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Can I trust my girlfriend?

• I have been dating my girlfriend for about a year and a half. Our relationship really couldn't be better. We get a long great, we share everything. Sex is great, we give each other plenty of room for hobbies and work. Neither of us is the jealous type; I've gone out on dinner dates with old female friends (some she knows, some her friends, some she doesn't know) and she's gone out with dates with guy friends (ditto). I don't think there has ever been any question in either of our minds that the other person is less than 100% faithful to the other. We both consider each other _so lucky_ to be with someone like this, to be in a relationship where everything is just so effortless. We've met each other's families, we are planning on getting engaged at some point, we love each others' friends, they all love us - I honestly think that we are one of those couples that other unhappy couples look on with envy. However - there has been one problem, all related to the same person. Let's call him Jeff. My gf is a language instructor. At a language camp last summer, Jeff was in my gf's class, and by all accounts had a serious crush on her. At one point at a karaoke room, she had one drink and fell asleep on this guy's shoulder (he did what I certainly would have done and had manuevered himself next to her). This isn't a problem; she can't drink that much and in fact even before we started dating I had seen her fall asleep on the shoulder of the person next to her, male or female. The problem of course is that the guy apparently took this to mean a lot more than it probably did, to the point where a week or so later there was almost a fight between Jeff and other students at the camp, who thought he was trying to get in her pants. My gf actually tells me all this, saying she felt bad about causing such a problem for him. I didn't really think much of it. Turns out that Jeff lives in the same city as we do, and they actually take the same airplane (which was overseas) back to the states. At a dinner with friends a few days after she returns, she mentions that the guy had taken it upon himself to change their seat reservations over the phone so they would be seated next to each other. Needless to say this is met with astonishment around the table that she, an instructor, didn't tell this student off. She seems quite surprised that we all thought the kid (Jeff is 21, she's 28) was stepping way out of bounds. I was of course a bit surprised, but again, didn't think much about it. Anyway - for about three weeks after she came back to the US, she was definitely different. A bit distant. I put it down to us being apart for over two months (and we had only been dating for a few months before that). She had a few faculty-related functions that she attended alone, no more or less than usual. One time that did stick in my mind even at the time, she came back with a particular smell that I have noticed sometimes after heavy physical activity, or sex. Not every time, mind you, and not only after physical activity (I've sometimes noticed it on particularly hot days - but this was in the fall). Again, I didn't think much of it. I heard that Jeff had gone back overseas to study, so I didn't give it much thought. A month or so later, however, while I was using my computer - we had just moved in together and were using the same PC - I noticed a bubble box at the bottom of the screen saying 'hey baby, you there'. It was MS Messenger, which I had never used. My gf obviously had, and hadn't logged off. I double click it. Suffice it to say that I was a bit miffed that anyone would be calling my gf ?baby?. Just the day before, she had accidentally forwarded an email to another friend of hers (and eventually got back to me) that she had sent to some guy, but she hadn?t deleted the entire mail. The email is relatively innocent, except it says ?I miss you? and is signed ?love?. One or the other, I probably could have ignored, but now I?m getting a bit concerned. So I ask her about it. This, she says, is not the guy who had caused the problems at camp, or the guy who had changed the airplane seats. It?s an older guy, who she had known for years. Hmm, well, I don?t know about ?baby? and ?love?, and say so; she says it?s a generation thing (I?m 36). Well, I don?t know about that either, but she has told me about everything else ? guys she?s having problems with hitting on her, etc. So I trust her. But some things aren?t adding up. When the subject comes up, she keeps getting the story wrong ?completely unlike her. She uses the wrong name ? twice. Again, completely unlike her. She gets his age wrong, then forgets where he?s from. I?m still ignoring it, but I?m seeing some warning signs. Then, I get a phone call. It?s from the guy?s mother. Turns out, she