Fear in opening myself to a good man in a good relationship?

But why do I feel like he is so infatuated and I am looking at everything so pragmatically? Because, to be blunt, you are a grown up and he is not. Hooray for you! Boo for him. Grownups know that 2 months is nothing, it's absolutely the easiest thing in the world to be gaga about someone after 2 months, but it doesn't mean anything when you are. Sometimes, I need me time. Most of the time I love being with him but sometimes I need a nap, or a good night of sleep and find that he keeps me up or I get a bit irritated if he says let me call you one more time! Sometimes he is late to see me by an hour or two and that irritates me too. He just can't get enough of me but I need a night by myself when work gets tough and I am pooped. Again, this is because you're a grown up and know how to be an individual and live a life that is healthy for you. Grown ups need space to themselves, grown ups need to manage their health and their rest. Grown-up relationships have room for all of this stuff, guilt-free. Unfortunately, now that you're a grown up, You're going to find it hard to be infatuated with people who behave like children in relationships. Which he is doing. But luckily, now that you're a grown up, you can approach this in a grown up way, by having a talk with him. Tell him you're anxious that things are moving far too fast for your comfort; that you need your space and you are going to take it; that he will need to respect your needs. How he responds to that will be very telling, but I imagine that if he responds happily and lovingly, and begins to give you the breathing room you ask for, that you'll find yourself feeling MUCH more infatuated with him before long. If he responds like a jerk, well...you'll know that you were right to feel anxious and put on the brakes...and look at you, with your good instincts!

Beware of staying with a guy because he smothers you with attention. It may feel like a welcome relief from men who didn't reciprocate your feelings in the past, but trust me, it isn't healthy. You want someone who understands that balance and me-time requirements for a good relationship. You should be able to tell him "I need to take a nap today" without him getting upset. Basically, you want to be with someone where there's balance in the amount of attention you're giving and receiving. Some degree of anxiety is normal when dating, but if you find yourself so anxious that you can't enjoy the relationship during the honeymoon period, something is wrong. Also, things you don't like about him -- "he doesn't have life figured out", past drug use, his politics.. and you seem to be making excuses or lowering your standards. I didn't see what it is you actually like about him. If you aren't thrilled to be dating this guy, I think you should stop dating him.

A lot of time has passed where the two of you haven't been talking or in contact at all. He still thinks of you as the person you were in middle school, which is why he's able to so quickly "fall in love." You, on the other hand, are approaching this appropriately. He's basically a stranger that you share some history with. You're not falling into the trap of feeling like you already know him intimately, because you don't. That's healthy! At some point, you're going to come down off the pedestal he has you on. He's going to realize you've grown and matured and changed while he didn't know you. That transition is going to be rough, but you can help smooth it by talking to him forthrightly NOW. He doesn't deserve you fully opening up your heart to him until you're ready to do that. You have plenty of reasons to want to move slowly with him given his past, and that's completely fine and appropriate. Currently, he is super infatuated with you and calling that love. They're not the same thing, and you are a smart cookie to differentiate the physical attraction you feel for him from love. Just keep moving at your pace, and see what he's like in another two months. You have no obligation to completely open yourself up just because that's where he's at or just because you have history together. Since he's super into you, that should be fine with him. If it's not, you should take that into consideration.

2 months. It sounds like he's moving really super fast and you are moving at a more normal pace. That neediness and instant closeness is setting off little alarms in your brain because you know things. You know to be careful and not over-invest 2 months in. He doesn't seem to know that. I'd find that worrying too. Take things at your own pace, if he can't handle that, that's a huge red flag.

I feel like almost everyone skipped over this guy's life and dating history. HE'S A MESS. Girl, don't date this guy. He's lying about at least some of his personal choices, and he's definitely moving fast because he's trying to manipulate you. Maybe you're more together than he is? Maybe you make more money? Maybe your background would lend him societal respectability?? I think you should run far far away from this drama and catastrophe, but that's only because I've been through it. There's little to nothing about your story that equals Good Relationship Foundation. Too much drama and weirdness. People with his life choices definitely are wrapped up with drugs. C'mon! Just the claims of innocence and naïveté around hanging with drug dealers and strippers sets off alarm bells (no offense meant to sex workers or strippers - it's just his story there blaming EVERYTHING on his ex who happens to be a stripper is really too convenient, and therefore unbelievable.) Nothing this guy says makes sense (oh, star-crossed lovers! his mean ex got in between you via Facebook! but now you're together despite everything!!) is utter and total bullshit, and you shouldn't fall for it. This guy is a walking pile of trouble, and you should not let him into your life. Run, girl. You're in danger. This is not the backstory of a healthy relationship or worthwhile partner. Run.

[Several comments deleted. Chelsaroo650, AskMe isn't a place for open-ended discussion or processing. The way it works here is, you ask your question and then you can mark the answers that are most useful and ignore the ones that aren't useful. If your question is really more of a "let's all discuss my relationship" thing, then it doesn't belong on AskMetafilter in the first place.]

It IS still early days. You haven't even dated for two months! Slow down your roll, for your sake and his. Give yourself a timeline, something like just dating and seeing how things go for six months before you even begin to start worrying about the future. You can't even know each other well yet! The point of dating is to see if you can enjoy each others' company and figure out stuff like how many nights a week you each need to yourself, etc. You might need at least a year before you have basic compatibilities figured out. As someone who is also anxious, especially about relationship stuff, and didn't want to "lead someone on", it can be really hard to just go with the flow, see if you're still enjoying being around him usually, and let it be. Therapy was a huge help for me in figuring out what I wanted, what I was Really worried about, and whether relationships with specific people were good for me. It doesn't even have to be therapy for very long, and there might be something available through your work (EAP), or at low cost. Therapy has helped me be a better friend, a better partner, and a much happier person. One thing I learned that I'll pass on to you: wanting alone time is totally ok. If you can't ask this guy for that, and/or he can't give it to you, take that as a red flag and back off.

There are at least two questions that you're asking. 1) If I don't feel the same intensity that my partner feels toward me, does that mean I don't love him as much? 2) Should I be ashamed for not feeling the same intensity of love my partner does? And to answer your questions: A1) No, you just love him in a DIFFERENT WAY than he's demonstrating it. It's comparing apples and oranges. Some people are effusive, PDA, giddy, while others can express love or even lust at just a glance, the subtle body language... Snowflakes and all that. A2) Absolutely not. As I said, apples and oranges. Can't say about your anxiety, but it seems you're thinking too far about the future (i.e. way too much what-ifs) Phil Zimbardo, famous researcher (look up "Stanford Prison Experiment") has a TED talk on our time sense. We need a balance of looking at the past for mistakes, at the present to deal with the here and now, and look toward the future for improvement. Right now, you're not spending enough attention at the present, and too much at the past (I've been hurt) and in the future (what if...). I've seen people who ONLY look at the present (they can't plan more than a week ahead and seem to forget about any and all mistakes) and people who ONLY look at the past ("oh, my glory days!") Try paying more attention to the present, i.e. your lover.

What it will take more time to figure out is if he really loves you, or if he's just absolutely giddy about how much his life suddenly does not totally suck now that he's with you and not the previous girlfriend. Give that some time. Nobody knows yet.