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What sibling pairs are the best?

Should we have another baby? (sibling edition)

  • We're trying to decide whether to have another kid, and stuck a bit when we try to evaluate potential effects on the first one. I'm looking for your experiences with sibling relationships (good and bad), including what things we as parents could do (if any) to make it a good one. My husband and I have one son, 22 months old, and are currently trying to decide if we should try for another kid. We've considered lots of factors and at least feel like we know how to go about thinking about them, but one of them is one that I think we'd considerably benefit from the wisdom of the hive mind: the effect of having a sibling on our son. The main reason this is an issue is that my husband and I had dramatically different sibling experiences growing up, and this is colouring our views to the extent that we don't know what is normal, what kinds of things we could realistically expect, and what power parents have to affect the sibling relationship. I had four siblings, all of us separated by about two years, and they were among my best friends growing up. They've been a hugely positive influence in my life and are relationships I treasure into adulthood. Conversely, my husband had one sibling (a slightly older brother) who has really had a negative impact on his life. The brother had massive amounts of sibling jealousy, and hated, resented, and bullied my husband for a lot of their childhood. Even now their relationship is a real sore point for him. My husband is very worried about similar effects if we had another kid -- especially because our son is pretty mommy-focused and we give him a lot of one-on-one attention, so a new kid might be a rude shock. (I have no idea what the norm is for either of these things, and he does go to daycare three days a week, but still). Husband is worried both on behalf of the new baby (being on the receiving end of all of that resentment was not a fun thing for him) but also on behalf of our son, who he is afraid would be greatly and negatively affected by the change in routine and attention in ways that he wouldn't easily recover from. When I think about the issue, conversely, I think about how I want my son to have someone else in his family to grow up with (we have no other extended family in the same country). I think of what a support and source of fun my own siblings were. I also think I learned a lot about how to deal with other kids, how to be less selfish, and how to get along with others -- which, if our kid is as much of a loner/outsider in school as both of us were, might be really instrumental in making his childhood a better one. Importantly, my husband's parents were good: they didn't cause the situation as far as we can tell. In fact, neither of us can really identify anything consistent our parents did differently from each other, so we can't just assume that we'll do the right things and avoid bad outcomes. (Of course we were both very young when the closest siblings were born, so we might have missed things). In any case, we're at an impasse: for both of us our personal experience is colouring things so much. As such just hearing other people's personal experience, and getting some sense about how much control we as parents could have over this outcome, would be really valuable. We have two specific questions: 1. In your experience, either as someone with reasonably-close-in-age siblings or as a parent with multiple reasonably-close-in-age children, were your sibling relationships on balance a good or a bad thing in your/their lives? How or why? 2. In your experience, can you pinpoint any factors that a parent could influence that might affect this outcome? We're particularly interested in this one because the more we can do to influence things, the better we can be reassured we can avoid the horrible childhood my husband had. Other possibly useful details: If we started to try to get pregnant soon the age difference between them would probably be around 2.5-3.5 years. I don't have that much more time to wait so we can't realistically plan for a much larger age range than 4 or 5 years at the outside (and 3 would be better for many reasons). There will almost certainly not be a third sibling. I have asked son if he wants mommy to have another baby and he said yes, but then he said he was a giraffe in the same conversation so it's unclear whether that is meaningful or how much he understands at all.

  • Answer:

    So personal story first: I have a sister (I am male) who is two years younger than me. I remember us annoying the hell out of each other, but in a mostly affectionate way. When I was younger she always wanted to play with me, and I kind of wanted to do my own thing, while as we got older she decided I was dorky. That said, we did have a lot of fun. These days, living in seperate places, we get along very well. I think you could get a million different kind of stories. Some siblings will abuse each other. Some will protect each other. Some only children will be selfish screw ups, some will be amazing prodigies. Some will be both. I honestly think the most likely outcome is whatever you do, the children will be fine. My worry for your relationship with your husband is that he has obvious fears based on his own childhood, and if your children have an adverse relationship this could be upsetting for you both. No matter how well on two siblings get on, they will absolutely squabble. Sensible things you might do about this 1)Have an honest look at your finances. Can you afford to support two children? Will they have seperate bedrooms? Will you be able to afford their educations/marriages/broken down cars? 2)Have an honest look at your feelings. Do you feel a burning desire for another child? Do you both share that? Is this a long lasting desire or a passing one? RE:2, you can always afford to wait a year or two before having another child if you are unsure, and see if your feelings remain the same.

