Why is the world so cruel?

Why is the world such a cruel place?

• Ever since the age of about 13 (I'm 24 now) I have been prone to melancholy and have often seemed sad and miserable despite having a lot going for me.. (good health, good education etc). I have not felt truly happy since childhood. The only times I get near it is when I drink, which I only do about once a week. Sometimes I will just cry on the bus from work because I think the world is so cruel and futile. I feel like I can't just lighten up. I did have my heart broken into pieces when I was 20 and haven't been able to feel happy since. I can;t get over the pain of the breakup. I obsess about the guy now, every day I feel pain that we broke up, but I think that I am possibly pinning all my hopes on the idea of him, as an excuse to not confront the idea that maybe I'll never be happy. I'm sure if I was magically with him again it would be awful because I have put him on a pedestal so much and I would be utterly terrified of him leaving me again. So I know that him and me can never be together- my rational brain accepts that, but my heart won't let go. I have a boyfriend I've been seeing for over 2 years and he is a really attractive and loving, caring guy. But for some reason even he doesn't make me happy, even when he has suprised me with a gift. I just feel bad and sad knowing that we'll probably break up at some point so it all seems futile. It's not just my old relationship. When I think about the cruelty that goes on in the world and the injustice that exists, such as cruel and nasty people getting breaks and good, lovely people having to suffer and getting cancer etc, I just can't handle it. I find it almost physically impossible to smile a lot of the time. Even on payday, when I am meeting a friend for a drink and it's the weekend and everything should be fine, I find it hard to even pull myself together and stop the sadness for even a short amount of time. The only thing that makes me feel sort of good (thats not a destructive thing such as drinking) is going for long walks but I know I can;t walk away from my problems, they are with me all the time. I was on antidepressants after my breakup but they were the wrong ones... prozac, which gave me panic attacks, only 3, but they were so severe that each time i went to a hospital. I dont want to be on anti depressants either. I have a job, a small flat, my parents (divorced) are still alive and people have always said I am very attractive. People (such as my mum) who I tell about how bad I feel tell me that I have "no reason to feel down" and I have "so much going for me" etc..... I'm sure a lot of people would be astounded to know the extent of my day to day chronic misery. This obviously doesn't help. What should I do? I literally don't know what to do. Suicide has crossed my mind but to be truthful I am a coward, I would never go through with it, not to mention I couldn't do it to my family. I don't want to die. I just want to be happy. Please let me know your thoughts. Thank you.

• Answer:

  I don't know how much help this will be but I'll try.. Firstly, it's a really good start that you know the roots of you feeling this way, why you're so sad. You need to find closure to your old relationship, something that'll have you let go. It could be anything that'll release your hold of him and the thought of him. If you're up for it, going to see a professional would be great idea, someone who'd be able to help you to mentally move on from the past and gain trust in the fact that people don't always leave. If you go on believing that you're going to be left by your current boyfriend or that you'll break up soon, that clearly won't turn out good and really affect your relationship. I was depressed when I was younger and it was really bad, it's something that'll make your world dark, no matter how good things are, you won't see it. It messes with you and it's up to you to find the light switch. You have to find hope in your life, it'll take you far. Instead of focusing so much on the big picture, of what cruelty is going on in the world, try zooming in your lense and start with yourself. Anyone who's so locked into the whole world as a big picture, of everyone and everything that's suffering, won't be able to live their own life as a happy and healthy person. You need to make a change and gain a new perspective of life, of how wonderful it can be. Find the little things in your daily life that you enjoy and surround yourself with them. Taking long walks has nothing to do with running away from your problems. If you enjoy walking and being outside, make time to do so, it'll feed your soul. Don't be afraid to make sacrifices for yourself. Make a change. I spent nearly a year overseas, on the other side of the globe from where I originally live, as a therapeutic getaway. It's okay to distance yourself from what you have in order to miss it and realize the worth on it. Don't give up.