Why am I not in love with my amazing friend who loves me?

I think it would be easier for you to resist the pull of this situation if you had another outlet for sex-- like a different casual relationship-- while you are trying to disengage. The best thing would be for you to stay away from this friend for a while. Only see each other in group settings and never drink together. Or don't see each other or contact each other at all, if you can manage that. As to why you don't feel something more, that's just how it goes. Romantic chemistry can't be willed into being, no matter how much we all wish it could.

It's not love when it's one-sided. He intensely wants something from you, and he doesn't respect your boundaries, and he's pressuring you in order to get his way. That's not love. It's time for you to back away. Maybe for a while, maybe forever. You're not into him all that much. This isn't a thing you can force. Not every human being on the planet is for you, and you can't back-burner another person like this indefinitely just in case you change your mind, it's not healthy for either of you. Honestly, what normally happens in these situations is eventually things come to a head. Maybe that manifests as a hard end to the friendship initiated by either one of you, or maybe he tries to kill you. Or succeeds. This is someone who already thinks his wants are more important than yours, you have no way of knowing how far that will go.

I was this guy in a very similar situation recently -- someone I was friends with and with whom i'd been physically and emotionally intimate with off and on for a few years recently ended their long-term relationship. I hoped we could date. He feels very much that I am not worth dating but I'm worth fucking when he can't get anything else. Thankfully, he accepted it when I told him I can't accept the crumbs he has to offer, and we're not in contact. It sucks a lot, but being in touch with him would just bring me more pain... just like this dude you're friends with. He apparently isn't going to be able to cut things off with you unless you stand firm and go no-contact with him for a while. And that means NO CONTACT. Yes, I'm sure the attention is really nice. But taking the attention from someone that you KNOW has feelings for you is really unethical if you don't have the ability or the intention of reciprocating. It's going to be hard, but you have to remove yourself from his life for a while and let him move on from his feelings for you. Sticking around because you don't want to lose his friendship isn't the right thing to do -- frankly, continuing to be physical with him IS leading him on, and that's already colored the friendship. Let him go, block him on social media for a while if you have to, but don't have any contact with him. Maybe in the future you two can try being friends again, but right now... no.

I want to repeat what Lyn Never said: This is not love. He does not love you. He certainly thinks he does, but if he actually loved you, he would not be treating you this way. You are not being stupid. Your feelings are not moving because sometimes feelings do not move. We do not really have much control over our emotions and our feelings - they are what they are. It is what we do with them that really matters. So: You feel like - and therefore, you know - you don't want this relationship with this guy. What are you going to do about that? Slow down the amount and intensity of contact, don't do stuff alone, don't give in to his advances, etc. You might have to stop seeing him entirely eventually. Who knows. What you do know is that the situation you are in right now is not one that feels good or that makes you feel good. I have been in your shoes, sort of - I was dating a guy who wanted to move way, way faster than I did. He kind of missed the boat with me because there was a time in life when I would have moved just as quickly as he wanted, but I am no longer like that. I felt totally smothered by him. He basically wanted to spend every waking moment with me. He was co-dependent. When I broke up with him I felt a mixture of sad (why couldn't I love him like he loved me?) and elated (I stood up for myself and said enough was enough!) Now he is with another woman who is much more suited to his codependencies, I hear, and he's over the moon happy and is finally working on his depression, which was another issue I had with him (he was really depressed, drank like a fish, and never did a darn thing with his non-work time other than moon around and wait to hang out and watch TV or play videogames with me. The weekend before we broke up he fell asleep on the floor next to my desk because he was just lying there waiting for me to finish work, and that was real wakeup call). And this story illustrates part of my point: A good relationship gives you the space necessary to grow. We are all changing, all the time, and a healthy relationship - one that works for both people - allows for that change to happen in a supportive environment. And I could not support that man the way he needed, nor could he do that for me. So I guess what I am saying is that this situation isn't good for either of you. He needs someone who is not you, and you need someone who is not him. It is going to be kind of crummy to stop seeing him, but that will pass and you will be happier. Trust me.

