Whenever I opened any of my new and old emails, the screen is blank?

Her emails on my computer

• My ex-fiancée (I broke the engagement on 6-13-02) used my computer this afternoon to check her email. When she was through, she failed to turn it off. After she left the house, I saw that she was still connected to her provider, and her email was on my screen. I opened up some emails and found that she has been, and still is, cyber-romancing another man (I suspected it). She has been trying to get back with me during the time she is corresponding with, and planning to meet with the other man. Question: I want to confront her with this information, and I want her to give me back the engagement ring since there is NOW no chance of us getting back together again. Would I be culpable in this approach? I first thought that this might be construed as a bribe, or possibly an invasion of privacy, but now I’m not sure. What do you think?

• Answer:

  Since you are asking a rather personal question, I will try to approach it in a personal way; rather than just throw Web links at you, I am going to try to discuss some of the issues in your situation, as I see them. It seems that you have some doubts about the propriety of breaking your engagement and asking your fiancee to give back the ring. I feel that you have every right to expect her to return the engagement ring, and I'll give a few reasons why that is the case. It seems to me that you face three major issues here: 1. Is cyber-romance the same as cheating? 2. If my fiancee cheats on me, am I justified in breaking our engagement? 3. If I break the engagement for this reason, do I have the right to expect her to return the ring? The first thing to consider is whether cybersex is "cheating." There is an article on this subject on the "Ask Men" Web site that is worth reading: Ask Men: Cybersex, Is It Cheating? http://www.askmen.com/love/love_tip/sextip13.html The very best quote I have seen on this subject comes from Joan Elizabeth Lloyd: "Giving any part of yourself in a loving or sexual way is always cheating, unless you have an understanding. Lying is always cheating." Joan E. Lloyd: Is Cybersex Cheating? http://www.joanelloyd.com/fbcheat.htm Your fiancee, by carrying on an email romance with another man, is betraying your trust, even if she does not meet the man in person (and the fact that she apparently planned a face-to-face meeting only makes the betrayal more distressing.) Such a serious pattern of deceitful behavior seems, to me, to be every bit as bad as an actual real-life affair, which would involve a tangled web of lies in much the same way. Of course, before you break off the relationship, you need to ask yourself whether there is any possibility of reconciliation with your fiancee. If you love her enough to have proposed marriage, you are obviously deeply committed to her. It might be very helpful for the two of you to see a relationship counselor. Many churches offer this kind of counseling, and there are also professional therapists who specialize in couples counseling. Are you justified in breaking off your engagement? Here is a blunt, but insightful comment on the subject of premarital infidelity that I found in an exchange of opinions by several members of a discussion forum: "The commitment... is not there. It will not be there just because they have a fancy party and exchange rings." Garden Web Forums: Unfaithful Before Marriage http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/marriage/msg0401062215199.html Regarding the issue of whether she should give back the ring, the traditional view has been that the person who breaks the engagement forfeits any claim to the engagement ring. There is an excellent discussion of the customs and legalities of the matter in this article by Joanna Grossman: FindLaw: Who Gets the Engagement Ring When the Wedding is Off? http://writ.news.findlaw.com/grossman/20011023.html Although it is customary for the ring to be retained by the woman in cases where the man breaks the engagement, I would say that there is an unwritten rule that applies to circumstances like yours, where the breaking of the engagement is done for well-defined reasons concerning a serious breach of trust. If a relationship is severed because of adultery (or its premarital equivalent,) the ring belongs to the betrayed person. As you can see from the FindLaw article, there is no agreement among courts of law on this issue. Neither, I think, will you find unanimity of opinion among your friends and family. This is a very painful situation with no easy remedy for either you or your fiancee. You don't know me, and I have given you no background information that would lead you to hold my opinion in high regard. But, for what it is worth, I do believe that if you are certain you wish to terminate your engagement, you have every right to repossess the engagement ring, which symbolized a state of commitment and trust that, sadly, are no longer present because of your fiancee's actions. Whatever your decision, please do not let this unfortunate experience embitter your soul. Although you have been hurt, and your relationship with your fiancee may be over, you can choose to forgive. Forgiving is not the same thing as excusing; in forgiving her, you will not be saying "What you did was OK." But you will be sending the message "I do not hate you, and I will not cause both of us further pain by holding a grudge against you." One last link. If you need to talk to someone anonymously about this, the Forgiveness Web has an excellent message board. You can remain anonymous while sharing the details of your situation, and you can benefit from the experiences of others. Forgiveness Web http://www.forgivenessweb.com/ Search strategy: "is cybersex cheating" ://www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&q=%22is+cybersex+cheating "give back" + "engagement ring" ://www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&q=%22give+back%22+%22engagement+ring Best wishes, pinkfreud