had gone to pick up Jeff at the airport, and had met my gf, and my gf had actually used her phone to call me to say she had arrived. One of her friends was interested in learning the language my gf teaches, realized she had my number on her phone, and was hoping she could get in touch with my gf that way. I was able to figure out that Jeff and ?hey baby/I miss you/love? dude were in fact ?one and the same person-. The mother of course had no idea that her son was in direct contact with the teacher, or no doubt she would have simply contacted him. So ? a first. I?ve caught my gf in a lie. I tell her that I love her completely and unconditionally ? except that I need honesty. She admits that she didn?t tell the truth because, she says, she was worried about making me mad. She said that the reaction when she told people about him changing the plane seats made her hesitant to tell the truth. She says he?s just a friend, and he?s just being friendly. She swears they only met a few times, always with others. To make a long story short, it took me over five months to get her to admit (because she again kept changing parts of her story) that they had met quite a bit over the three weeks after returning to the city, just the two of them. She swears that nothing happened them the two of them talking ? she says that it started out with him asking her about problems with his (now former) girlfriend. She said that he was easy to talk to and a great listener. Then, she went back to her home country (she?s not from the US) this past summer. I joined her midway through, and came back by myself because I couldn?t take that much time off work. She was in the same country where I knew Jeff was studying, but the cities were pretty far away, and I knew my gf didn?t have time to go to where he was, so I wasn?t really worried. So imagine my surprise when I get an email from a mutual friend who mentions my gf with this guy named Jeff at her house, with her mom and sisters, only three days after I left! I was floored. I had officially met the family for the first time, was introduced as her boyfriend (and her sisters know we?re all but engaged) ? and a day or two after I left she had gotten in touch with Jeff, he had come down to see her (and spent the night, it appears, because as far as I can figure out she wasn?t either at her mom?s house or dad?s house, but I can?t confirm directly) ? and never even told me. This made me upset, because I had told her how much honesty meant to me, and that she could tell me she had an affair, and I would be fine with it if she was honest about it, but hiding stuff from me would upset me. Jeff came back from his year abroad a couple of weeks ago. They?ve been calling and emailing just about every day. To her credit, she?s been telling me that they?ve talked, and they had dinner last week alone, which I was completely fine with because she told me about it beforehand. I personally think it?s a bit weird for a guy to be calling a girl who has a boyfriend every day, but I also don?t? want to treat my gf like a child. Then, we get to the part that floors me: Last night, I?m preparing to upgrade my computer and reinstall WinXP, etc, so I?m going through my computer with a finetooth comb to figure out if there?s anything I should be backing up. And I find a massive MS Messenger file that has almost a year?s worth of conversation between my gf and Jeff. A couple of things pop out at me. 1) I am almost never mentioned. He never asks about me. She never mentions me. A concert we went to together? She went to it. I got her violin lessons for her birthday? She?s taking violin lessons, loves it ? no mention who got her the lessons or the violin. She had dinner last night at a nice Italian place. No mention of who she went with. Other things ? she says ?she thinks about him all the time, and misses him. She?s depressed that she can?t see him. Hmmm. She tells him that I found out about them meeting at her parent?s place. And it?s about the only time my name comes up: she says that she feels bad, because she didn?t want to make me upset, and she?s sorry for making trouble for him (he was in the middle of exams or something). She says that maybe I don?t trust her, and she can?t spend the rest of her life with someone who can?t trust her, and she knows I feel the same way. I don?t tell her I?ve come across all this. Part of me thinks it?s a private conversation. There?s no obvious smoking gun, except it?s clear that he?s more than ?just a friend?, and they?ve done a whole lot more talking than just ?every once in a while?. He obviously still has the major hots for her, and she admits that she likes him ? but the context is a bit unclear. She says that she hopes he cooks for her sometimes, and she says the way he talks is ?sexy?. Is she just being silly? Is it just an offhand comment? It seems a bit