how to get the value when date field is changed?

How do I handle a work environment situation where I have a boss who I used to date?

• My relation with him is affecting my current professional environment. I passed out of engineering college and was really contented with the two offers I had at hand. I was filled with hope, that my career can go in one of the these ways for sure: 1) Either I can take up any one of the offers I had in hardware/IT company(though my branch being ECE makes me totally unfamiliar with programming), OR, 2) I can start my own small scale business (nothing fancy, just some small toys manufacturing unit and a web of street vendors) in collaboration with my friends which I had planned for almost a year and made a few contacts in that regard. When I thought I had everything figured out, that's when two things hit me- 1) the demise of my best friend's father who was one of the key partners in my business, and, 2) the failure of another partner in the university exams. The unexpected loss in my father's business also made my plan next to impossible. That's when the strong arms of the defense forces shined a light upon my dull and sorry life. I got a call from SSB (the form of which I had filled a long ago, but did not completely remember). So I went, and attended the interview process. That's when I realized that joining the forces had been my passion since i was a kid in an ill Fitting NCC uniform, marching in the sun, yelling left-right-left! So I set out in a journey to make it through my SSB interviews and forgot about plan1 completely. After 2 successful attempts and clearing out all the rounds, I was rejected and was never put in the All-India-Merit-List. Despite being in the top 15, I could not make it, since there seemed very less vacancies for woman (and probably I didn't perform well enough to be in the top 3). Anyways, I had already refused the companies I was selected in. I stayed there for the next 9 months after passing out my college, and screwed up (excuse my expression) all the exciting offers I could have had as a freshly passed out graduate. My family was running out of money, and as the eldest child, I had the obvious responsibility of bringing things right on track. So, then I put my dreams on hold, and went out to pursue a job.I would always remind myself that it was just a job, and not my dream profession. So, then I sent out my resume through all my seniors-in-contact (I always had a lot of senior friends). Different people suggested me things like naukri, shine, and e-litmus kind of things. I made profiles and kept trying those. But then, I was way too depressed with my second rejection, where, I cleared all the rounds, but still could not make it to the list in which men, who have secured much worse scores and ranks, were accepted. Maybe, it was the first time I ever despised being a female. So I had a few callbacks from few of my seniors. I applied and forwarded my resume while a few interview processes were already running in parallel. There was this one senior in particular whom I always admired for his smartness (even though I never knew him personally). He agreed to help me out, and told me that he was well accomplished in his field, and that I didn't have to worry about anything and should simply apply for his company. I had this moment of complete joy, that after some of my dark-days, I finally found a mentor, who can get me out, and help me out with my professional life. Even though I am a fast learner, I needed help, because I was utterly unfamiliar to programming and IT stuff. So I cleared the rounds of interviews and was given a choice to choose between two teams. I consulted my senior and he told me to take a leap of faith and join his team. I took the leap, moved to a new city, and started my new life. I didn't receive any formal training since it was a small company with a small team. I always felt like a misfit to the core programming kind of role since I did not possess the required skills(at least not yet). I used to hang out with my senior a lot, since he was the only person I knew in the city. We developed a personal relationship along with a professional one. Soon, my senior expressed romantic feelings towards me. I refused to acknowledge, but his behavior drastically changed, both in the workplace, as well as outside. After a little perseverance from his side, I finally agreed to date him, since, even I liked him for being really smart. I was totally lost in that bubble of romantic captivity for almost 7 months. And only after that, I realized that, I haven't seen any professional development in me(or my career) during this whole-lot-of-time, and that our "so-called-relation" has made him forget all the mentoring and teaching he had to do to me. The only thing that remained for and with me,was the typical romantic relationship with him. After I joined, I had seen the senior guy become the team leader, and saw him mentor other guys in my small team(me being the only female member) both in technical aspects, and in other soft skill as well. But all the left over time that he got, was spent on me, to sneak a little hug or kiss when he felt bored. This all made me feel really bad, since we didn't have a good relationship or any feeling of it as such. We didn't have the same definition or expectations out of the relationship. I talked to his friends who knew him before me, and they told me, that he had a crush on me since the college days, and, that was why he called me to join his company, and that I had mistaken this to be his gesture of mentoring me out. I couldn't feel worse. It seemed that, I was a girl, whom one can call to a city, just because he is powerful and has a crush on me. I felt that I had no talents at all and had wasted all my days feeling low and insignificant. On top of all, the relationship was really getting worse day-by-day, where his only needs were never companionship, but something else, and that something else was something I never wanted to do, at least not with that person who constantly makes me feel like an object of no value. I went to him and talked to him about how I felt. But that didn't seem to change anything. So i decided to talk fiercely this time. But then, that made him finally end our "so-called-relationship". Since then, there has been a lot of mocking while he crosses by, and a lot of opportunities have been denied to me at the workplace. I feel utterly discouraged and disappointed, and want to simply quit the job, and move out of this mess. But when I look back my past year, I feel discriminated, and also feel that this situation wouldn't have arisen if i were a guy(my second moment of despise for being a female). Now, since I have wasted a year of my life being naive and fooled by almost everyone including myself, where my own thoughts led me to think that a senior guy could mentor me (no strings attached), I still need to bring my career to the right track. Though I can switch jobs, but it seems unlikely, since the power is in his hands. I believe he is a really nice guy, but then, the situation can play with anyone's psyche.

