WHAT IS NETWORK ABUSE?

Fubar! Abuse! Help! Suicide thoughts!?

• This will be long but I will greatly appreciate any help. Factors to keep in mind: 1. My parents emotionally and physically abuse me. 2. I have no privileges; they are overprotective and overstrict. 3. They think that we're still in the 80s in Europe where nothing was tolerated. 4. They take all they're anger out on me. 5. I am not neglected: I have food, a house, heat, money (average), education (private school), but I have nothing other than these material needs. No emotional support or family. I do not like my parents, and I think they have psychological disorders. 1. I'm 14 girl who has her period but isn't affected by it specifically. So lately (past 3 months) my behavior has swung dramatically. I'm not able to sleep at night. I usually just take my computer and take a bunch of online quizzes and tests about psychological disorders and personalities. I watch movies and YouTube videos. I listen to music. My computer is my way of escaping when I'm in bed at home, but I'm not on social network sites (I have a g mail but that's it). Whenever I read a story about child abuse, or psychological disorders, I break down. I go into a 10 minute, intense crying fit. My mind races through so many emotions, as if someone took all of the emotions, and crammed it into a jar (my head). I think about what I go through, and what other kids must go through, and I think they're abuse isn't as bad as mine; they don't even have food, or parents or whatnot. So then I degrade myself, for thinking my situation is bad. From here, my mind races through other thoughts like the brutality of the Holocaust, and (as a Muslim), all the times Muslims have been discriminated against and called terrorists, etc. I then go back to this psychological point of view, and almost back to my life, about how an abused child usually becomes an abuser. And I think of myself, and I feel like I'm screwed in life, because I have a low patience lever and get angered easily, and I think bad of myself. And then I think of all the orphanages I've been too and think of how ****** up their lives are, and how much worse it is then mine. This all happens in this short amount of time, so intense and incredible. But I don't sob out loud, I cry silently with tears rolling down. The emotions pulsing and rushing through my body paralyzes my legs, so I can't move, and all I think about is why should we live. Why should I live when I'm not happy, and I probably will become an abuser one day. Or why others live if they starve. I don't understand what life is worth living for. I don't have any best friends I can talk to this about. The only person I really live for is my dad (not my parent--> he doesn't abuse me, my stepfather does). When I think of something bad I did to him, like lie, when I'm in my bed, I go through another one of these crying sessions, and then have this intense fear of him dying. I vow to myself that if he dies, I will kill myself, but I know it is a sin to commit suicide. I have recently turned to pinching myself (a form of self-harm) to relieve this stress/depression/anxiety/disorder/crazi… that I have been feeling. It gives me this feeling of control, as there is nothing else I can control of my life, besides for my life itself, which sometimes I doubt. Along with this thought, I hurt myself because I suddenly forget all these emotions racing through my head. I'm not stupid enough to turn to drugs and alcohol, but I have been having suicidal thought. I don't know what to do. I don't if have some type of pyscological disorder, or a personality disorder, or if I'm just a worry wart fag. I don;t know what will happen to my life if something doesn't change.

• Answer:

  huh?