If one didn't learn healthy attachment (or to love) in their childhood, is it possible to learn it in adulthood? How?

Through most of my childhood I lived with my grandparents because my parents couldn't take care of me (and didn't seem to care much about each other). I kept believing it was my fault. Maybe those are the reasons or there were some others or I was naturally "defective" in that way, but I never got nearly as attached to parents or grandparents as it seems children usually do. For example, whenever I was travelling calling them that I arrived safely and especially regularly calling them while I am away wasn't a need to me, didn't come naturally, I had to make myself. And my reaction to thoughts of them dying was like "oh, well, all old people have to die". However, I did get strongly emotionally attached to one person as pre-teen, then once again in teenage years. Both times it ended bitterly for me (and I mistakenly believed it also hurt them), so I suppose it hindered me even more. I swore never to allow it again. And then, in my early 20s, someone tries to provoke attachment, even bluntly asks for my trust, I want to slap him - I don't do it, but I keep telling him not to do that (talk personally or nicely to me), throwing cold words, he keeps showing gentle, non-threatening love (never tried to touch me...), finally I realize that he's done no wrong and that it's absurd that I can be so happy and I kept trying to stay miserable, I let myself care about him and am happy, he finds himself in danger but keeps caring about me, keeps every promise in spite of emerged difficulties, I realize life is too short and fragile not to love and I let myself care about him more than I ever thought I could care about anyone... So I suppose it's possible at least in some cases if "the other side" puts in amazing effort and patience (the described events happened over the course of a year). This is all so new to me, but now I also start to understand my parents' care (they do care, in their ways) and attachments between other people.

I feel the root of this issue lies in the ability to trust and develop intimate relationships with other people. Ideally the home is a stable place filled with love and mostly positive emotions, but sadly nowadays it seems this becomes more difficult a standard to establish. The "modern family" by todays standards is highly dysfunctional, I personally relate to this due to the fact I was taken away from my biological parents before my first birthday; I was raised as a foster child who was not adopted until around six years old. Growing up around other foster children and adoptive siblings developed me into the type of person who was hyperaware of other people and places even when there was no perceived threat; I always had some type of concern in the back of my mind like rejection or abandonment. This type of attitude has made me extremely independent, but doubtful of others intentions.  I don't feel that this is a negative independence; but I seldom wait around for the approval of others; I basically come and go as I please (I don't always attend family functions for my own reasons). It's not that I dislike any of them, its just that I don't feel a mandated attachment.  Maybe this is hardwired into my brain and it shapes my personality, I can only speculate about that. My behavior can be described as avoidant, but I don't want to invest in people or places that don't concern me, it definitely helps give me a sense of control to walk away when something bothers me, control was something that was taken away from me at an early age. Sometimes I think about it logically, no matter how close people are (even those who were raised in close knit families) no  one will ever truly understand the core of why someone is the way they are, I don't even think a brain scan or neuroscientist can be 100% accurate, it's nice to narrow down reasons and share experiences with others to help determine the root, but I feel there are so many variables to consider, some of which may even be subliminal. I am curious about what you mentioned about certain parts of the brain can that shape this development. When I was a baby there were tests on me, some of which had sad results. One in particular diagnosed me as a "failure to thrive".  I was told about this as a young child, I was always reminded by my adoptive family about the negative aspects of my biological family and that these same issues are very likely to continue in my life. I became extremely disheartened and deeply resentful of my adoptive parents for this. If I was misbehaving or doing something that bothered my adoptive parents, again it would be thrown in my face that I was the spiting image of my biological parents. I feel this style of childhood management was very inappropriate and yes I was very insecure because most of the attention I was given was negative. What helped me not become an angry or hateful person was focusing on school and spending time with friends and extended family. I became successful due to my good grades, went on to college to become a teacher. I have plenty of supportive friends, a job I love, and a happy marriage. I understand that you have to give to get love back. Yes, there are wounds that have since healed from my less than satisfying childhood but I can't live in the past.

Now that should be answered by a psychologist and I believe cannot be treated like a influenza with one kind of medicament, but has to be studied individually. Love negation and no feelings at all are usually a defense reaction from our brain and/or body. It could start again with confying in somebody.  And then there are people who are more or less independent and some people just don't need anybody. I guess you could discuss about this a whole life long.

over all anyone can learn anything . its a matter of wanting to . So lets take your example of not knowing healthy attachment . the learning process really depends on if this was a traumatic experience or just someone who was never around to show a good example of healthy attachment. If its traumatic then you need to start with triggers and the core problem . if not traumatic then being or finding a good role model . i feel like people know how to love naturally and once they see something worth the time they will give it . I dont really see " unhealthy attachment "  as  the right title for this "problem" but more in the direction of not getting enough attention or love by someone who should have given it.

It would be difficult for the concerned person, but not impossible. We grow emotionally a lot during our childhood when we come in contact with various human relationships and understand the complexity of trusting others and letting others trust us. Now as a child, if the person didn't go through that phase or went through an emotional trauma, it would obviously affect all his future relationships. Thoughts like, 'people are not dependable', 'I can't trust anyone but myself' or 'I'm OK all alone' will occur and would be natural. The only thing that can be done is to be a bit more open about people and understand the fact that not everyone is alike. Given a chance, people will break your trust but that shouldn't stop you from persisting to find those who will stand by you, no matter what. Don't trust blindly but don't withdraw when someone is trying to form an emotional bond with you. All of us are scared of being hurt but you'll never really get something great until and unless you take a great risk. In this case, because the concerned person has gone through a painful experience repeatedly, it becomes important for the other person (involved in the relationship) to be equally persistent and supportive in order to win the trust.

I don't think healthy attachment comes from learning. It grows in a favorable environment which requires "proper" behavior from parents - or the caregivers - to foster trust and love. One still grows attached to somebody outside of one's immediate family but again it's not a learning process. More likely, it's a happy opportunity, or serendipity. Whether one can take advantage of that opportunity is complicated because it's a two-way process, and depends on how badly damaged one has become due to the events of the past. Even antisocial individuals are known to have quite "healthy" attachment to their idols or children. It does appear that healthy attachment has to be unconditional.

Thanks for the A2A. I have my own life's example to share. Being a son of a police officer, I always missed my dad at times when he was needed the most like my birthdays or my parents' anniversaries. This made me think that he doesn't care about me or even my mom. It was not until recently when I got a job, working hard day & night & faced the similar kind of situations of missing my family when they needed me the most, that I realized and convinced myself what Dad has done was not intentional. He toiled hard, had sacrificed his health & sleep only to serve our people. After this enlightenment of mine, I love my dad & even my respect for him went to phenomenal heights. I would say, In my humble opinion, People start to understand true relationships only in their Adulthood.

@http://waltherpragerandphilosophy1.blogspot.ro/2013/01/imitating-feelings.html

Yes. My mom had a mother with a syndrome where she did everything possible to push their family apart. She disowned my mom at age 15. My mom's dad died when he was 69, so my mom had no family other than this beast. Despite all that, she now lives with a loving husband and has a daughter (me) and a son. She loves both of us and my dad with all her heart.