• Answer:

  It's going to take some courage and pluck to get out of this jam. Your ability to land an interview, as a woman, with the SSB tells me you're plucky.  Your sense of powerlessness in the final lines of your comment suggest that your courage has been a bit drained by these events.  Courage comes from loving - first ourselves and then the world. "...since I have wasted a year of my life being naive and fooled by almost everyone including myself..." Let's start here.  I suggest that you switch up the words a bit.  Maybe this: "I spent a year learning how to be wise about relationships at work.  I studied how to tell when someone was manipulating me. I discovered that love is not the same as sex and that someone wanting me is not the same as me wanting them.  As a result of this year of hard learned experience I have changed.  I am tougher than I was before and I won't make these same mistakes again." Feel free to play with these words until they feel exactly right and then say them to the older and wiser woman in the mirror. Now let's take a moment to sit with how absolutely fucked it is that your gender is interfering with your options.  Maybe we should stand.  Yeah.  I am going to stomp around a bit if you don't mind. I'm not going to kick anything because that'll just hurt my toe or my things, but truly I'm disgusted and pissed and righteously so. It's wrong.  It's unfair. And for me it pisses me off at about a 3 of a possible 10 of seething rages.  How hot do you feel about this one?  If you are at a 5 or higher than this might give you a clue on where to take your next steps. Because this bullshit is certainly a wrong worth righting and you will find supportive sisterhood with some of the women on Quora - for example , , and others at https://fourthwave.quora.com.  Which brings me to the next suggestion I have for you.  Take your time to find a path that calls to you, but make this path-finding your number one job.   If gender inequality is not a 5+ out of 10 for you, spend some time thinking about what is. Is it toy making? If not, in the privacy of your own imagination drop the edges and spend 5 minutes fantasizing every day about the coolest type of work you can imagine.  Buy a journal and start a list of what you love about the jobs you've had and what you hate.  Get granular ( for example I love writing...I hate grammar or I like to spend about half my day doing non-stressful repetitive tasks and half running at problems full speed or I am intrigued/mortified by office politics). Make lists of what you are good at, what you suck at, what you could get better at if you tried, and what is off limits for this lifetime for you.  Take some online assessments - http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp is a good place to start.  Look at lists of possible occupations: http://www.careerplanner.com/ListOfCareers.cfm.  We are more than the stream of language inside our head. If we only listen to that stream it will keep us safe where we are.  If, like you, we are not particularly safe (or happy) where we are, exposing your imagination and subconscious to the options above will spark something for you.  Do this and I promise you will find something you want to move towards. Passion is a fire.  When the spark comes, cherish it and get it to tinder immediately.  Begin to map out the steps to get to the thing you really want to do.  Whether it's toy making, or training circus cats, write out a plan that includes what should be in place for you to leave from where you are to where you are going. I do an exercise in groups sometimes when people are feeling powerless.  We line up and one by one cross the room and touch the opposite wall.  Then we go to the end of the line and wait to go again.  The only stipulation is that no one can cross the room using the exact same technique as anyone before them.  The first person walks, the next maybe skips, by the 6th person people are walking backwards, hopping on one foot, bunny hopping with their hands behind their back, bunny hopping with their hands flailing over their heads, bunny hopping backwards...   I've had people go on for 45 minutes until it is absolutely clear to everyone that when you clearly understand an achievable goal there is always a way to get there.