don't write a narrative essay, speak your mind. Tell them what life was like as a middle school or as a high schooler. Do this and you'll be guaranteed acceptance.