Is being a Child Care Worker and a Preschool Teacher the same thing?

What do I say/do to my five-year-old who threatened to kill another child at school and also herself (it's happened twice and I am not ready to take her to therapy yet and have it on record that she's homicidal and/or suicidal because she's only just a baby)?

• My child told another child in her preschool that she would kill her. When questioned by the teacher, she said that she was also going to kill herself. The first time this happened (last week), we had a long talk about it and she promised never to say that again. Today she said the same things again. Again, I talked to her. I explained that she should talk about her emotions (e.g. "Sally made me mad when she took my eraser") instead of saying "I want to kill Sally." She doesn't seem to take it seriously. She says she was joking or "pretending" and I explained to her there is no joking or pretending in death. I tried to explain death using her pet fish (that died recently) as an example but I'm not sure if she really gets it. She seems really not to care or like it is funny to her. I also want to add that she has never acted violently and I can't imagine her actually being violent. I think she just says it like it's a joke but it scares people because they think she is threatening them. Her teachers and my mother think I am too lenient with her because I choose to speak freely and openly about things rather than ignore her and hurt her the way my own mother did to me. I see myself in her and I remember how painful my own childhood was. The teachers, administrator, and my mom all tell me I should spank her. I shouted at my mom today when she raised her hand to slap her. I am against that. But my mom said it is my fault she is a rotten child because I don't know how to parent. She thinks I should do whatever it takes to punish her or she will never act right. Are the teachers and my mom right? By sparing my child a beating, am I giving her a ticket to the loony bin? By giving her attention, am I encouraging bad behavior? Should I be punishing her with violence and ignoring her like my mom did to me? It seems crazy. I want to protect her. She is the most important thing in my life and the only person I really care about. My main concern is that she will be misunderstood and treated badly by "professionals" in school. I was an atypical child but I hid it well and used to lie about my feelings (and keep everything bottled up) to stay out of trouble. But my childhood was miserable and lonely. I had no friends and I never spoke to anyone. I never trusted people. I used to read books about murder and suicide and write down my fantasies about killing people. That was how I avoided outing myself (I was never dangerous and I would never hurt anyone so that is why I think my daughter is the same way). When I felt suicidal the first time, I told my mom about it. It was the first and last time I cried out for help; my mom just punished me, yelled at me, and told me never to speak of such things in her presence. All of this just pushed me to try to kill myself. I also used to cut myself but nobody knew. Eventually, I turned to drugs. Now they all want me to do the same to my child as was done to me. But I, obviously, don't want the same for her. I also don't want her put on psych meds and treated like a crazy child because she is not; she is super smart and brilliant and a great kid. So much like her mother. She deserves more and she can be so much better. Any advice/thoughts/opinions would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I have tried it all (but I cannot bring myself to hit her). I told her today that this is her last chance, three strikes and she's out. But I don't know what will happen if she keeps this behavior up in school. Am I being to kind to her? Is it my fault? What can I do to fix this? Am I taking this too seriously or not seriously enough? Sorry for the long explanation and million questions. I just wanted to include all the details. I am concerned that if I don't act quickly and accurately, her life/future will be fucked (even worse than mine was). Am I wrong to think this way? Is it bad to compare her behavior to mine? She is just so young and I am her only role model. And I know I'm not the best but I try because I do care about her. I'm not sure why I made this anonymous but I guess I don't want people I know to see this. Fellow Quorans will probably know who I am because I write a lot. No worries there. Anyway, thanks to anyone who reads and responds. I don't really have anyone else to turn to and I trust no one. This is the only place I feel safe to discuss it.

• Answer:

  In every county there are resources available to help you and your child.  If you look in the front of your phone book, the first few pages list State agencies, and then there will be a list of County agencies, and then a list of City departments. Look for Human Services or for Mental Health Services.  They also have Hot-Line numbers you can call.  All these phone numbers will get you to a person that you can talk to.  You can be anonymous. You can locate a Family Counselor who is in private practice.  You don't have to go through the school or through your family doctor.  Look for someone who specializes in early childhood therapy.  Call and ask for an evaluation and tell the counselor exactly what you've told us. You've already said that you need help right now!  A five year old doesn't tell somebody they are going to kill them. A five year old doesn't say they are going to kill themselves.  That area of thinking just isn't in the mindset of five year old kids. You love your child and she loves you.  But, something is going on. You know that. It is going on in her actions and in her reactions. It is also going on in you. Being a single parent from an abusive, belittling, angry family makes it extremely tough to know how to parent. Your role models were lousy and they still are. Do NOT allow your Mother to slap your child. Spanking, hitting, yelling are the WORST things a parent can do. Maybe you are lenient.  So what? There is a balance every parent must find - knowing when and how to discipline their child. But, right now, YOU and your CHILD need some support. A counselor who understands family dynamics, who has experience with people who grew up in an abusive family (YOU), and who also has experience helping children (your CHILD) -  that person / or persons is who you need now. No one is going to put your daughter on medication, or is going to haphazardly pin a diagnosis on her.  You don't need a Psychiatrist right now, you need a Child and Family Counselor.  Look for someone Licensed as a MSW,  LCSW,  MFCC,  or the equivalent in your state. Asking for help is the healthiest thing a person can do!  It's o.k. to ask for help.