I need directions in Barcelona and where to spend New Year there?

Darn it! Need help again.

• I am not sure how or where to start but I have spent 12 days thinking about it so I need to find some answers or strategies fast... So, I am kind of having to start all over again. All aspects of life. I have had two international moves in less than two years and the last one was mid-Aug. Back in country #3 (home country) after 7 years (circumstances, not choice). Spent the first two weeks in some serious reverse culture shock, being back after a major loss, trying to get to terms with the fact that the home I knew or even the people in it aren't the same as when I left. I am more sentimental than I'd like and this part has been very hard- more than any other life/work-based problems. I am also voluntarily unemployed (long story) but I had been meaning to start by now and its been close to a month in the new place. I am frustrated by my inability to separate the professional from the personal, and not being able to do so by NOW is beginning to get to me. I understand that emotionally, with the non-stop barrage of events and changes I have and still am dealing with means it will be another few years for the things to calm down a little bit- if at all- and I am okay with it, except that I kind of need to be able to start up the job search and when I get one, I need the emotional and mental energy to cope with the struggle of yet another move and a job, among other usual stressors that are a part of work and life. The last position kind of sucked the life out of me and seriously derailed professional and personal plans, so its not like I haven't been planning well or been on top of my game either despite the life events. I was told (by an excellent professional) before the first international move that what I've had to deal with (by then for a duration of 8-10 months) "would be enough to break some lesser people". It feels like a game where every step (change/situation) keeps getting tougher and maybe the next step will be the one where I trip.. This actually sounds rather silly now that I am writing about it here but it has consumed all of my morning which I wanted to spend on working/being productive. I guess in an ideal world, I want to be close to my parent (in country #3) but I want to work in country #1/2 - because that's where I have been for a little over a decade. My parent is in their early seventies and seeing their physical and mental toll of age and loss is something I am still struggling with. I say its silly because aging is a no-brainer and yet, I feel utterly helpless in improving anything for them in a positive way. My parent is in okay health, no life-threatening illnesses but just a LOT weaker physically and energy-wise. The guilt - however misplaced or self-imposed- of choosing to start a job search in country #1/2 and leave them here feels incredibly hard and selfish (what if 3 mths into the new job in the new country I am unable to stop thinking about them and function?). As you might be able to tell, I was and am very attached to my parents (single, no family of my own- not even a dog) but never was necessarily close. It kills me to not be able to help - parents or strangers- who I think I can help irrespective of whether they want/need help. I guess my problem is that I am standing in front of a forked road, and I don't know which one to take because I turn 37 soon and I feel I can't afford to mess it up again (as last job didn't turn out well for career even though the reasons were totally out of my control). I have also read http://www.metafilter.com/145872/A-Constant-Drizzle-of-Disappointment and the honest thoughts from real people were very comforting (because I am not the only one thinking/struggling with some of those things at this point in life). Everyone who knows me is assuming without a doubt that I will be applying to go back to country #1/2 and no one really knows what's going on in my head or *why* its taking me so long to apply. So here are the questions- 1. Have you been in a situation where you felt you were being pulled in two opposite directions? How did you choose and how did it turn out? If the situations were similar to mine then I would appreciate your comments all the more. 2. Do you have any strategies to compartmentalize? Men are supposed to be good at it and I want to know the secret!! You know, if I could switch some parts of my brain off so I can work productively and think about personal stuff later rather than not being able to stop thinking and therefore not working. 3.And finally, if you have gone through bad periods in life- not a few months or a year but quite a few years or really long-term ongoing bad periods- what helped you get through the daily grind and the monthly/yearly grind? I am asking for a situation where you were able to function (no depression or other complicating factors), were able to plan and execute and everything but the incessant process and its duration is what made it difficult. I've heard all cliches and quotes by now and made the best of those. At this point, it is not helping to repeat the autobiography and it feels insulting to hear "take it one day at a time" from those who know the situation and who really should know better. Also, not sure if this is relevant, other than these seemingly insurmountable life problems, I am doing fine. (Eating, sleeping and exercising well and enjoying the last two very much.)

• Answer:

  I'm your age. I decided to leave a marriage and a career path I thought would pretty much last forever, and that decision took about 6 months to make. I'm still in the middle of figuring out the specifics for the rest, but about two months ago, I was able to say very clearly to my therapist "I know what I'm leaving and why, but I don't know what I'm heading towards any longer. I'm just wandering around with too many choices and no path." It takes time and a lot of thinking. I wrote lists and lists of different options, and I looked at interviews with people who had jobs or lives that I thought I might want 10-20-30 years in the future. That helped a lot - I could see immediately that there were a couple of themes that kept recurring over and over, elements of their lives I longed for. Travel around the world? Yawn. Bustling restaurant? Nope. Small house filled with people and books and ideas? Yes, please. The same for work - I wrote http://ask.metafilter.com/285044/What-colour-is-your-parachute-when-youre-free-falling recently. A lot was in discussions with my therapist and I really recommend a therapist (or life coach!) to help you work through difficult decisions. Having someone outside of your life look at things and ask questions and make connections you can't see from inside - huge help. I found myself sorting through questions ahead of appointments so I could tell her my answers and decisions, rather than needing to process stuff during the time, but it was good to have someone say "Yes, you are stressed and overreacting" or "No, that is super tough and too much to handle". Also a therapist is someone brand new so you have to narrate your life and situation to them from a blank page, which means taking stock. That's very helpful. Think how much it costs to make the move to either country - a couple of sessions of therapy will be less than most plane tickets! Also, I had blank journals where I just wrote randomly. Not tidy dated entires, but like three pages of numbered lists, then a page of crabbed sideways ranting angry notes, then scribbles and sketches of houses, then another list or a page with a bracket graph to decide which countries I liked most, and so on. I carried that damn journal around in my bag for about three months and made myself write in it often, and it was very very helpful. Having it messy on paper first, like a draft, and giving myself permission to sprawl and mix and put random things in, a grocery list and all the meals I wanted to cook next to what hopes I had for my children and my fears for them - just sprawling into that book. Then when the book was closed, I could be much calmer, like all the mess went into the book. Mood mixtapes - making a soundtrack for this point in your life sort of thing - that can help. That helped me figure out what I was feeling, making sets of soundtracks "Angry & Furious", "Bitter & Grieving", "Hopeful & Brave", "Happy & Cheerful", "Sad & Wistful", "Lonely" etc. I would see what I would choose, and then that let me go past what I was telling myself I felt to what I was actually really feeling. I compartmentalise horribly well, and it's something I'm working to stop doing, so I have no advice there. I don't think that's a good thing to look for. If you can't work because you're very sad or in pain, try waking up earlier to feel that stuff in yoga or long runs or quiet mornings or accept that it's depression/grief and you need time to just heal and rest. Being able to feel that pain, as horrible as it is - that's a huge step forward over compartmentalisation. I literally thought to myself today "Yay, you noticed you're in physical discomfort today, enough to do something about it! That's so great, remember to tell your therapist, what progress, go you" because previously I would have just focused on getting my tasks done, and ignored the discomfort until it became very painful. So uh, maybe that's not something to work towards.