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Keep in mind that the previous generation (people who are 35-45 now) grew up in a time where benign neglect was very much more the parenting zeitgeist than it is today. I have an older sister who I am absolutely best friends with, but I am basically just lucky she wasn't a sociopathic bully who tortured and abused me, because if she had been my parents would probably not have known or cared much to intervene. They are good parents and I love them, but hands-off was the thing back then. It's also the case that unplanned pregnancies were more common, resulting in families that were perhaps a little too big as far as parental resources were concerned. The anecdata I have to contribute is that more people in the 35-45 range seem to have had bad experiences with siblings (and/or parents) than the kids I meet who are in the 18-25 range. It startles me sometimes how close young people are to their families these days. I'm pretty sure any number and arrangement of kids is fine when they are wanted children who were planned for, in an environment where the parents have the financial and emotional resources to shepherd both of them as individuals and also their relationship as siblings. Given that you are even asking this question, I think you probably fall into that bucket.

annekate

Read "Siblings Without Rivalry" for a howto. I found it via Ask Moxie. It's available as an ebook as well. It describes the results of a workshop with parents of fighty siblings and expands on different points they explored such as "don't keep comparing them", "don't stick them in roles" and such. It's very practical. It made me feel a lot more secure about having Kid 2.

Omnomnom

I hate to be a downer but I must note that with every child the dice are rolled and you could get a kid with special needs. That has its own effects on the sibling relationship, which can be both positive and negative. If you're running out of time there are also chances the risks of special needs can go up.

Mistress

Huh. Society is biased against only children - we blame childhood loneliness on birth order, when really there are so many other variables at play, too. I'm so very glad I have no siblings. I was never a lonely loner who felt alone. My parents knew they could not afford to have more than one child, and instead saved their money, insured themselves properly, and therefore don't need to burden/guilt/cajole/persuade multiple adult children to supposedly take care of them. If they ever do need my input on their care, then I'm glad to do it, and I feel lucky I'll get to follow their decisions without having to argue with some religious pro-lifer sibling who refuses to abide by parents' expressed wishes. (Hello, my father's 11 siblings when his mother was dying. Only one sister out of 12 kids lifted a finger to take care of her, the rest undermined her.)

hush

My first point is going to sound trite - but I'm serious about it. The alternative outcome, in your husband's life, is that he had never been born. I think it's important to take your husband's fears seriously. He's probably not only concerned for your second born, he's worried about watching your first born become an unlikable asshole. My suggestion is that your husband take his concern to an expert: his older brother. The question for the brother is: how can I avoid having the same scenario play out? What could mom and dad have done differently?" This will either go well or terribly. Your husband may find some healing. The brother might have an epiphany, or provide some real answers. It's almost better if it goes badly. If his brother is still an asshole, your husband will hopefully walk away thinking "He's such an asshole! I could never raise my kids to be such assholes. I've got nothing to worry about." Right now, he's still being bullied by his brother. The bullying has him fearful and deforming his own family life. It'll continue to grip him whether you have a second child or not. He needs to confront his fear by inviting his brother into a conversation about his dilemma. (He DOES NOT need to confront his brother - that would be an unproductive pop psychology approach. I'm suggesting he invite his brother to help problem solve with him.)

vitabellosi

I grew up with poor relationships with my siblings. My parents did not have great relationships with their siblings. I don't think this is a sibling thing, but a parent thing. My mom put us all in "roles" and would compare each of us to the others in front of our faces. She was open about insulting or praising the other siblings in front of us. It led to a lot of resentment amongst each other--now that we're older and able to process our childhood we get along a lot better because we understand it was her behavior, not each other, that was the problem. However, she was just repeating the parenting technique her parents employed. Her dad did the same thing with all of his children, and it's resulted in bad feelings all around among the children who have not been able to break out of that negative thinking he imposed on them. I think sibling rivalry arises when parents consciously or subconsciously treat their children differently and siblings aren't encouraged to cooperate with one another. It's really important parents be aware of their own behavior--my mom would never believe she treated any of us differently, but she'll complain bitterly about how she and her own siblings were treated differently by her father! Anyway, the friends I have who get along best with their brothers and sisters were in families that were very open and loving with parents who nurtured all of their kids equally. Perhaps you and your husband could sit down and talk about the differences between both of your parents. You may start finding the roots of his bitter relationship was not his brother, but his parents' behavior.

