Do You Think I Care Too Much About School?

• Ever since I was old enough to go to school my parents told me to learn as much as I can and work very hard. They came from small african villages and through hard work and education they are now almost millionaires. So, I've been to 2 school districts and in both I was always in the top 3 of my class. School has mostly been easy, because I like to read, so essays are no trouble, and math is just practice. I also always like to go above and beyond. For example, last year we had this assignment where in 1 month you needed to get 50 homework points. You could get them from writing an essay, watching an educational movie, reciting poems, and winning review games. Every task was worth 10-20 points. I got 220. There was also this literature vocabulary activity at the beginning of this year where we got a book with 20 new vocab words and exercises with about 80 questions to go with it each unit. There were 15 units. I finished all of them by the 2nd weekend of school. I really like to learn as much as possible and do my best. I want to make the most of my education that so many people around the world would kill for. I also want to go to Harvard to study anesthesiology. But, now I'm in high school and the work is getting harder. I have to stay up to 1 or 2, or sometimes even all night to finish and understand it. I have 97 and above in all my classes, but I try to get the highest grades I possibly can. For example, yesterday was the end of the term. I have a 99% in science, but I retook a test I'd gotten a 90% on just to get my grade to 100%. I want to be valedictorian, so every grade counts. And there are people in my class who seem naturally smart and don't have to study as hard to get good grades. Yesterday my class did codes in morse codes. When it came time to guess my code, everyone started saying workaholic, and tryhard. I just want to do well in life. My parents say the work will pay off, but they are saying it less now. I asked them what they though of me and they said, "someone who's very serious about their work." My sister said to me today when I said I was too busy at the moment to wash the dishes, "you think the only thing that matters in life is your academic work." I tried ot to take it to heart since my sister didn't take school that serious, is 27 years old, never had a boyfriend, still lives at home, and doesn't seem to have any friends, even her coworkers. I feel like I have nothing in my life except my grades. I always say to myself that it will all pay off, and the hard work now will make my future easier and brighter than my parent's. Sometimes though, I feel like I'm not enjoying my youth. The thing is, most of the people in my grade who seem to be having the most fun and friends drink, do weed, and go far with their boyfriends. It seems to me, high school will end and then none of what I did or didn't do will matter, but the grades will be there. I get along just fine with people at school, but I know if I take it any deeper than casual, I'll be sucked into their problems and drama. People have also told me if I wasn't so into school they'd like me more. I have a twin brother and he always says that I study too hard. One time he said that I don't know how to have fun. He admitted once that he's jealous and he knows that I'll be successful and he probably won't. I get the feeling this is how most of my classmates feel. When I'm not doing homework, I'm doing robotics, public speaking, student council, class president, young writer's club, essay contests, tutoring middle schools, science olympiad, volunteering, soccer/basketball, or reading a good book. What should I do? I know you should have fun in high school, but everyone in my school who is like that is really either doing drugs, or who sees me as competition. It kind of Just seems like a waste of time to be friends w/ people who won't be lifelong, and I know in my heart of hearts don't really like me. Do I seem like a workaholic to you? Do you think I'm obsessed? Do you think my peers are intimidated by me? How do you think they see me? What would you describe my personality as? Do you think I should just stop caring about what my peers think? Do you think I will get into Harvard?

• Answer:

  1. People are always jealous and critical of those who are successful. You need to learn to deal with this. Accept that if you are successful at anything, there will be people who will be jealous. Learn to ignore what they saying (like "you study too much") and set your OWN goals and standards for yourself. Remember--jealous people are not mad at YOU. They feel bad about their own performance. So don't take the jealousy personally. But DO consider whether you are doing anything to irritate people. Are you talking about your success too much? Do you stress too much about grades in front of people (this can make people feel inadequate)? When someone says something about your personality or study habits, you don't have to believe that person! Have confidence in yourself. Ask yourself, "how does that person know what is best for me better than I do?" 2. It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed. And I'm not surprised. If you want to be the top in your class, you'll have to study a lot. There's no way around that. But you should drop some of those extra-curricular activities. Otherwise you'll burn out. I know what I'm talking about. I'm a professor at a good university and I have had to put in some serious study time myself during my life. Even I don't do all the extra activities you do. Seriously, drop some of them. 3. Stop feeling that everyone else is out having fun. Trust me, this is not true. 4. Stop feeling so insecure about what your peers think of you. Again, trust me--they have their own insecurities. Yes, they probably DO feel that you're obsessive. But we all criticize other people's lifestyles. For example, YOU probably have your own criticisms about their lifestyles. Be polite to them, make an effort to hang out with them, learn to ignore the criticism. I'm not going to describe your personality because you should not care what I think! I repeat: don't rely on others to make you feel like you've succeeded. Set your own goals for yourself. Once you go to college, you'll probably find people who you fit in with better. Here's the most important advice I have for you... If you decide that you want to be the best academically, you WILL have to put in insane hours. You will have to learn to ignore people who are jealous, you will have to learn to stop feeling as if everyone else is out having fun. You will need to learn to focus on your goal of being the best and put all your insecurities aside. Otherwise, you will drive yourself nuts and you'll burn out and not do well in class. Are you a workaholic? You should be if you want to be the best. What I'm saying is, it isn't a BAD thing to be obsessive in order to succeed...IF you're happy. It IS bad if you're not happy doing it. Now, let me explain that more clearly. We ALL get sick and tired of the things we love sometimes. I got very sick of studying a few times. In the same way, sometimes even the best relationships go through bad periods. So it is completely normal and expected to get sick of pursuing our goals and our partners and friends sometimes. If you are feeling sick of studying right now, that is normal and OK. But what you need to decide is whether this is just a normal "down" phase that you'll get over, or whether your goals in life have changed. I'm saying that if you no longer want to be Valedictorian or whatever, that's OK. My best friend got her PhD from CalTech (one of the best universities in the world) in engineering and she was offered great jobs. She gave it all up to own a bakery. She is perfectly happy now. Bottom line: if you are happy with your goals and with the lifestyle you will have to lead to achieve them, continue doing what you're doing... We don't have time to do everything in life. So if you want to be Valedictorian, you probably won't have time to go out to parties often like some people. You need to make a choice about what your goals are and then stick by that choice. Don't drive yourself crazy feeling that you should be out partying or whatever. If you WANT to party though, do that. Make the choice to spend less time studying. Finally, don't set the getting into Harvard as your goal. There are plenty of great schools out there. I would not send a kid to Harvard for undergrad because I don't think it is a great place for undergrads. I went to a school like Harvard for my PhD and I went to a mellower school for undergrad. The good thing about going to a mellow school for undergrad is that the professors have more time to teach and there are more opportunities for undergrads because there is less competition. Consider it. Otherwise you'll set yourself up to feel like a failure if you don't get into Harvard. And a lot of getting into Harvard is just luck. There isn't space there for all the people who are good enough to be there. Good luck.