I've been in your friend's shoes in the distant past. I think you are being over-careful about possibly hurting his feelings - he's 29 years old, he really doesn't need you to 'protect' him from yourself. When he has a few drinks and tells you how much he loves you and all that - it does not speak well of men that they sometimes act like this, but it's not at all unlikely that he's just saying that stuff because he's horny. To be blunt: it seems like you're worried that if you have sex with him, he'll fall totally in love with you and you'll break his heart. I'm inclined to think that perhaps this isn't as big of a hazard as you imagine it might be. And even if you do break his heart - he'll live. Honestly, what I've noticed down the years is that unrequited love is the real heartbreaker. He probably does love you in some way. But is it really the full-blown kind of love that leads to marriage and kids and growing old together? My guess - based purely on statistics - is probably not. And it wouldn't hurt him at all to have an occasional opportunity to really think it over in the clear light of a morning after. It wouldn't hurt for you, either, if you're stuck at wondering why your feelings aren't moving. What I got out of your letter, really, is that you and he have the potential makings of a really sweet FWB-like relationship here. If you're happy being single except for the lack of sex, and you two are friends enough that you can go out together and have a good time (and also, it sounds like neither of you has been catting about, so you can both get tested and then move quickly to enjoying that special kind of sex were you aren't worried about STDs) - I think you should accept that he's an adult and he doesn't need you to make sacrifices "for his own good" and give it a go. Here's a thought: you say you occasionally go out with him and end up making out? The next time this happens, look him in the eye and tell him "let's go back to my place - just this once!" And you can say "just this once!" as many times as you want. Of course, it's entirely up to you what you choose to do. But I'll add one final observation: it seems to be remarkably rare for people to find themselves in this kind of situation, where they're free of obligations and enjoying life. By pure random happenstance, both of you happen to be at this place at the same time. It seems a shame to waste such an opportunity.

The disparity here is just too great. He's sprinting. You're considering walking. His level of affection sounds suffocating, it's hard, if not impossible for your own affection to grow under the weight of all that. If you can keep being friends without any intimate contact that would be the best way forward. If either of you can deal with that I think some low/no contact time is in order. His infatuation is poisoning the well of both friendship and potential romance.

Am I leading him on by continuing to be friends with him and sometimes caving in to his advances? I feel I know the answer to this... You're messing with his head for sure, whether or not that's your intention. Am I being stupid by not trying to at least date this wonderful man – despite the fact he’s still in the throes of a serious relationship break-up and he is my dear friend? Your feelings are your feelings. If you don't feel strongly for him or feel overwhelmed by him, then you do not have to date him. Why are my feelings not moving? Ie – why have they stayed at ‘fancy and really enjoy the company of’ and not moved to either ‘LOVE!!!’ or realising I was wrong and there are no romantic feelings? Do you have any experience of this? You just don't have the chemistry? You feel overwhelmed by the intensity of his feelings? If he wasn't so nuts about you, would you go on a few casual dates and see if your feelings deepen? I think the best thing for both of you is for you to back away from him. I know he is a dear friend but this situation is hurtful to both of you. He's an adult and should've pushed you away a long time ago for his own mental health--but at the same time what you're doing is not kind. At the very least stop drinking and making out with him! The kindest thing to do would be to put the friendship on hold until he has moved on.

I think you both might not be making the best decisions. From his end, if he's infatuated with someone who has made relatively clear that they can't reciprocate in the way he wants, staying in that situation is emotionally harmful. From your end, continuing to get drunk and make out with a guy who says he is in love with you is muddying the waters with your actions, even if you're making your feelings clear. But, I mean, that's what happens when people are confused about their feelings and relationships of whatever sort come at awkward times and there's at least some mutual attraction. To be honest, it doesn't sound like he's going to do anything different than what he's doing, and that's not good for either of you. You can't leave it up to him to not see you anymore because he's in the throes of his emotions for you and once in a while they're just barely reciprocated by you. And it's just enough for him to keep doing what he does in hopes the reciprocation gets to a point where it's even and you feel for him what he feels for you. If he can't keep his feelings at bay, then you can't be friends with this dude without doing emotion damage to the both of you. I mean that sucks, especially if you're good friends, but you can't make yourself feel emotions any more than he can make himself stop feeling them.

I think it's quite likely, given that you guys have only really known each other whilst one or both of you have been at crisis point in your previous relationships, that he has you waaaay up on a pedestal of his ideal woman in comparison to who he was with, and you're kind of subconsciously detecting this and, very reasonably, putting up boundaries against this usually very transient phase. I did this, madly crush on someone as a sort of escape from the sadness of your failing/failed relationship. And it can pass super-quick once you start getting your life together. So: Am I leading him on by continuing to be friends with him and sometimes caving in to his advances? No, just firm your boundaries up and stick to them, at least until he gets his life together a bit more. Am I being stupid by not trying to at least date this wonderful man – despite the fact he’s still in the throes of a serious relationship break-up and he is my dear friend? No, you're totally right not to, because of those things. Why are my feelings not moving? Because he hasn't got to a stable place yet, he's not quite himself, really. Your gut is telling you, this guy is still kind of unstable. Stand at a safe distance until he has unloaded a fair bit more baggage. Have you ever been in this kind of emotionally-lopsided relationship? What happened? Yes, on both sides. Boundaries were key, because when you "come to" after this period of all-over-the-place-ness, it's easy to feel really embarrassed at how you acted. Be kind. I'm still friends with a guy who was like this with me, we took some distance for a while and now we're totally cool. Also vice versa.