schroedinger

Maybe you can consider the character of your child now. And also consider whether you are indulging him as an only child or whether you are already training him to be an older sibling. We have an only child. I'd be kidding myself to say she isn't indulged but I do go out of my way to try to keep it under control. I sometimes disappoint her for no good reason! "Can I have....!?" No, you can't. Tears and disappoint commence, I work with her to get through it. I make sure she has lots of playdates and she learns how to share and how to be generous. I don't think we'll have a second kid but I really don't want her to be an "asshole singleton" either. She's never asked for a sibling but I actually think she'd be a fantastic older sister. I had a terrible relationship with my 6-years-older brother. He was a bully, physically and mentally abusive. The thing is, when my mom talks about his character before I was born, dude was always a weird kid. Honestly, if he was growing up today, he probably would be medicated. I have an 8-years-younger brother and while I was not always a model sister, I did not turn around a mirror my other sibling relationship with my younger brother because that's not me. He and I aren't that close but he certainly did not grow up fearing me or being terrorized by me. So, I think for clues on how the sibling relationship might go, look closely at the child in front of you. How much does he care for animals, bugs, smaller children? Is he a little Napoleon with you two or does he have clear limits. Do you feel like the way you treat him would have to change markedly if you had a younger child? If so, start pretending you have more children and make those limits now. Your child is the center of your heart, your world, but that doesn't mean that you can't focus on building a character that accepts the world does not revolve around him. (Not saying you do this.) My husband had a great relationship with his younger sister. But he has an empathetic, sensitive character. It would be very unusual for him to be cruel. Best of luck in making this decision. It's a tough one!

amanda

My brother and sister are my best friends and my favorite people on earth. I don't have kids yet, but it's hard for me to believe I will ever love anyone like I love them. My sister is 4 years younger than me and my brother is 11 years younger. We got along to an unusual degree throughout childhood, rarely fought, and now that we are adults we all still talk to each other every day. I ask my mom sometimes what she did to make us so close and she claims we just naturally fell into these roles. I do know that we've always felt united and I remember my mom saying with a sibling there's always someone on your side. My parents' relationships with their own siblings are complicated and fraught, and looking at those relationships was not a good predictor for how we turned out. We are a set, a unit, and I cannot imagine how much emptier my life would be without them. My parents divorced a couple years ago and having to go through that alone would have made a painful experience many times more horrible. I think the fact that you're considering the relationship before it exists shows your commitment to making having siblings a positive thing. My sister made a penny fountain wish for a baby brother when she was 6 and 20 years later I still thank her for making that wish; I'm more grateful for their existence than anything else in my life.

tatiana wishbone

I just want to mention that, as an only child, I find so many of the prevalent stereotypes of only children as selfish, maladjusted, etc. extremely offensive. Most of us are perfectly kind and well-adjusted people. One thing most of us have in common is that we are self-sufficient and know how to amuse ourselves. I will also tell you that, while caring for elderly parents is hard, siblings don't always help, and in some cases complicate care immensely. Though I had no help with my dad, I had no hindrance either, nor any fights over inheritance. So if you decide on "one and done" don't worry that you are raising a freak or that elder care will be an ordeal. My dad and his sibling (older brother) cordially disliked one another and rarely ever spoke. My mom and her sibling (brother, younger by 12 years) were very close, and I adored my uncle. One fly in that ointment was that my mom took on all the care of their elderly mother, with my uncle barely lifting a finger. http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/281246.php But it doesn't have to be this way (as many male MeFites who care for their parents can tell you)! If your second child is a girl, make sure you show them (by actions, not just words) that caregiving is an equal-opportunity job, and that, just like a daughter, a son is a son all of his life, too.

Rosie M. Banks

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