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How To Feel Good?

I often feel like I'm not "good enough". How do I get rid of this feeling?

  • I've always struggled with being good enough, especially in the eyes of my parents. The lowest grade I ever got was a B, but my parents would tell me "why can't you have straight A's?". I was a member of my high school's tennis varsity team, I played nationals, but my parents told me that it doesn't mean anything because it doesn't mean anything in the "real world". I can play the piano really well and have been invited to play at several recitals and some hotels during events, but they never went to any of my performances because, again, that talent doesn't mean anything in the real world. I'm currently focused on photography and design. Everything I have to help me get better, I saved up for. I can't rest, even when people tell me I've done enough, because I keep telling myself I haven't had it made yet. My parents don't understand what goes into what I do, and get mad at me for "not knowing how to use my camera" just because they don't like the way I take photos during vacations. I've received a lot of merit for my photos, in school and in contests. Somehow, I can't enjoy those awards and pat myself for a job well done because I always feel inadequate. I keep looking for what I can do better. I love how this is keeping me focused. I absolutely enjoy taking photos and creating illustrations. Whenever I fail, I'm focused and determined enough to stop being so hurt and look at what I did wrong, and see what I can do to fix it. But at the end of the day, whenever I put my pencil and camera down, I feel sad, because I always feel like I'm never and will never be good enough. I have a girlfriend whom I know loves me very much, but for some reason I keep thinking that she might leave me because I'm not good enough. How do I get rid of this feeling?

  • Answer:

    First of all, if I had held talents and grades that you are discussing at (what I assume is a young adult age) I'd be frigging over the moon. Now, to the cause of the problem. Your parents. All good intentions aside, the fact is your parents are a terrible influence on your ability to impartially measure your own worth. Realise that your parents are just people who have used a screwed up method of trying to direct your behaviours in ways that suit them. For what ever misguided, selfish or ignorant reason they haven't taken a step back to evaluate you as an individual and love you, reward you and recognise you as such. No, I'm not saying they are evil or terrible humans, just their views on what's important in life don't need to align to yours and those views certainly don't matter as much as you might think they do right now. Truly realising the situation for what it is and acting accordingly is a major step in your becoming an independent adult. So my advice is to 'be the bigger person', understand they have flaws and are human just like you. Find ways to communicate to them about the things you do align with and be thankful that they are in your life and have enabled you to be going to school and educating yourself in the first place. Of course you can discuss it with them openly and directly but from how you have phrased your question I don't know if it will help as they appear to have such closed and one directional views on matters. Just don't expect or require them to change in order for you to realise your value. Find ways to reduce the level of influence they have on your daily thinking. Ideally this is achieved by a 'time out', where you can get some better perspective in the company of more supportive, like minded people.  I wish you the best and I know it's not an easy situation you are in, but it sounds like you are well armed with a load of talent and intelligence to get you through it. Oh, I do hope the girlfriend is a more positive influence for you and don't worry about her leaving you. Instead I'd talk to her about what you are dealing with and ask her to help you work on it together.

Daniel Da Vinci at Quora Visit the source

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Maybe the answer is not getting rid of this feeling, but adding a new one or two?Maybe this feeling is an asset - as you say, it keeps you focused, and driven, and motivated.  Is it so bad to have a high standard?  No.  but maturity demands that we look deeper.....Maybe these would help:1.  Each day, look BACK, and simply acknowledge the PROGRESS you made today.  why not learn to feel good about the progress, even if the ultimate goal is not achieved yet?  If you measure progress looking forward, you will always feel like a failure, but if you look back, you should see that each day, things are being accomplished.  Some small, some large, but once you start to measure your success looking backwards, you may find it much easier to be driven, but feel better about yourself.  (Credit to Dan Sullivan and his https://www.strategiccoach.com company for this idea.)2.  Perfect is the enemy of good.  Forgive yourself daily.  Learn to be driven and set high standards, while ALSO having humility, grace, patience and forgiveness for yourself AND OTHERS (including parents) BECAUSE, no one and nothing is perfect in this life, ever.  Learn to be comfortable in the paradox of letting life be what it is - messy, imperfect, constantly changing, while still setting a high standard for yourself and your life.May you balance your ambition with wisdom and grace, knowing that perfection doesn't exist and that each day's progress, in small and large ways, is enough to feel good about who we are and what are life is about.  PS:  It may also help to know that you are not alone.  This is a common human condition, shared by all.  CEOs afraid that someday they will be "found out," to top performing athletes and performers having tremendous anxiety and depression because of fear that they will never be good enough.  Learning to keep your high standards for life while also learning to have a mature and wise perspective is a major leap forward in your life, and I'm excited for you to keep growing in this direction, and hopefully helping others as well with this common issue.

Joe Goebel

Life is to live ... not to think on negativities ... Stop thinking

Komal Bandekar

The same here, in anything I do I feel I'm not good enough. I know now that the feeling goes away when I stop comparing myself to anyone.

Dominic Auer

Your parents obviously have unreasonable expectations and are more interested in having you do things their way. Let's say for a moment that they weren't your parents but two random people in a crowd of hundreds or thousands. It obviously wouldn't matter then and it shouldn't matter to you now. You could waste away your whole life trying to get them to be happy at the cost of all your own dreams and happiness but it just isn't worth it. You've seen this pattern play out so many times that you know it will play out again. You should accept that you are an amazing person and your parents have their own ideas and way to be. So instead of focusing on them just keep doing whatever it is that makes you happy. In this world life is too short to allow other people to pull you down especially when you don't deserve it which I am certain that you don't.

Jessee Beighley

I hope at least you should trust on yourself if you are still having the doubt whaether u are good enough or not it makes me little obscure at my end after reading your whole conversation. Hey men u are good enough just trust on what you are

Pankaj R Rathi

Your parent loves you. That is one of many ways of parents try to motivate you. You'll someday understand this when you are become a parent yourself. They want you to prepare for the worst, cause everything is not going to be easy or going as smooth as it planned. You should be thankful for having a such a great parents, others might not even have one. Just choose who you are going to be, just decide, and don't let other people thinking drown you. Find something that makes you satisfy, something that make you happy, not what they satisfy, because if it does, that is what make you sad in the end of the day. Don't overthinking things with your girlfriends, just be yourself, have faith in you.. have faith in her.. add more value to yourself, make her happy, make yourself happy. And everything will be alright. Sometimes what you think it will be good enough for her, is not always right, sometime what she needs is actually for you to hear her out, for you to be there when its needed, and for you to make her feel safe.

Syafrullah Djaya

your GF not same as your parents,you must keep it in mind ,or at least it will happen that you image.than try to stand in your parents ' position,no matter how hurt you get from them ,they just want to encourage you in their way.

Manna

Ignore it. Maybe it's true, maybe not. It's about as reliable as a map drawn by a four-year-old. The question is, can you succeed at something, and the only way to find out is to try.

John Kelly

Your parents love you, but you don't have to do things just to please them or meet their expectations. Of course you should respect your parents and take their advices for the reference. After all, you have to make your own decisions.Trust yourself. When you made your own decisions, grow and learn from your own choices you will obtain genuine happiness and self confidence.

Qing Yan

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