out of character for her to sound like she?s flirting with someone like that ? but maybe I?m just being oversensitive? When we?re together, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that she loves me. And I have no doubt that she knows I worship the ground she walks on. Jeff has been the only cause of trouble for us. I would swear on a stack of bibles that Jeff is the only thing in our relationship that she hasn?t been completely honest about. But now, when she goes out, I find myself wondering ? is she with Jeff? He recently called her to tell her he had an apartment ? not too far from where she works, even though he?s going to school quite a ways away ? and he?ll be living alone. She?s been telling me about his phone calls, and that they will be meeting ? but the messenger conversations suggest the relationship isn?t quite as platonic as she makes it out to be. And I still have my doubts as to why a guy would be putting this much effort into talking to and meeting with a girl with a very steady boyfriend if he wasn?t getting something out of the relationship ? and no, I don?t trust any 22 year old boy enough to think he?s only in it for the good conversation. She?s said that she wants me to meet Jeff, and that we?d be able to be friends ? but she?s never really made it work. They always, by sheer coincidence, seem to meet when I already have plans. Do I let her keep meeting him as long as she?s honest with me about meeting him? Should I be worried? If not, how do I stop myself from thinking about it? Do I tell her that she can?t be his friend and my boyfriend at the same time? Can I honestly, in good faith, tell her who she can and can?t be friends with? I?d hate for her to do that to me ? but then I?ve only been nothing but completely honest with her. It?s driving me crazy, and I?ve never been the jealous type; I honestly don?t know what to do. I can't imagine why I should be jealous when she's been introducing me to her family members and friends, and when we've been talking about where we'd like to get married or go on our honeymoon...but I feel like I can't get over the fact that she's been dishonest with me.

• Answer:

  Dear dragonash2005-ga; What you are clearly asking for is our OPINION since there?s no real answer to your dilemma. I?ll be glad to offer you mine: Let?s review: She did something she knew was deceptive and against your will. She then misled you and was deceptive about it once you caught on. She flat-out lied about her actions and tried to make out as if it were you who was in the wrong and had a lack of understanding (a generational thing that you aren?t able to comprehend). She says Jeff is ?easy to talk to? and that he?s ?a great listener? ? major red flag You made your value of honesty perfectly clear and yet she intentionally betrayed that in spite of your openness of how much it meant to your relationship. I find your statement here perplexing: ?I personally think it?s a bit weird for a guy to be calling a girl who has a boyfriend every day, but I also don?t? want to treat my gf like a child.? I don?t. Your ?girlfriend? is acting childish but you don?t want to treat her like a child. She has given you every reason to question her integrity yet you insist on being more permissive. You wonder how a guy (which she admittedly feels so comfortable being with and confiding in) would call on a girl who has a ?boyfriend?. Dude, in my opinion, HE is her boyfriend too. Is it really that unclear? My guess is that YOU are probably NOT her ?boyfriend? in HIS mind, but YOU are merely an obstacle (she never mentions you and he never asks about you) . It would seem, on it?s face at least, that she may feel the same way (why would she be honest about this too when she found it so easy to lie about everything else). The fact remains that she encourage, or at least welcomes, his advances which she KNOWS FOR A FACT are totally against your will and undisputedly outside the parameters of trust that the two of you have agreed upon for your relationship (in view of her previous lies about Jeff). ?she says ?she thinks about him all the time, and misses him. She?s depressed that she can?t see him.? I?m not trying to belittle you or suggestion that you are less than intelligent because I know how love clouds the mind. But, c?mon big fella; you need to wake up because as hard as this is to swallow, in my opinion you?re being had. ?She says that maybe I don?t trust her, and she can?t spend the rest of her life with someone who can?t trust her, and she knows I feel the same way.? She KNOWS you don?t trust her and she KNOWS you don?t want to be with someone you can?t trust. It kinda makes one wonder if she?s not trying to help you dump her by continuing to give you reason after reason to not trust her, doesn?t it? See what I mean? I don?t think she ?feels bad? because she doesn?t ?want to make you upset?, she feels bad because she KNOWS it makes you upset and she KNOWS that isn?t right ? but she still does it, doesn?t she? I find it odd that you think it ?might? be ok that she doesn?t tel you all these little details about her relationship with this guy but that she obviously tells him all the little details of her relationship with YOU (if you?re not aware, intimate talk is what ?easy to talk to? and ?a good listener? often represent). You?re not seeing the two of them discuss YOU because he probably already knows more than he cares to know already. >>>Do I let her keep meeting him as long as she?s honest with me about meeting him? You may not have a choice anymore. >>>Should I be worried? You bet. >>>Do I tell her that she can?t be his friend and my boyfriend at the same time? Yes, you can, but you risk losing her if you do. >>>Can I honestly, in good faith, tell her who she can and can?t be friends with? You know what ? you can (sort of). In a mature relationship everyone knows what the rules are. You should be able to tell a girlfriend if she?s crossed the line of what is comfortable to you, and if she is mature enough she will appreciate how much it means to you. >>>I honestly don?t know what to do. I can't imagine why I should be jealous when she's been introducing me to her family members and friends, and when we've been talking about where we'd like to get married or go on our honeymoon...but I feel like I can't get over the fact that she's been dishonest with me. Look, she says she likes the guy, she?s attracted to him, she enjoys being with him and he ?talks sexy? to her. She talks privately and inappropriately with him in a way that she should obviously understand is not acceptable given her relationship with you. Then, to make matters worse, she lies about it (more than once) and accuses YOU of being the one who doesn?t understand. You have a serious communication and maturity problem in your relationship ? and YOU are not merely an innocent party here (you are enabling this to some extent). You need to do what you know you need to do ? gently confront her, intelligently set some limits, come to a complete mutual understanding of what is expected of both of you and define the repercussions in the event that one, or both of you, crosses that line. From what I gather your girlfriend is very immature. There?s no guarantee that she?s being anymore honest with her friends and family than she is with you. The fact that you are being introduced around means very little because, when it boils down to it, you already know for a fact that she?s CAPABLE of lying, so who?s to say she isn?t lying to them too? You follow me? My OPINION is that this young lady is not sure what she wants. She doesn?t want to hurt ANYONE and yet she?s afraid to commit to anything either. I get the impression that she?s wanting to be young and carefree with her intimate male friend ? something that makes her feel exciting, and youthful and comfortable; but she?s on the cusp being committed and ?spoken for? with you ? which makes her feel unsure and anxious. It almost seems as if she?s sabotaging her otherwise stable relationship with you in order to carry on in this ?friendship? with Jeff (note here that her relationship with Jeff is unaffected by YOU but her relationship with YOU is seriously affected by Jeff ? do you see any obvious red flags there?). Sit down with her. Table it all and see how it adds up. Tell her you?d rather her be honest and let you go that string you along. Yes, some women have friendships with the opposite sex, but this is clearly not one of those platonic cases. Brace yourself man, cause this is going to burn?..She LOVES Jeff (as a friend, as a lover, whatever, - who knows? The fact is, she probably LOVES him ? or really, really LIKES the heck out of him; however you want to look at it). Sure, she probably loves you too but this is a classic case of having cake and eating it too. I?m not a counselor but I?m a lot older than both of you and I?ve got quite a bit of life experience under my belt. I?m sorry to say that until you guys set the rules and mutually abide by them, NO, in my opinion, you will not be able to trust her as much as she currently enjoys being able to trust you. Furthermore, I think you are being taken advantage of, perhaps even at your own undoing. I don?t think a person on earth who knows what they?re talking about would disagree with these observations for one second. I hope you find that my answer exceeds your expectations. If you have any questions about my research please post a clarification request prior to rating the answer. Otherwise I welcome your rating and your final comments and I look forward to working with you again in the near future. Thank you for bringing your question to us. Best regards; Tutuzdad-ga ? Google Answers Researcher