Resources for Husbands of Rape Survivors

I'm struggling to say this in the most constructive way possible. You don't need help "more urgently" than your wife. You do need a lot of help, and you need it separately from your wife. But this awful thing happened to her. You might not realize this, but there is often a lot of pressure for a sexually-assaulted woman to play down her trauma - and go right back to the caretaker role for her partner's distress. Women are typically expected to pack down their painful feelings for the convenience of others. But in this case, not only might she have to comfort you - she might feel as though she has to re-establish her value in your eyes. Even more reason for her to play down her pain. The fact that you are having all sorts of Big Feelings, does not mean that your feelings are bigger or more urgent than hers. You need to examine why you have decided that your feelings are a bigger deal. From other things you have said and implied in your question, it sounds like you have some unsavory feelings about your wife's value post-rape, and I promise you that will cause her even more trauma. I am not saying that this is your exact situation, but give it some thought.

All I can say is I understand. A lot of people will say unhelpful stuff about how your pain is unimportant. It's a huge loss finding out that rape actually happens and is usually not prosecuted due to lack of evidence, and that victims usually know who did it but feel too weak to do anything to (legally) hurt the assailant and instead will lie about it to most people. I knew a few women who thought I couldn't handle the truth and so told me half-truths that they thought I wouldn't understand. What is lost is the idea that the world is just. Most women are taught this at a young age, but many men have enough privilege that no one thinks they need to know. Thus, your wife is going on with her life while you're struggling to rebuild a worldview that makes sense. The choices when facing evil seem to be to ignore, fight, or join it. To ignore it, get therapy to focus on overcoming intrusive thoughts and living a happy life. To fight it, prosecute a civil lawsuit (lower standard of evidence than a criminal lawsuit) against anyone responsible. To join it, go read the James Bond novels if you haven't already and be a bit more selfish in your daily life. I guess I'd recommend taking the time you need (months?) to learn how to be happy in this flawed world, and reassuring your wife that your horror and sadness is directed at the injustice in the world that no one told you about, not at her.

I just reread my post and I want to make sure you know that I am not implying that you are a bad person for feeling as you do right now, nor am I drawing any parallels between you and your wife's rapist. Basically I just wanted to issue one note of caution, and pose a possible lens through which to view your predicament right now in case it lends clarity to the fear and stress you're experiencing. Getting in touch with certain things we've internalized because society's ingrained those things into our world view can sometimes be really helpful because it pushes us to be more mindful and self-aware of when we're relying on defunct patterns of thought to process the world around us. None of what I said may be a fit for you and that is totally okay. Hopefully you'll find what you need, though. Much love to you and your wife.

Pandys.org is a site for trauma survivors but also has a dedicated board called "healing together" for partners/family members (called secondaries there). I have only browsed a few threads on that board but I have seen quite a few people posting about such issues. One caveat may be that survivors do join in on the conversation but the entire site is very respectful in honouring each person's struggle and recognizing how traumatic it also can be for spouses of survivors and willing to listen. There may be people there who can lead you to other online resources too if you don't feel comfortable posting on a survivor board. I recommend you join up and take a peak as you will be able to judge for yourself if it is a space for you. They also have a protected board for men but I believe that might just be for those who have experienced the abuse directly. Tho I am unsure as I cannot access that board. I am deeply sorry that you are going through this. It is indeed a trauma for you and it is good that you are reaching out for more support. I know you said that "we have a very good therapist" so I don't know if that means you are seeing him together o but I would suggest if you are that you get a therapist for yourself. These events bring up a ton of issues as you well know and it would be good if you have a space away from your wife where you can process your feelings without fearing that your words might hurt her. Be gentle with yourself. The reason why pandys.org calls you a secondary survivor is because indeed what happened to your wife (primary) is a trauma to you too and it is OK to have whatever feelings you have about it too. You already know this but I wanted to acknowledge that you are not alone with these thoughts and I hope you find the support you need.

therapist, and he recommended I google "husbands of rape victims" Why, did he get his degree from Google? You need a therapist 1) of your own (a therapist for a couple should not be treating them individually) 2) who is capable of making an educated recommendation for resources, preferably one they are familiar with or can familiarize themselves with. You could also contact a support organization (this is apparently an obscure concept your therapist has never heard of...is your wife really super-attached to being treated by this person? Is she getting the best possible help?) like https://rainn.org/ where they're going to have some curated lists of materials. And someone to talk to who won't tell you to google it.

[One comment deleted. Folks, I know it's a tough subject for people, but OP is looking for help finding resources, to help him deal with his own feelings. Not to judge him for having those feelings. Nobody's required to answer if they don't have helpful resources to offer. Thanks.]

From the anonymous OP:Hi everyone, thanks for the kinder words. Sorry about using the confusing word 'urgently', I meant that she is finding good resources in our therapist (her choice) and her friends, at her own pace, and there seems to be easier-to-find resources for that online too. I would still like to hear from men who have been through, and come out the other side, the same thing as me, and it seems those stories aren't told much, or I can't find them. Mine is the lesser story but I am still asking. The kind of resource I think I'd find comforting would be men's personal stories of recovery, both themselves and the relationship, from men whose spouses (men or women) were raped while they were in the relationship.

Secondary trauma might be a good keyword, and I've found mindfulness helpful when dealing with truma and disproportionate personalisation. And I want to concur with Hermione's note of caution.

Are you in therapy on your own? Are you seeing the same therapist as your wife? Please get a therapist who is not also treating your wife. As a survivor of more sexual assaults and tapes than metafilter has space for, I second Hermione in advocating for you to find ways for this to be not about you. One thing I can suggest is http://thehairpin.com/2013/04/talking-to-sick-people