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How to convince parents?

How do I convince my parents to accept my intercaste love marriage with my girlfriend, whose parents are divorced?

  • My parents are from village, now settled in a metro city. They have worked hard and earned good money for themselves and me. My girl friend is from a smaller town. Her parents were love married and are divorced now. We both are dating each other from past one year and love each other very much. We both are financially well paid and are not dependent on our parents. We both are from same caste but from different sub castes. We both want to get married. So we thought of making it look like an arranged marriage. I spoke to my brother about this. He was furious and angry and said to me that he doesn't like this and would never support me.  With this initial hiccup, I later told to my mom about this. She was so tensed and angry and later agreed to see the bio data of my girlfriend. I some how convinced that I spoke to her and friend and got her bio data and sent mine to their family. Their family are okay with my profile and ready to accept.But my parents later have created a big scene about this. They have clearly said no to following reasons 1. Girl is black (She is brown. This should not matter, as they are speaking badly and are being racist.) 2. She is short. 3. Her nose is blunt. (WTF, how does this matter to me.) 4. Her mom is from higher caste married to her father from another caste. Her brother-in-law is from different subcaste. She has a very bad family lineage. 5. Her father is old and may die soon. 6. I am bringing bad name to family by being stubborn to marry her only. 7. Why should a girl from some other caste enjoy our wealth. 8. Who will look after her when she gets pregnant. She has no mother too. 9. She is a working woman and has lived many years of her life in PG. So who knows how her character is. (What bullshit is this. This is totally insane bad thoughts of my parents.) I am so pissed off with this and have clearly told mom n dad that i want to marry her only or else would never marry. My parents are acting so weird that they have started playing all kinds of games with me. First they told all of my relatives and destroyed my name in front of them. Then all of them called me and blasted that I was bringing bad name to family. Later they got my childhood friends to home and told all the story and destroyed my reputation in front of them. My parents threatened me that they wont give a pie in their property. My dad has left our house and started living in my aunt's house and has told me that he wont return until I agree to leave thought of marrying her and marry some one else. They are asking me if I have done something wrong to her(physical relationship). Have I got trapped by their family's pressure to marry her. My brother secretly read my messages with my girlfriend, spoke to all my good friends about this which was not at all necessary. He tries to be silent creating an impression that he is neutral, but he does all these tricks. I got to know all of this. My girlfriend wants me to convince my parents and marry her.Her parents married against their family's will and later separated when she was young. She was a child of such marriage and has gone through hell. She doesn't wish to go through that life again. She has told me that she will wait for my marriage. But only concern is her aged father's deteriorating health. She has asked me to marry at any cost if her father falls very sick. What do I do guys? No matter what scene they create they are my parents. I love them so much. I need all of these 1. My parents. (They have given me life and have sacrificed everything for me). 2. My girlfriend (She loves me so much and is rejecting many good proposals coming to her for me.) Things are turning difficult as my girl friend has put a deadline for me to decide quickly. She is worried about her father and wouldn't want to hurt him. In the meantime i spoke to all of my relatives in village on the force of my parents. Except for few of my aunt's nobody wants to support me. Everybody is forcing me to leave her. I don't want to lose my girlfriend. I love her a lot, and I want to marry her.

  • Answer:

    I really want to ignore this question, but it's rather difficult to turn my head the other way after reading it. Since you A2A'ed, here is my opinion. Please do the girl a favor and don't marry her. Even if you convince your family, you will be asked to make a choice between your family and your girlfriend in the future on every little thing. You'll have to take the burden of choosing between mother or wife very occasionally, and from what I can tell, you won't be able to turn down mumma even if she's wrong. Girl is black, short, caste? I feel outraged at even reading the description. Let's get one thing clear here, shall we? Anyone who degrades a girl for her looks, does not deserve her in the first place. I'm sure you're supportive and all, but for once keep yourself in that girls place, and see, what would it be to come in to a family full of criticism? I am sorry for being cynical about this, but I cannot stand by or give pretentious support of 'everything's-gonna-be-all-right'. If it does, let me know, hopefully I can restore my faith in the impossibles.

Neha Kariyaniya at Quora Visit the source

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First lie to them that you are gay ! ;) This is a solution to any heterosexual relationship I would say. As soon as you tell them that you are into men, they will be more than happy to get you married to any GIRL in the world!

