What is the proper email etiquette to reply to a person?

Etiquette

• My husband and I received an emailed invitation, from my niece, to attend my sister-in-law's 50th birthday party aboard a Lake Ontario cruise boat on August 30th. The email advised that the cost is $60 per person plus a cash bar. We are to call the cruise company ourselves to reserve our seating as well as provide our credit card number. My question: Is it appropriate to hold a birthday party in which the guests are required to pay? Most of those attending will be relatives and close friends and will feel obligated but resentful. Personally, my husband and I have held my 40th and his 60th without any obligation on the part of the invitees to cover the costs. The guests included my brother and his wife. My party was held in a hotel banquet room and included a Caribana style steel band, food, drinks and all the trimmings. Hubby's was held at a very exclusive restaurant with each of our guests able to choose their own meal and drinks. The tabs for both events were far in excess of $100 per person. I'm at a loss as to what the etiquette is here. I feel like declining but I don't want to alienate my brother or his wife. Please help. Thanks.

• Answer:

  By the standards of etiquette under which I was raised, asking guests at such a celebration to pay their own way would have been considered extremely gauche. My first thought: "My goodness, how tacky!" My second thought: "Doubly so. Such an invitation should NOT be delivered by email." My third thought: "Maybe I am an antiquated stick-in-the-mud. Some Internet research is definitely called for here." I have found several online references regarding similar situations: "How Do We Tell Guests To Pay Their Own Way? Q: My husband and I will be renewing our wedding vows for our 20th anniversary on the beach at sunset on Waikiki... We would like to go out to dinner after the renewal of our vows with our friends, but are not having a reception. Everyone will order off the menu and pay for their own dinner. The question is, how do you tell people that will be the case? I will probably hand-write invitations after we arrive on the island and set up the details. I'll need to include the dinner details in the invitation. Your help with wording would be appreciated. Thank you. MaryAnn A: ...It is hard for me to advise you on the proper etiquette for handling this issue in terms of wording the invitations since having guests pay their own way at an event such as this would not be considered socially correct in the first place. If a group of your friends were to invite you out to celebrate your anniversary, they would be expected to pay, not just for themselves, but for your portion as well. However, when you are inviting guests to celebrate your anniversary with you, typically the expectation is that you intend to host the celebration. I'm afraid that there is simply no wording suggestion I can offer for the invitations which will conform to the standards of proper etiquette or social correctness... to extend invitations to a celebration in honor of such an occasion, expecting guests to pay their own way, is not a practice which would be deemed 'socially correct'." SuperWeddings: Ask the Wedding Expert http://www.superweddings.com/theweddingexpert4.html Even the relatively recent introduction of a "cash bar" at a celebration is considered improper by some authorities on etiquette: "A 'Host Bar' refers to the scenario in which the hosts of the wedding or function will provide alcoholic beverages for their guests. This is the opposite of a 'Cash Bar', which refers to the scenario whereby guests are expected to pay for their own liquor consumption, a situation which does not adhere to proper wedding etiquette. Although having a 'Cash Bar' at a wedding is highly discouraged, today some do it nonetheless." SuperWeddings: Ask the Wedding Expert http://www.superweddings.com/theweddingexpert.html "I am planning a surprise fortieth birthday party for my spouse at one of the fine restaurants in my city and I am preparing to send invitations to thirty people. My dilemma is that we are unable to provide dinner for the guests. However, I am providing the banquet room along with a wonderful cake, of course to share. How do I tactfully inform the potential guests that they must purchase their own food and drinks? Thank you for your help! Dutch Treat Dilemma Dear Dutch, There is no tactful way to inform guests that they are expected to pay for their own food and drink at a party you are professing to host. I have a hunch that you will surprise more people than just your spouse." The Proper Thing http://www.theproperthing.com/1999/05_23_99.htm "A host is someone who offers hospitality, which includes planning, orchestrating and paying the bills. So for all those folks who throw themselves on Miss Manners's mercy, hoping to enlist her sympathy by pleading that they are planning something really special for themselves, their spouses or their parents, and expecting her to solve the detail that they can't afford to pay their guests' way -- too bad. They are going to have to settle for something they can afford. It is fine to organize a cooperative party, to which everyone contributes and no one is host, but then everyone gets to chime in about the arrangements. Thus it should not favor one person's wishes (or family ties) over another's. It would only be for someone's birthday among a group of friends in the habit of celebrating one another's birthdays, or for an anniversary as a joint family project." Washington Post: A Host of Concerns http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49025-2003Jul12.html "I want to give my husband a birthday breakfast at a banquet hall. I wanted to invite 50 to 75 people made up of family and other deacons and their wives. The breakfast costs approximately $13 per person. I can not afford to pay the total cost ($650-$975) for the breakfast but I perhaps could pay part of the cost... So, I was thinking of inviting the people to the birthday breakfast and putting the cost of the breakfast on the invitation (at full or partial cost) but also saying that a gift is not required as their presence would be the gift. Poor taste or acceptable? Some people might be offended but I think most would understand that I could not afford to pay for everyone's meal. Gentle Reader, Ah, yes, Miss Manners keeps hearing that so-called guests should be able to understand that they are not being invited to partake in hospitality, but are expected to purchase the opportunity to attend other people's personal social events. What she fails to hear is that so-called hosts might understand that if they cannot afford to entertain in a certain style, they must entertain in a style that they can afford." MSN Women: Miss Manners http://women.msn.com/firstperson/articles/manners_0717.asp To be fair, it should be noted that the verdict is not unanimous on this sort of thing. Here is an instance in which it is mentioned that guests at an anniversary party may be asked to pick up their own tab: "It is not uncommon for guests to pay for their own meals when an anniversary celebration is held in a restaurant. This allows for all those who may not be able to afford a big meal to just have a small amount or drinks only and still join in the celebration without feeling awkward. If you are attending an Anniversary celebration in a restaurant then you should ascertain whether you are expected to pay for your own meal prior to attending, typically the host should confirm this to you when you respond to the invitation." Anniversary Ideas: Wedding Anniversary Party Planning http://www.anniversaryideas.co.uk/Anniversary%20Entertainment.asp In my view, it is quite improper to expect friends and family members to fork over $120 per couple (plus the cost of celebratory beverages) in order to attend a birthday party, unless all the participants are so affluent that this would seem a trivial amount. If I were invited to attend such an event, I would decline politely, without mentioning that I find the affair to be tantamount to extortion. A reply can be sent (by -- shudder -- email) with a message such as "John and I will not be able to join you on the cruise. We wish Mary the happiest of birthdays." A lovely birthday gift, of course, would still be very much in order. After all, your sister-in-law isn't necessarily to blame for her daughter's lapse in taste. Sometimes the apple falls quite a distance away from the tree. ;-) Google search strategy: Google Web Search: "etiquette" + "guests" + "birthday" + "pay" ://www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&q=etiquette+guests+birthday+pay Google Web Seasrch: "expected to pay" + "guests" + "celebration" ://www.google.com/search?hl=en&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&q=%22expected+to+pay%22+guests+celebration I hope this information is useful. If anything is unclear, or if you have a question, please request clarification; I'll be glad to offer further assistance before you rate my answer. Best wishes, pinkfreud