How to improve Business English Skills?

English teachers and business owners, please have a look at my cover letter?

• It's difficult, being a student looking for a summer job pretty much anywhere, to make a cover letter seem personal enough to the business you're writing to. Anyway, I am currently applying to several places for a summer vacancy to earn some money for next year, and have written a cover letter to go with my CV. Please could any English teachers/business owners/employers have a look and tell me if there is anything I can improve to make me more employable with this letter? Where there are asterisks, I will use one or other of the sentences, depending on if it is a small business (there a lot of near me) or a branch of a larger business. Where there are dashes (----) I am leaving out a particular road or school name or something like that, so people can't track me online ;) Thank you in advance! Dear Sir/Madam, I am a university student looking for a somewhere to work for the summer holiday, and am very interested in applying at your shop for any summer vacancies you may have. I would be available to work from around mid- to late-June until late September, and would only require one week’s leave (Saturday-Saturday) in the August for a family holiday, and a possible single day in July to move into my new flat in ----. I enclose a copy of my curriculum vitae. I am very interested in working in your establishment, as I feel a loyalty to the businesses along the ---- Road in -----, having lived in ----- for my whole life and worked in (certain shop)-------- for three years. ***I loved working in a small, intimate shop, and have experience with the personal and friendly nature of working in an independent business./Having worked in a small, independent shop for a number of years, I feel like it is time to expand my experience to work in a larger community at your shop.*** In previous work experience I have encountered so many different people and personalities, and I believe I am confident enough to be able to interact happily with anyone who walks through the doors, and please every customer I meet. Being in a small, independent shop, my previous work has given me the opportunity to do a large variety of jobs, from front-of-house customer service to back-room jobs like stock taking and even housekeeping! I am self-assured but not confrontational, have excellent communication skills, and am honest, motivated and adaptable. I am also incredibly organised, use initiative and have a very strong work ethic. I hope my CV demonstrates my trustworthiness (as both the position of Head Girl at school and Vice President of ----- were positions I was voted in to by the Sixth Form/members of the society respectively) and ability to complete tasks to the highest standard. I am available in ------- for interview until Wednesday 4th April, and from Sunday 15th – Sunday 22nd April. Any other time I can be contacted by the mobile number or term time address provided in my CV. Thank you very much for taking the time to read through my letter and CV. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Yours faithfully, Let me know of anything I should/could change. Thank you all!

• Answer:

  It looks really bad when you are already demanding vacation time by the second sentence of your letter. Save that part for the face to face interview. This letter along with your resume is what gets you to the interview point. You want this to be as positive as you can make it so that you really catch the eye of the HR person. What is that crap about You believe that you are confident enough to interact with the public---You either stand behind yourself and believe in yourself or you do not. Confidence has nothing to do with it either. Don't be wishy-washy. Change to something like: I enjoy working with the public and providing the highest level of customer satisfaction to every one of my daily contacts. You hope your cv demonstrates your trustworthiness---again wishy-washy and shows lack of confidence. You are self assured but not confrontational----Wrong! NEVER say anything negative no matter how you put it. But not confrontational needs removed. You can contact me between this date and that date at this number or that number except on days that have an r in them with an uneven date------Never put this kind of thing in it. Changed to I can be reached at this number xxx-xxxx and if you leave a message I will return your call as soon as possible. No employer is going to jump through hoops to go looking for someone to work at a temp job. One number to call. Period. And above all----Use a Spell check program!!! Even one of your mis-spelled words will get your resume sent to the trash.