Kapil Rananaware

Why can't they see you happy? They're being selfish. If they really love you. They will let you be with the girl of your choice. No pressure no conditions. After all it's your life. You know what type of life partner you need. IMO. give some time to yourself too. Have faith. And don't worry about her father. If she is going to be your wife; she will be. All you need to do is. Don't make any decision hastily. Everything will be in your favour. Patience is the key here. Keep your mind calm.... Thanks for a2a. Good luck.:)

Anuradha Sharma

Thanks for an A2A !! Going through your whole situation ,lets think on each aspect one by one being practical : 1)You said the girl you are going to marry is not fair ,in this context i would only like to ask you a question -"Have u seen any of the women in 30+ or 40+ age group for whom you went mad,didn't slept day and night or something such kinds of emotions crept into your mind".Trust me,5-7 years down the lane,that won't have any effect. 2)Average height of girls in India is around 5'0" so if she's 5'1" i think its ok.There is a huge gap of 6 inches between both of you but you shouldn't really think about this thing.Let me tell you even in arranged marriages i have seen a groom very much taller than bride ,so at least you can forget this thing easily for the time being. 3)You must yourself must have seen quite often that even after arrange marriages (in which the parents say that they have selected the best of the lot) these parents only pass filthy comments over their daughter-in-laws whenever they have to win a battle against her (You know India is the only country where this Saas-Bahu relationship is very famous and you also know why its famous.). So,regarding these kind of things i would have only one thing to say,"If you both are happy with each other,everything else will not matter much,because let me tell you, in real-life (i.e after marriage) you will rarely get enough time to have those fun you used to have before your marriage.The only thing you both have to deal with ,will now be only SITUATIONS". 4) If your parents are stubborn over her caste/sub-caste ,this part should have to be dealt with great care and softness rather than being rigid to your views.Tell your parents softly citing examples from your real life like you can get a recall of a tough time in your life when one of your parent's friend (not of your caste) would have helped your family. Also,tell them that from morning to night we are always surrounded by people from different caste ,still it doesn't effect our life in any way.You can also give example of few of your ill-mannered family members who are from your caste only and are of no use to anybody until they are alive.The whole idea is to convince them that there is no upper or a lower caste in society ,there are only good people or the bad ones,and the girl you like and their family members of course comes from the former clan. 5)Regarding his father's health i would only say,let the situation continues ,and keep trying in persuading your parents for the marriage because if you will do marriage in a hurry ,it would again feel to your parents that you are wrong and they may even break relationship with you .The worst thing will be that the person for whom you got married in a hurry will not be there for you and the one who will be there will not talk to you.This would be even more painful.So,in this case explain your motives clearly to your girl so that it may not result in any future disputes. 6)If your parents think you are bringing a bad name to family ,tell them to organise your marriage ceremony better than they must have thought .It will involve huge money but at least will save your ass a lot.Why ? Because people never say anything to those people who according to them are enjoying the moments of life.People laugh only at those situations when they will see you crying.They intact will feel jealous of this.That would also encourage other young people in such situations around you. 7)Tell your parents about one of her aunties (or if she doesn't have one create an imaginary aunty in front of your parents for the time being,remember it is said ,"everything is fair in love and war",you are just creating an aunty,so relax,you can easily go with this lie. ) 8.If she has been living in a PG its just because in a new town one can not afford a personal flat soon after entering into job,everybody does that and there are thousands of other girls like her. Regarding your brother i doubt he is really your brother.His actions reflect what a third class attitude he has,neglect his actions.Regarding your parents i would only say keep trying ,you will succeed because no parents are really too much rigid they just doesn't want to bear the sudden and unnecessary burden (this is what they think) .Actually they are not able to face this situation ,help them face it ,you will surely succeed. The only thing which i strongly think may go against both of you is that you both have not spent much of time together ,so you may not be sure how the other will behave in future in some random situations of life.Spend time together know each other well ,make sure that you are really loving each other or it is just an infatuation which is driving both of you. All the best !!

Ujjawal Sharma

HI, Thanks for A2A but I am going to answer as anonymous. Here are certain things I want you to consider first: 1. Its only been ONE year that you guys are dating. Its a very short period to know the other person & moreover understand each other. Its still the honeymoon period & so you should go slow. 2. After marriage do you plan to continue staying with your parents or do you wish to stay separately with your wife. 3. Is your girlfriend & marrying her more important to you or your share in father's property & your reputation in your family? Once, you have answers to above questions, you may see things more clearly. First of all understand its been just a year! Its a very short period to conclude that you wish to marry each other. You should give it some more time. Continue dating for another year. Try to understand your compatibility levels & if your values about life match each others. Many a times we are so blind in love that we think emotionally & not practically. Please do not take me wrong but this is one side I want you to evaluate. This will also give enough time for your parents to settle & may be after a year they shall finally accept her. Secondly the grounds on which your parents are rejecting the girl are insane! It is your duty to explain them & try to convince them that the girl has a good heart & good character & even if her parents divorced, its not necessary the two of you also will. You have to give examples bu identifying people & families with happy love marriages or broken arrange marriages around you. Lastly, if you are sure you want to marry her & only her, don't care about your parents or relatives and just do it! DO NOT convince. It never helps. Since both of you are earning well, stay separately & enjoy life. Your parents may both accept you over a period of time ( however do not keep hopes) and all will be fine. I hope this helps. In a nutshell, give the relationship some more time.

