My mom was too much hateful towards us in childhood and resenting for providing us? I still can't forget that?

• I am now 30 year old Indian girl. I have one sister 2 year younger, and one brother 14 year younger then me. After lots of fight with my mom and constant efforts of reminding her of her behavior during childhood, she has improved, but still she can come to her old mode sometimes. I never understood what problem she had, like ever since we were 5-6 year old (me n my sis), she was expecting to help her in all household chores which elders are supposed to handle like cooking on stove, washing clothes with hand (yeah, typical indian middle class, we didn't had washing machine) sweeping cleaning floor, etc. As a mom she had right to teach us chores and disciplines, no denial in that, but she was very hateful and abusive towards us. For example, she was never satisfied with how much work we do, she expected more and more, always find fault in our work, always comparing us with other kids/adults (even with maid's or begger's children) and putting us down, bad mouthing and bitching about us to her sisters and mother. She was never interested in how we study, she don't care if we score good or bad, but according to her, in India girls are only meant for kitchen & household work & have to go to husband house and serve the inlaws by doing their chores. She called us the names which no mother ever call to their daughters no matter how mischievious they are, she called us prostitute, *****, ***** and other indian abusive words for smaller mistake. And is she ask to clean utensils, and if I do that, then she'll find fault, give extremely evil looks, beat me up and say you have washed it like your ugly face, you prostitute She would never say like "Comeon sweep the floor", never express straight what she want, but what she do is, she will start sweeping and give us evil looks, then when we ask her what happen and why she look like that, then she will grin teeth, give more evil look and start abusing us and say, don't u have shame, mother is doing work n you daughters r sitting n watching tv like queens. Now me n my sis were also small, due to her abusive behavior we too were adapting n learning same behavior n our brains didn't grew up due to such atmosphere, me n my sis always fought with each other to gain parent's favor & attention, we too abuse each other n became rebellious. She was resenting for providing us and giving us food. For eg: When I eat she constantly look at my dish if I am eating more, if she feels I m eating more, she will give me evil looks and murmur non-stop, she constantly do non-stop nagging without getting tired. My father was equally abusive n he was hitting my mom n us too n calling c-grade names to all of us..She put her siblings before us n insult us in front of them n our uncle n aunts take advantage of it n get us beaten by our mom When my brother was born, I was 14 n don't know y, in maternity home, suddenly my mom picked him up in her arms n said, this is what I ever wanted, my son, I got my son n now u i don't wanna do with u daughters. I heard this and cried in front of her n told her "mother, why are you telling such hateful words" but her face was cold as if no effect on her. But when she arrived home and again I confronted her abt what she told at maternity home, she denied she ever said like that. Even now I can't forget all this. But after father's death my mom started becoming loving towards us, but not fully, if given in her hands, she will still put her siblings first and she spoiled my brother like anything. She don't tell him anything if he beat her and us up & he live like king, he put leg on table n watch tv n my mom serve him food like maid. I m not living with mom now but I still die for her love that is expected from mother. Thanks all, yes my family is abusive incl. my sis. Mine n sis relation was like 2 employees having same boss, but they can nvr get along. My sis is even more abusive towards me thn my mom n now she has crossed limits. My maternal aunts-unlces always find opportunity to pick on me coz they knw mom vl nvr stand up 4 me. my family are kind of ppl who nvr understand by talking, talking can nvr work on them. It vl only backfires me. Only paternal uncles are good, but they bcom old, but cousins aren't close 2 me n far away. I underwent painful divorce, coz inlaws n ex were cruel 2 me, n it was my mom who pushed me into marriage coz my dad had cancer. So I felt pity on dying dad n fullfilled his wish to see me getting married, but my life spoiled. But now I am all alone, no one to talk to, no friends at all, no family. Colleagues r just cordial, sumtimes feel helpless. I still put up wid my family coz I feel having crap family is better than no family

• Answer:

  I can understand how you feel. You need to look at the situation deeper then how it is. An indian society is different from an american one. Im guessing that you live in america. However the way your mom intended to teach you girls to be "house wives" was how she was raised. She was probably mistreated all her life and was thought that woman mean nothing and they are there to serve men. She treated you that way because thats what she learned in india. If she lived in a society where men and women are equal she would of treated you just as good as she treats your brother. So just because of her customs and ethnicity, you girls had to pay the tragic price. She is probably just as traumatize are you at but she is so far deep in the hole that she does not realize it. If i was in your situation i would do anything for my mothers love and attention. No matter what you will always love her. However i suggest that you tell her how you really feel. I want to give you so much good advice on what to say to your mom but i would prefer to have a conversation with you, better. Please send me an email, im concern for your emotional well being, i want to help build a loving relationship with your mom and sister. Im sure your sister is traumatized as well. if for some reason you dont reach out to me then my advice to you is that you break the cycle, do not get an abusive husband and dont raise your children the way you were raised. Treat your boys the same as your girls. And make the boys clean up after themselves and take out the garbage.