Anonymous

Hey there! You’ve already got many replies and I quite agree with most of the ‘practical approach’ towards life that all have mostly written about! One query – have you ever fallen in love before? Like you are 28…so this love tingles begin by the time you are 18..or even earlier. So is this the very first girl who has given you your rapid heartbeats? Or you have felt like this earlier as well…and maybe it never worked out…for whatever reason. Why this query? Oh! Well – if your reply is ‘YES, this is the first time’ – then you should do everything on Planet Earth to get married to her. Love is a damn rare commodity (yea..pardon my usage of such a term to describe ‘oh! such a lovely feeling’ – but our world sells love…so the term!). Your parents know you well….know you much better than anyone of us here in Quora (we don’t even know your name)- it may be possible that they have seen you making mistakes and repeating them too…or you may be having a tendency to attract trouble towards yourself! So they are concerned about your choice this time. After marriage, couple of months down the line when you have the usual hubby-wifey tiffs – invariably things like ‘broken family’, ‘I sacrificed’, ‘I left my parents for you’ will come in. When a child will be born to you (oh! Please get an Aayah for her to take care of child-birth nitty-gritty etc.)-your parents and relatives will somehow accept you and your family and then will begin poisoning your little bundle of love……belittle your wife……you….such things will continue for life. Are you mentally prepared for all this? From what I read, I do not think you can convince them...your father leaving his wife and others ..home comfort (temporarily) just because of this incident shows they are way too staunch! And so your query ‘How do I convince my parents….?’- Boss, you cannot convince them. You can just decide to marry her…and hopefully live happily ever after (which her parents thought they would too…but eventually it did not happen!)

Aparna Gangopadhyay

Your objective is to keep your parents happy and still marry your girlfriend. Thats a good objective considering the family network support system in India. You need strength of character to accomplish that. Points to consider: 1. Marriage is tough. What if you have a nasty fight with your GF after marriage. Your family already hates her. Instead of trying to help patch up the differences, which most families in India do, they would do the opposite. It would be difficult on your GF as she doesn't have support system, with no mother and ailing father. You need to have strength of character to never use this fact to have power in the relationship. 2. Parents eventually want happiness for their kids. You need to demonstrate that you would not be happy if you can't marry your GF. Again strength of character to fight for her. That she is beautiful even if she is dark; that she is tall enough for you;  and so on. 3. In India, you have duties towards your parents, such as taking care of them when they are ailing. You need to convey to your parents that your GF will support you in that. In the meantime, you need to support your GF's father. 4. You need allies in this battle. Win over your relatives one by one. Start with your mother. Understand her real worries, not the fake worries such as complexion or height. Address those. 5. Your family needs to love your GF before you marry. Get them together somehow in a positive setting. Let her address your family's worries.

Anonymous

Go ahead and marry the girl if she loves you unconditionally. For Rest all brace up and face the consequences and fight boldly together. Every great thing that is meant to give great place in our life and make it worthwhile comes through its hardships, testing times and pain, in the heat of moment its take courage and faith to move forward. If you love her with all your heart then have faith, think positive and move forward. More over how sure can you be the girl your parents choose wont cause the same damages as you fear? Have we all not listened to how wives are responsible for a lovely family to break and all other tragic stories. Listen this is life, take chances, risk it, whatever stick to what you love and get it the way u want it. You say you both earn well than why do you need property from your parents? Be a self made man Be brave thats the most important thing, explain to your parents, be hell bent on getting things done wer they support you both and also your family...all those who ranted negative stories here...there are far more successful stories too if you want to see "2 States movie is a real story" All I wish is that you dont look back one day and say it was all in my hands

Ht Srinivas

If you want to marry her, marry her. Your parents might or might not eventually come to term with it. But if you are persistent, you will some day finally convince them. You marriage might not excatly have the married life you imagined. But If you love her, the problems are worth it.

Kanishk Chandra

Thanks for the a2a, however I'm not an Indian, so I know nothing about Indian marriage or intercaste marriage. What I will do if I were in your position is that I will move out, rent an apartment and start living with her. I'm not going to marry her yet, because as you mentioned, you want your family to approve your marriage. Hopefully I will have a happy life with her, and my family could see that she bring so much joy to my life, and let her be my life partner.

Henry Gandawijaya

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